Over and over again.

The spoon clangs against the ceramic mug as I stir in the sugar for my tea. I need caffeine badly. I’ve slept soundly for the past three days, two of them in Daniel’s bed, only to be woken up on occasion and fucked into the mattress. It feels good to be back at my apartment though, where I can rest undisturbed. He had a meet last night so I slept alone, which is a good thing. I’m too sore for any more of Daniel right now.

A smile graces my face as I lift the mug to my lips.

I blow across the top of the mug, breathing in the calming smell of the black tea and avoiding the hot steam. With my eyes closed I feel like I could go back to bed right now.

My little moment is interrupted by the sound of my phone going off. It’s a distinct noise and I know exactly who it is by the tone. It’s from an app that allows you to text people overseas for cheap. Which means it’s Rae.

The mug hits the counter a little more aggressively than I’d like, sloshing a touch of tea on the counter as I reach for my phone.

“Shit,” I mumble under my breath, but I don’t bother with it. I need to talk to Rae.

How are you love? Miss you.

She always calls melove. She says things likecheekyandcowtoo. I love the diction of the United Kingdom and their accents. A very big part of me misses her and the small farm town she lives in. But it will never be home for me.

I message her back,Miss you to pieces. How’s your mom?

I wait with my eyes on the screen and my lips pursed. She doesn’t write back quickly so I busy myself with cleaning up the spill and having another sip of tea. Rae’s mom is going through some health issues. I know it’s been a pain in the ass for both of them. Orarseif it’s Rae talking about it.

Mum’s fine. Happy for now and enjoying the time off work. How have you been?

I start to text her everything from the very beginning, but then delete it. And then I try once more, but the words don’t come out quite right. Before I can even message her anything, she texts again.

I’m thinking of going back to that bar in Leeds and having another go at the boy bands there. Made me think of you.

The reminder makes me smile and spreads a sense of warmth and ease through me. Enough that I reply simply,I think I’m seeing someone. But I’m not sure if it’s good or bad.

“Seeing someone” might be a stretch. It’s just fucking. I’m smart enough to know that.

She writes back quickly this time.Spill it.

You already know him. Well, of him. It’s Daniel.

I feel a momentary pang of guilt, like I’ve betrayed him. As if saying what’s between us out loud will ruin it. Because no one else will understand.

Tyler’s brother?

I stare at her response and feel that spike of chagrin and shame I should have known was coming.

Yes.

It’s all I can write back. The mug trembles slightly in my hands, but I ignore it, taking a drink although now the heat feels different on my lips. Less soothing and less comforting. Even if it isn’t lukewarm yet.

Seeing him?she questions.

I put the mug back down and gather up the courage to try to make her understand. She knows everything. Including how I left Tyler because of what I felt for Daniel. What I thought was one-sided and an indication of how awful a person I was. All I had to do was love Tyler back. Instead I ruined what we were over dirty thoughts I couldn’t stop.

We ran into each other. And I told him how I felt about him.

A moment passes, and then another. And that feeling in my gut and heart keeps at it. Twisting and squeezing until I feel wrung out. I wish I could say I don’t care what she thinks about this. But she’s the only person I have left. I’m careful not to get too close to anyone. Everyone I love dies. So it’s best I don’t let people in. Rae is the only exception.

How do you feel about it?

I let out a single chuckle, like a breath of a laugh at her response. I text back,You sound like a shrink.

You sound like you might need one.