Page 85 of Allure

There’s nothing more I can ask from him. He’s apologized already, if I’m honest with myself. Talk is cheap, like I told Dawn once, and actions matter, and the way he’s been there for me with this self-defense class, talking to his dad about the mugger, getting me that detective’s card even if Detective Rivera hardly spoke with me ever… That hadn’t been on Declan, and it sounds like he even illegally looked at the case file, which could’ve gotten him in serious trouble and maybe his father too if he had been caught.

All for me.

He’s apologized with both words and deed, but I can’t. I can’t risk getting too close to him.

“I’m sorry, Declan,” I murmur, staring at the tile floor. “I don’t date.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t trust guys.”

It’s true, but it’s only part of the truth. I can’t go into all of it. I just can’t. Not now.

Not ever.

“I gave you no reason to trust me,” he says bitterly. “I understand.”

"Hey, you haven't always let me down," I protest, making the mistake of meeting his gaze. He looks furious. At himself? Me? The both of us?

“So what?” he asks bitterly. “Sex is my reward? Is that what you’re saying?”

I swallow hard. “Basically,” I mutter. “That’s all you’re getting, and that’s because it’s all I can offer. I’m sorry. I can’t… I just can’t.”

“What if I don’t want casual?”

There it is. His tone has turned bitter, nasty, like it had been when he had his bully persona going on.

“Find someone else then,” I murmur.

I don’t dare meet his gaze as I walk out of there, out of the shower area, out of the dojo entirely. I only take a few steps before I glance over my shoulder.

The front door is partially glass, and I hadn’t heard him follow me because he’s there, watching me. Even when I hurt him, rejected him, he’s still watching to ensure I make it to my car safely.

Fuck.

The thing is? I do trust him.

How can I not after all of the things he’s done for me? I’m not talking about the sex because I can’t deny it. It’s not fucking. He takes his time with me, and he makes sure that I orgasm. It’s not just about him getting off.

But as much as I trust him, I don’t trustme.

I had sex with him again without finding out for sure that he’s clean, and we didn’t even use condoms. And he came inside me twice. If my birth control fails…

But when I’m around him, my guard starts to slip. My walls start to crumble, but I can’t dare let him in. There’s no way. He will never understand everything I’ve gone through, and I don’t want him to know. My baggage is my own, and I’ve been dealing with that crap for years. I’m still dealing with it, and I probably always will. He shouldn’t have to see that or deal with it.

I hurry to my car, and I drive off, making random turns, not heading back to campus, just driving, trying to keep my mind preoccupied. Eventually, I have to program the campus' address into my phone so I can make it back.

I don’t know what I’m doing, not with Declan.

Finally, I park toward the back of the lot for Orchid House since it’s so late and all of the spots up close are filled. I drag my feet to the building and up to my room.

As soon as I open the door, rings of “Surprise!” explode. Inside are Dawn, Eliza, and Kaylie. They put up a banner with pictures of me in my Gi top on either side. How they got them, I don’t know, but there’s some food laid out, and music is playing.

“What took you so long?” Eliza asks after she turns down the music.

“I had some stuff to do,” I mumble.

“Some stuff or…” Kaylie shimmies her hips. “That Sempai Declan isfine.”

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