Page 74 of With All My Heart, Joy

She was coming to terms with a hard truth. She might always struggle with depression. Like Isaac had said the first day in his office, there wasn’t always a reason. Some people were simply plagued with it. She might always have good days and bad days. Could she accept that? Could she simply choose to cling to God throughout the storm, believing that he saw her pain—finding closeness to God in the broken times rather than letting depression push her away with her unworthiness?

Could she trust that she mattered to Isaac just the way she was?

Joy fished out her phone and tapped the Instagram icon. Her feed opened, the icon at the top indicating she had fifty new DMs. Sponsorship offers, no doubt, or responses to her latest Instagram story.

Sudden distaste filled her mouth with acid.

The life she had doggedly built for herself year after year was no longer the life she wanted. She didn’t want to matter to thousands upon thousands of followers online anymore. In fact, besides God and her family, there was only one other person she wanted to matter to. And she already did.

Was it too late to give him her heart—forever?

Chapter Twenty

The sound of Paisley’s squeals and laughter filled the house on Christmas morning, and Isaac offered his mom a contented smile. Was there anything better than the happiness of a carefree child?

His thoughts shifted to Joy. She should have read his card by now. Had it made any difference? Or had she decided she was better off without him?

An odd combo of peace and pain worked through him. Part of him knew he’d be okay without Joy. He had God, and he had Paisley. But another part of him knew he’d never quite be okay again without Joy.

She was the one who had opened his eyes to love.

“I have one more gift for you, Paise,” he said, standing from his place on the couch. He was too stuffed to move. His mom’s wonderful cooking had found a very warm welcome in this home, and her Christmas morning tradition of molasses pancakes with homemade whipped cream and a side of poached eggs, hashbrowns, and bacon had not gone to waste. “I have to get it from the garage. Mom?” He caught his mom’s eyes. “This is going to be good. Take pictures.”

It had taken serious stealth to keep this gift hidden since yesterday. This dog already had brownie points for being calm and quiet, though it did let out an eager yip when Isaac stepped into the corner of the garage he had cordoned off. He scooped the corgi pup into his arms, and she immediately leaped up to lick his chin. So near his scars.

“Okay, okay,” he chuckled. A tremor of fear traced down his spine like the tickle of a feather, but he lifted the pup higher and placed a kiss on her head. “Let’s go give Paisley the surprise of her life, shall we?”

The scream Paisley produced at the sight of the dog made the puppy cower back into Isaac’s arms. As the warmth of the dog pressed against him, he understood for the first time why people loved dogs. He could get used to these puppy cuddles.

“Calm down so she can get to know you. This is Starlight, but you can rename her if you want.”

It was Paisley’s eyes that looked like stars, round with awe and sparkling with delight. “Starlight,” she breathed with wonder, crawling toward the short-legged pup on all fours. “She’s so beautiful.” At Isaac’s coaxing, Starlight sniffed Paisley’s outstretched hand, then her stubby tail began to wag, faster and faster, before puppy kisses were planted all over Paisley’s face.

“She loves me, she loves me!”

Isaac sat back on his heels, watching. This was one Christmas he would never forget. In more ways than one.

“I can’t believe you, Zaki,” his mom said. “What happened to your fear of dogs?”

“I gave it to God.” He looked at her. “Can you do the same with that nickname? I’m five-eleven, Mom.”

They laughed together, and despite the ache in his chest, Isaac felt a fountain of thankfulness welling up within him. On this day that they commemorated Christ coming as a babe in preparation for saving them all, he was grateful for a God who made him worthy of love.

If only he wouldn’t spend the rest of his life longing for Joy’s love.

* * * * *

Joy faced the screen. “I want to wish you all a merry Christmas. This is going to be my last post on Joy Lives Life, and if you care to know why, keep listening. I have been hiding an ongoing struggle with depression for years. I realize that hasn’t been honest, but I was too worried about losing my audience to be transparent. I refuse to live that way any longer.

“I began attending counseling in the fall to address these issues, and one thing I realized is that my life is so much more than this channel. I also fell in love with my counselor, although he discontinued counseling me before that happened. I don’t know what’s going to happen with him, but that’s between me and God. If you want to continue hearing about my journey with mental health, feel free to follow my devotional channel where I will be candidly talking about it. Thank you to each one who has supported me on this channel over the years. I wouldn’t have gotten this far without you. Merry Christmas!”

With a wave, she stopped recording. No editing. She was posting it in its raw glory.

She hit upload and dusted her fingers lightly. She was done with her lifestyle channel. The one she’d worked on since she was sixteen. The feeling of loss she expected didn’t come. With a serene smile, she took a deep, cleansing breath, then grabbed her Bible and hit record again.

“Good morning and merry Christmas! As some of you may have become aware, I struggle with depression. I haven’t been upfront about that, but from now on, I will be. If you are a believer who also struggles with mental health, this channel is a safe space for you. If you struggle with believing you are a quality Christian who deserves God’s love just because you have depression, anxiety, or any other mental health disturbance, I hope you will find belonging and encouragement here. Today I will be discussing Psalm 34:18, ‘The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.’”

As Joy spoke honestly and earnestly from her heart about herstruggleand the feelings she had allowedto take her relationship with God hostage, incredible peace flooded her soul. And she knew she had found her new purpose.

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