Page 105 of Let Me Be the One

Suddenly, Lucas appears beside Amber. And there we are, the three of us, Lucas and Amber staring back at me. I don’t feel the same anger I felt months ago when I realised she’d picked him, or the same jealousy I felt when I saw Lucas hugging Lainey two weeks ago. I don’t feel anything other than eagerness to get this entire discussion over and done with.

“You wanted to talk,” I say. “I’m ready. I need to.”

Amber and Lucas share a look that I interpret as Amber giving Lucas permission to leave.

“I need to get some milk,” Lucas says with a shrug. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“Do you want to come in?” Amber asks as soon as Lucas walks out the door.

“Thanks,” I say, walking past her as she moves aside to let me in.

I walk into the lounge room, but I don’t bother sitting down.

“I’m glad you’re ready to talk,” she starts.

“Why?” I ask quickly, shoving my hands in the pockets of my jacket. “Why did you pick him? Why weren’t you happy with me? Why wasn’t I enough? What’s wrong with me?”

I don’t care for small talk at the best of times, but I hadn’t meant to just dump all those questions out there like that. They reveal just how much she hurt me.

Amber’s eyes are wide, her expression sad and regretful, and it only makes me feel more pathetic. I shouldn’t have come here. I shouldn’t have asked. But I can’t move on without knowing.

And I need to move on. Everyone else has.

“I’m so sorry—” she starts.

“I know,” I cut her off. “You and Lucas both are.”

“Let me finish, Ben.”

Her voice is so stern that I fall quiet.

“I’m sorry for everything that happened between us. I should never have dated you in the first place because I’ve always loved Lucas. I’ve been crazy about him since my thirteenth birthday. I just... I never thought he’d see me the way I wanted him to. And then he started dating Lainey, and you kept asking me out and... and I gave up on him and said yes to us.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I cared about you. A lot. But the reason I said no to you for so long was because I was in love with Lucas.”

“Are you telling me you never loved me?”

I’m in shock. She’s always been in love with Lucas. I’m furious, but not with her. I should have seen it. Hell, Lainey even told me it was nothing to do with me, and yet I didn’t listen.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you, Ben. But you have to understand. I chose Lucas because it was always Lucas for me. From the very beginning. I would have picked Lucas over anyone. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a great guy. I couldn’t fall in love with you because I was already in love with someone else.”

“But I changed for you. I tried to give you everything. I even tattooed your name over my heart.”

“I know that, but I never asked you to. It wouldn’t have mattered what you did, it never would have been enough, because—”

“I wasn’t him.”

“You kept thinking that changing would win me over, and after all the effort you put in, I didn’t feel like I could come clean and tell you I was in love with Lucas. I was too ashamed. You kept making these grand sweeping gestures to impress me and I didn’t have it in me to keep turning you down when you were clearly trying so hard, and Lucas was with Lainey.”

“Did he love her, or was he in love with you the whole time, stringing her along until he broke her so bad that she was depressed for months?”

The anguish and remorse in Amber’s eyes don’t move me at all. I know it’s not exactly Amber’s fault that Lainey was heartbroken, but I’m still mad at her for it.

“Lucas and I were both so stupid,” Amber says miserably. “We weren’t able to tell each other how we felt because we were afraid we’d ruin the friendship. If we’d had enough courage to tell each other how we felt earlier, we wouldn’t have hurt you and Lainey the way we did. That’s a hard thing to live with, and the pain you and Lainey felt because of us cast a shadow over our relationship for a long time.”

I snort. “Am I supposed to feel bad about that?”

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