Page 26 of Allure

She wrinkles her nose. “Not here. This school has so many majors, yeah, but it’s not a culinary school, and you know that.”

“Does everyone love your baked goods?”

“If they bother to eat any of it. If I don’t shove it all down my throat right away,” she mumbles.

"So you're a good baker. Switch over to being a business major with me. Learn how to start a business. You can maybe see if there are any baking classes that are offered in the city and take those alongside everything else."

“Yeah, I don’t think so,” she says, her lips twisting into a grimace. “My issue is self-control. Do you really think that being around baked goods that I’m not supposed to eat is going to work for me? Because I know me, and it’s a recipe for disaster. It will not go well. Not at all. I’ll balloon up and be over three hundred pounds in no time.”

“You don’t need to worry about your weight,” I protest.

“That’s easy for you to say. I hate to say it, but…”

“What? Declan’s right about my ass? That I could stand to put on a few pounds? Yeah, I suppose that’s true enough. I would like to put on some muscle, but how do you do that? Running won’t help, and besides, Ihaterunning.”

She snickers. “That cardio bunny comment really rubbed you wrong, didn’t it?”

“How can he say that I have a runner’s build when I don’t run?”

“A runner’s build isn’t necessarily a bad thing,” she protests. “It just means that you’re lean.”

“Lean but not mean,” I mutter.

“You want to be stronger for karate, huh?”

“Not a bad idea.”

“You really are taking to this.”

I hesitate and slowly nod. “It’s something for me,” I finally murmur. “It started out as a way to get my mom off my back and to try to get her to not be so clingy and worried about me.”

As soon as I say this, I realize how true this is. Undermining my father is something I need to do, but it’s not for me. It’s about doing what I feel is right. Karate has already transformed into something for me. I used to always doodle when I was a kid, to the point that my mom suggested that we hire an art tutor for me so I could really harness my ability. It never happened, though, because I stopped drawing. Whenever my father came around, I just lost that drive.

But now, why can't I have hobbies? Why can't I try to figure out who I want to be? Isn't that what college is all about? No, I won't turn my art into a profession at all, but it's not like karate will help me to make money either. Sometimes, you just want to do something for the love of it.

I haven’t thought about drawing in so very long. I used to draw swans a ton, horses too. My few attempts at wolves had been atrocious, though. I couldn’t draw aggression.

Now, though, maybe I can because there’s still a lot of hostility inside me yet.

After my father was killed, my mom went to therapy for a long while. She tried to get me to go, too, but when I went, I wouldn't say a word. I wouldn't even tell the therapist my name. Yes, that had been kind of bratty of me, but I didn't care. I wanted no part of that. I wasn't going to tell a complete stranger whose job it is to judge me and try to change me and my life story. I figured I could deal with my issues myself.

And here I am, eight years later, still screwed up, but aren't we all to some extent? Of course, that might be me trying to make myself feel better, like I'm not alone in this. The world continues on, and each of us is isolated in some way, our lives a prison to some extent, each dragged down by our own issues and challenges. I'm sure there are some kids here on scholarship, but for the most part, we're all rich kids, but trust me. Money doesn't solve problems. If anything, it causes a lot more, far more than it's worth.

But if I can do something that is purely for me and no one else for the first time in my life, maybe I’ll start to heal. Being so driven and working hard throughout high school to get all As even on the subjects I struggled with, focusing on nothing more than my revenge… it’s not healthy, and it’s no wonder that I’m no closer to being a whole and complete person.

“I’m so glad that you found something like that,” Dawn says wistfully. “It’s important to find your passion, to have hobbies. All work and no play… not the way to do it, right?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say that karate is play,” I protest. I glance down at my legs. The bruises I’ve been accumulating are so very dark, and every day, more pop up.

“Are there any other hot college guys besides that asshole?”

I make a face. “Dawn, you’re starting to sound like my mom.”

“What’s wrong with wondering about hot guys? Geez. Maybe I meant for you to hook ‘em up with me.” She winks, and I crack up.

“I’ll keep an eye out for you.”

“You don’t want to date anyone?”

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