Page 21 of With All My Heart, Joy

“Good. I also want you to evaluate your purpose. This is slightly different from why you matter. There can be many reasons that you matter. But a purpose is generally narrower. I want you to find what that is for you.”

She didn’t look convinced at all, but she typed it into her phone. They wrapped up the counseling session shortly thereafter, and Isaac watched from the doorway as she left the building, troubled at his heart’s conflicted reaction. He was glad they were done, but only because he was uncomfortable with the way he had noticed her today. A big part of him didn’t want her to leave, though. And that scared him more than anything.

He struggled to keep his focus on his clients the rest of the afternoon. But when he got home and checked the mail, thoughts of Joy vanished.

JJ Hall had written back.

He tore the envelope open. Another Christmas card. Maybe Christmas wasn’t so bad.

His eyes scanned the lengthy note once, then twice as he took in her words. This woman, whoever she was, was an absolute delight.

* * * * *

Joy rested her chin in her palm, her elbow propped on the armrest of the left rear door of Lucy’s Jeep. Familiar businesses passed by in a blur, but she didn’t register any of them.

“Do you know how much you freaked Mom out by skipping not just church, but lunch, too?” Lucy asked from her spot behind the wheel. “Good thing you checked in with me, or we all would have shown up like a personal SWAT team.”

Somehow Joy doubted that. When she moved into her own place, she assumed her family would drop by all the time. They acted worried about her. But if she meant that much to them, wouldn’t they show it by showingup?

“I just couldn’t fake it,” she said softly. This morning she had reached a new personal low. In all the years of her life, she had never skipped church.

Maybe Charlie was right. Shewasa bad Christian. Why else would she feel this way, like a heavy rock was pressing on her chest so hard she couldn’t draw a full breath of air? She could drag some oxygen in, but it never…quite…made it…all the way.

She had no reason to feel this way. She had God, health, family, and friends. Sorta. But people with real problems had a real reason to be depressed. She didn’t. Shouldn’t her faith be strong enough to banish these dark moods? Shouldn’t the fact that she had a Savior be enough to put a permanent smile on her face?

That’s what Charlie said.

She sagged against the upholstery. She missed Mr. Miller. What she wouldn’t give to plop herself down in that soft, puffy chair in his office right now. He’d enjoyed their counseling session on Friday, she could tell. Oh, that laugh of his. It made everything better. Pity he was single. She detected no legitimate reason that he should be.

Pity also that Thanksgiving was wedging itself in between her last counseling appointment and her next. She wouldn’t see Mr. Miller again until the middle of next week. And she kind of needed him. Now.

But there was a reason he’d made her choose a confidant. It would have been easier to hide, to crawl under the covers and cry for hours. She’d done it before. She could do it again. But today, she hadn’t. When her goal of getting ahead on content creation rather than attending church with a fake smile on her face wasn’t working, she called Lucy.

Yep. She’d groveled.

But seriously, what other choice did she have? She was behind on content for Glow with Joy, her beauty channel. But when she had the lighting and iPhone angle perfect at her vanity, along with the three new makeup products she planned to try, one look in the mirror told her that her eyes were far too red from fallen tears to make a makeup tutorial.

Moving on to her devotional channel, she’d filmed a quick devotional thought, avoiding looking directly into the camera and setting it up at a distance. She spoke beside her lit Christmas tree, her Bible opened to Proverbs, and hoped the festive lights were a sufficient distraction from her puffy face.

A devotional was the last thing she felt capable of doing, but when she finished and watched from the beginning, it was perfect, no editing necessary.

A perfect fake.

Mr. Miller had said to find her purpose. But Joy knew she wouldn’t find it. Because she had no purpose. She had no connection to God. She was a complete fraud who posted a daily devotional video, acting like she had it all together.

What a joke. She had nothing together. Nothing at all.

She pressed her nose to the cold glass of the rear window, trying to focus on the soft sacred Christmas instrumentals streaming from Lucy’s speakers. Were they there yet? She really needed to get out of her head.

“This was a great idea,” Lucy declared as she pulled into the mall parking lot. “I have some serious wedding shopping to do, and don’t even talk to me about Christmas shopping.”

Joy felt like a total loser asking Lucy to go to the mall with her when her whole family was still gathered at her parents’ house after their Sunday lunch tradition. The one she’d ruined today. But Lucy had been eager and even Melody volunteered to ditch TJ and join them.

“I’m sorry to take you two away from your men.” Joy slid her purple gloved fingers in and out of a loose fingerlock. Shehatedbeing a burden.

“Don’t be silly.” Melody turned from her place in the passenger seat. “TJ needs a break from me now and then.”

Joy quirked an eyebrow. “Does he?”

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