Page 68 of With All My Heart, Joy

Desperate to shove the darkness away, Joy turned on Christmas music, the most upbeat she could find. She plugged in all the Christmas lights she owned, changed into comfy pajamas, and settled in at her recording desk.

She was way behind. More than that, her content ideas were stymied by fear. She wanted to announce her new relationship from the top of the skies, but would her viewers and followers understand? Would they judge her?

Who cares?

She pressed her forehead into her fist.Shehad to care.

Her sleep was fitful that night, and two glasses of orange juice first thing in the morning did nothing to improve her mood. She tried to work through the things Isaac had taught her during counseling. A brisk walk in the snow, check. A gratitude list, check. Extra time reading the Word, check. A healthy lunch, check. Nothing seemed to break the black hold on her heart and mind. Nothing helped her see her purpose.

She’d been on such a high the past few days after making things official with Isaac, she’d nearly forgotten depression was a thing. Her hope that Isaac had miraculously cured her depression was in vain.

It was back. Raging like a lion.

She slogged through her day, running an Instagram poll about her planned Christmas-day attire, reviewing three new scarves, recording a video on how to make a Yule log cake, creating a Christmas photo ornament craft video, and writing a Christmas poem for her blog. The daily devotional simply didn’t happen. She had no heart left to fake it through one more video. The brilliant smile pasted on her face during her cooking video was enough to make her puke when she edited it. She’d opted for tears over vomit. But still…

The only bright spot in her day was anticipating Isaac and Paisley coming over tonight. But only if Isaac stopped pressing her about her mental health. She neededhim. Not his counsel.

The doorbell rang a few minutes after six. By then, she had made a decision. A big one.

“Hey, you.” She opened the door for Isaac with a smile. He smelled like the essential oil he’d been diffusing the day of her first appointment. The fruit and spice one. Yum. “Where’s Paisley?”

He stepped inside, promptly pulling her into his arms. “I thought we could use some alone time. Mrs. Randall was happy to watch her tonight.” He paused, staring into her eyes, his finger grazing her jawline. “Have you been crying?”

She jerked her chin out of his hand. How did he notice so fast? “Before we eat, can we do something? I want my followers to know about you. I’m ready to make a live video announcement on Joy Lives Life introducing my new boyfriend. I’ll edit it for Instagram later.”

A smile grew on his face, small at first, then transforming his entire face into a picture of pleasure. Joy’s heart fluttered as if she were seeing him for the first time. Isaac was one of the most handsome men she’d ever seen.

“I’d like that,” he said simply, but it was clear her decision to go public with her relationship meant a lot to him. “Should I prepare myself for negative comments?”

Joy squared her shoulders and marched toward the camera on her desk. “Most likely. Come on.”

“What do I say?” Isaac approached, looking nervous.

“I’ll do most of the talking. In Three. Two. One.” She faced the camera with a big smile, the red rectangle on the bottom of the screen announcing they were live. “Hi, guys! Big Christmas announcement around here. I want to introduce you all to my boyfriend! This is Isaac.” She pulled him into the frame, and he gave a smile and an awkward wave. “You’ll probably be seeing more of him in the days to come, and I didn’t want to leave you wondering who he is. I feel super blessed to have him in my life, and I couldn’t ask for a better Christmas this year. Cheers!” She did her peace-out sign, then turned to Isaac.

“What do you think?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know yet. No trolls chiming in that fast.”

“Just wait.” She shook her head, her emotions bubbling like boiling water. “It’ll come.” She knew it would come.

When fresh tears threatened, she turned sharply.

“Joy?”

“I’m fine.” She took a step away, but not before Isaac snagged her by the shoulder.

“Don’t run away from me, Joy. I know all the signs. I’m not trying to fix you, but I want to help you, and Icanhelp you. Although I may not be your counselor anymore, I have a Ph.D. in psychology. If you don’t want to talk about it, say so. But don’t lie in my face and say ‘I’m fine, I’m fine’ when it’s crystal clear to me that you’re not.”

A sob squealed in Joy’s throat. She wasn’t fine, and she knew it. Isaac knew it, too. Perhaps better than her. And shehatedthat. But she also loved it. Because she didn’t have to pretend around him.

He reeled her in, his hand on the back of her neck until her face met his chest. She slid her arms around his midsection and cried, her shoulders shaking. He spoke softly, his hand running warm, comforting circles on her back. She wanted to stay this way forever.

“You have to stop trying to hide it, baby. You’ll never deal with it that way. Don’t you know it’s okay to fall apart and admit the truth? Chronic depression doesn’t lessen your value as a human being in any way. But if you avoid it instead of confront it, you won’t learn how to accept it and work with it.”

He tucked a knuckle under her chin and prodded her head to tilt backward. She peered up at him through a veil of tears and saw the face of the only person who made her feel like she was okay just the way she was. Depression and all.

“You know how I can work with it?”

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