Page 69 of With All My Heart, Joy

She shook her head, sucking tears off her lips.

“Like this.” He tilted sideways and slid one arm behind her knees, then swooped her into the air and carried her in his arms to the couch. There, he settled her in his lap, her side flush with his chest. His nose nuzzled her temple in tiny, circular sweeps. The motion sent calming tingles through Joy’s brain that ricocheted all the way down to her heart.

“What if I never get rid of my depression?” she whispered the question that clawed at her heart every time she felt like this.

“Then I will adore you anyway,” he replied, his voice quiet as if they were in a sacred place. “You want to know a secret? I believe God only lets the strongest and bravest people have depression. Because they have to live life with a lot more courage than people who are naturally happy all the time. Remember the verse about God keeping a record of our tears? Each drop matters to him. He is there for you in your sadness and in your happiness. Just like I will be. As long as you’ll have me.”

Something like a slow-motion firework went off in her chest, growing, expanding, filling her until she was going to burst. “Isaac, I love you.” The words leaped from her mouth in a heartfelt declaration before she knew what she was even saying, and her eyes grew wide belatedly. Did she actuallylovehim that fast?

At her words, his body went slack underneath her, his forehead falling forward weakly until it bumped into hers.

“Joy, I—”

His voice was cut off by the loud ringing of her phone. She hovered in indecision for two seconds, waiting for Isaac to finish his thought. Her heart seemed to hover as well. Was he going to say he loved her, too? Instead, he shot a disoriented look toward her phone, and she pushed herself off his lap and picked it up from the kitchen counter.

It was TJ. “Joy? Mel and I were watching your introduction of Isaac, and, um…did you know you’re still live?”

Joy’s world tilted on its axis. “What?” she spat the word out and dashed to her computer. Sure enough, the time displayed 15:12, the red live logo flashing in her face. “No!”

“What is it?” Isaac stood behind her, resting his hands on her hips. “Oh, boy.”

Joy’s eyes jumped to the comments. She could barely keep up, they were coming in so fast.

He’s so old! What are you thinking, Joy?

OMG, Ew! Take it to the bedroom. Why is this thing live?

Joy, what has happened to you? You had so much potential.

As long as you’re happy. But, you don’t look happy…

She’s been hiding depression all this time? What a fake! Unsubscribe for me.

She’s dating her COUNSELOR? Isn’t that, like, illegal?

There were positive comments, too, but most were not, and they went on and on. Joy doubled over, nearly hyperventilating. This was bad. This was—terrible. How did she fix this?

“Joy, breathe. It’s okay.” Isaac’s voice sounded far away. “We can fix this. Let me help you.”

His words turned her clammy hands to ice, and she dragged her face upward to meet his gaze, her breaths ragged and harsh. “No. I don’t need fixing.”

His brow rippled. “Okay, poor choice of words, but I didn’t sayyouneed fixing. I’m only offering to help repair the damage. You can’t let strangers rule your life like this. I can help you navigate this crisis.”

Because he was a counselor. It was what he was trained to do. It was what he would always do.

Bile rose in Joy’s throat. She should have known it. She should have listened to her own good sense. If she stayed with Isaac, he would always look at himself as her fixer, whether he was conscious of it or not. She would never be complete enough for him. She would never be wanted as she was, ever in need of fine-tuning and maintenance.

She couldn’t live like that.

“You need to go.”

“Why?” he asked slowly, his body hardening into a statue when she tried to guide him toward the door.

“I need to take care of this myself.”

He relented and allowed her to drag him to the exit. When he tried to catch her eye, she turned her face away.

“When will I see you again?” A desperate quality colored his words, and the question hung between them like frost on a windshield—heavy, obscuring the clarity that had been in Joy’s heart mere minutes before.

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