Page 104 of My Million Dollar Secret

I can’t say I’m not afraid. I’d be an idiot to not be scared. But at the same time, I don’t want to sequester myself away from the world. I don’t want to stop living my life for fear of what might happen – something that may actually never come to pass.

For all we know, Robert is never going to do anything other than annoy me. Yeah, destroying Aaron’s place and trying to torch it is an increase in violence. Yet it’s not violence against a person. He destroyed things. It doesn’t necessarily mean he would commit an act of extreme violence against me or Aaron. Robert is an abuser – it’s a far cry from being a murderer.

I refuse to stop living my life because I’m scared. I refuse to give in to fear, to not do what I want, or love who I want, just because I’m scared. One thing that’s become crystal clear to me in my forced seclusion is that we only have one go around in this life. It’s too short as it is to let our fears and insecurities rule us.

I place my hand on my belly and stare at it for a long moment, knowing that my life is going to change soon. I won’t have time to be scared. Nor will I raise my child under the cloud of fear. My goal is to raise my child in a way that they grow into a strong, confident person. One who is free of insecurities – or is at least, able to cope with them. I want to raise a child who knows who they are and what they want. I want to raise a child who is comfortable in their own skin.

My child will be somebody who aims high, who has dreams and goals. Somebody who reaches for the stars and isn’t afraid to fail. I’m determined to raise a child who lives life on their own terms. One who isn’t afraid to live. One who isn’t afraid to love.

I only wish Aaron didn’t live beneath that cloud of fear.

Having as much time as I’ve had to spend inside my own head, I’ve come to realize that’s Aaron’s biggest problem. He’s scared. Petrified. If I really stop and think about it, I should have realized that about him back in college. He holds himself back. Always has. He is such a logical person and is so reliant on reason that anything bordering on the emotional sends him running for the hills.

I know he cares about me. He’s told me as much. Yet it always seems to come with a caveat. There’s always an unspoken ‘but’ in it when he tells me how he feels or expresses any kind of genuine emotion.

It’s as utterly maddening as it is heartbreaking to me. For the first time in my life, I took a chance and opened myself up to somebody. I allowed myself to care. I gave myself to somebody. For the first time in my life, I allowed myself to be open enough with somebody to love.

Yes, I love Aaron, with everything in me. It’s a fact I haven’t been able to give voice to, simply because he’s not in a place where he can hear it. He’s not in a place where he wants to hear it. He’s simply too scared to either hear or acknowledge the truth. And the truth is, I know somewhere deep down inside of him, he loves me too.

I know it. I can feel it. Even if he isn’t able to say the words, I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. I can feel it in his lips when he kisses me. I can feel it in his touch when he holds me. I know Aaron loves me every bit as much as I love him, but he’s too scared to open himself up to it.

And I deserve more than that. I deserve better than that. If Aaron can’t shed his fears, if he can’t get past his insecurities and admit to his feelings – his true feelings – then I shouldn’t be with him. Nor should I allow him to raise my child. My child will be raised with strength, without fear, and in an atmosphere of open and honest love.

If Aaron can’t be strong enough to let himself love me, then he’s not strong enough to be with me.

“I’m done cowering,” I mutter to myself. “I’m done hiding.”

Grabbing a few things, I throw them into a bag, then put on my shoes. I head for the front door and pause with my hand on the knob. I know that Stanley the goon is on the other side of the door, and I don’t have a plan to get past him just yet. All I know is that I need to get out of here. Which means I’m going to have to wing it.

Slinging my bag up onto my shoulder, I open the door and step out into the hall, quickly closing it behind me. Stanley looks up at me, that bemused smirk still on his face.

“We heading out, Ms. Hall?”

“Yeah.”

I start off down the hallway without waiting for my babysitter. I cut a quick glance behind me and see the big man slowly getting to his feet as he digs his phone out of his pocket, likely calling ahead to the driver. This is my chance. It’s now or never.

Without hesitation, I take off at a run. Rather than head for the elevators, though, I cut right and head down the hallway that will lead me to the stairs.

“Hey, Ms. Hall,” Stanley’s voice booms behind me.

I throw open the door and start sprinting down the stairs, taking them two at a time, as fast as my legs will carry me. I’m already a flight down when I hear the door above me slam open and heavy footsteps on the stairs behind me. I dash down one more flight before ducking out onto the floor. I rush down the hallway and duck into an alcove, pressing myself up against the rear wall, making myself as small as possible.

A moment later, the door is thrown open. I watch from the shadows as Stanley runs past me. I wait for a few beats before slipping out of the alcove and head back to the stairwell. As quietly as I can, I open the door and step inside, checking behind me. The hallway is still clear for now, but I know it’s not going to take too long for Stanley to figure my ruse out and come looking for me.

I silently shut the door and then bound down the stairs, moving as quickly as I can. I’m half a dozen floors down when I hear the door above me bang open. I quickly look up and see Stanley leaning over the railing. Our eyes lock and I see the anger on his face.

“Stay right where you are, Ms. Hall,” he calls, his voice echoing around the stairwell. “Don’t you dare move.”

A rush of giddiness steals over me. The laugh is out of my throat before I can stop it. Why would I want to stop it, though? I’m almost free. And that has me feeling strong. That has me feeling good. Best of all, that has me feeling fearless.

Still laughing, I rush down the final four flights of stairs and make it to the lobby. Stanley’s footsteps are still pounding down the stairs behind me, and he continues to call my name, urging me to stop. I laugh as I throw open the door and rush into the lobby. The few people milling about, along with the doorman, look at me suspiciously as I pass. It’s not surprising given that I’m laughing like a loon as I flee the building.

I make it out onto the street just as Aaron’s car pulls to a stop at the curb. I hook a right and run as fast as my legs will carry me, laughing the entire way. I do my best to blend in with the crowd of people moving along the street. There are enough people out and about that Stanley shouldn’t be able to pick me out of the crowd.

I’m giggling like an idiot, feeling freer and more alive than I have in days. Maybe weeks. I have no idea where I’m going but wherever it is, I’m going there on my own, without somebody hovering over my shoulder. And it feels damn good.

Having shed my babysitter, I decided to treat myself to a late lunch. After that, I walk around the mall and have a latte at a local coffee house. As the sun slips toward the horizon and the dusky fabric of the night is pulled over the world, I find myself sitting at the table not entirely sure what do to. Or where to go.

---