Page 70 of No Saint

I’d grown having none and now I had it, I wanted more of it. More of him.

That’s why I’d gone searching for him. I wanted to repair whatever damage had been done, explain to him why I didn’t want him to see.

My scars made me feel ugly and he looked at me with so much passion and desire I thought if he saw them that feeling would fade. I was prepared to tell him as much until I found him covered in another mans blood, pounding a punching bag as if it had physically wronged him.

I wasn’t a particularly likeable person, I knew this, but I tried with the right people.

I wanted to try with Gabriel. But he saw me, and he saw a vulnerability and then used it as if wielding a sword on the battlefield. I didn’t want to be his enemy but that’s what he made it feel like.

Opposing sides, constantly at war with each other. There was one moment of truce, a moment of peace where we collided but as soon as the sun rose and reality swept it, the colors became clear.

I was so damn stupid.

But I wanted to be better, bigger, stronger. I wanted to take those words and process them and once that was done, I wanted to move on. Lord knows I have enough trauma to handle without the need to add more to it.

But fuck they hurt.

I press my fingers to my forehead, rubbing out the tension building there, at the ache behind my eyes. He had looked genuinely sorry. When his anger cleared and he’d chased me, he had remorse in those blazing eyes of his, but this was why I remained alone.

I had my son, that’s all I needed.

I didn’t need the people close to me hurting me. I’ve done this before, I trusted people before and it left me scarred, used and broken.

I wouldn’t end up back in that place again.

Forgiving Gabriel for his words would be easy enough, and I could do it but I refused to open myself to further pain from people I wanted to trust and love. There was no escaping Gabriel Saint, I couldn’t just run away, after all we were married – I scoff to myself at that – and there was no doubt half this damn city would know who I was.

Could I up and leave the city, move states or even countries? Perhaps. But I also knew it would be always running and never staying in one place too long.Are you going to run away again?

Motherfucker hit some deep, aching spot inside my chest that stayed sore hours later.

I’m yours. Your wife.

My eyes close at the memories from the night before, at the pleasure he wrung from my body, at the sensation that tingled across my skin long after I’d left his room this morning. I still felt him between my legs, a soreness that made me ache in the most delicious way. I could taste him on my tongue.

I groan as I lean my head back, thumping it on the wall. No man had ever made me feel the way he made me feel last night. I was wanted, desired, he craved me as much as I craved him and when he got that hit it still wasn’t enough. He wanted me every way, couldn’t go without for more than a few minutes. Caressing and kissing, whispering of fingers and penetrating touches.

Even angry at him, the memories alone were enough to leave an ache and a need.

And I was angry at myself for still wanting him.

I wouldn’t lie anymore and say he was nothing, I wouldn’t lie and say I didn’t want him because it was untrue.

Gabriel Saint would be my undoing.

My absolute ruin.

The problem was, there wasn’t much of me left to break so when that happens and I shatter into nothing more than shards of a person, there wouldn’t be anything left to put back together.

You’ll take me, leonessa.

I breathe through my nose, pushing those thoughts away.

I’d long since showered and washed away the evidence but the phantom feeling of his marking, of his claiming, it made my skin tingle.

I couldn’t think about it any longer, I needed something else. I neededanythingelse right now. So, I choose to remember him, like the mafia don he is, covered in blood, rage engulfing his eyes and venom spitting from his lips. He’d killed someone today. He’d worn their blood.

He’d become so angry at the world he’d torn his hand to shreds and smiled.

---