Page 30 of My Debacle with De Lorenzo

“Well...the level of crazy is directly proportional to the level of hotness. The hotter the girl, the more guys want to get with her. The more guys she exposes herself to will inherently increase the risk of those guys hurting her. It’s just simple math. Now, your level of hotness automatically excludes you from levels four to six.”

That is the second time today that he’s called me hot, but he’s still saying it in this somewhat robotic tone, so I don’t know how I should interpret that. “Are you sure you’re not flirting with me? There’s definitely some cupcaking going on.”

“I’m not cupcaking.” And then he smiles, a smile that utterly overwhelms me because it is so cute and so shy but just naughty enough to make me believe that he is flirting with me. “I can’t flirt with you. You exceed my limit, remember?”

“Which is?”

“Five. Guys like me need to stay in our lane. I can’t be messing around with a level eight. It’d be a bloodbath. I am simply not equipped to handle your level of crazy. See, I’m soft. I’m a fucking pussy.”

I drop my head onto his shoulder, literally shaking with laughter. “Okay, explain to me how you’re a pussy.”

Once I lift my head, it reinstates the distance between us, and I’m not sure if he realizes it, but he shifts a little closer. His leg on the one side of the bench touches my knee and the one on the other lightly rubs against my ass. It’s like he’s slowly sandwiching me between his thighs.

“You know that movieThe Mist?” he asks playfully. “It freaked me the hell out.”

“The Mistcan be really creepy when you’re a kid.”

“It was last year.”

I don’t mean to, but a giggle slips out. “Technically, we’re still kids.”

“I talk to my plants.”

“Many people do that.”

“It broke my heart when Justin and Selena ended it. They were my number one ship. I was devastated.”

“Okay...okay, that one made me lose a little respect for you. I just can’t see you in the same light after a comment like that.”

“I told you. See, a girl like you...you need a tough guy because you come with a lot of trouble and assholes like Steven. You need a cross-fit douche named Brandon...who wears Born Primitive workout gear and Axe body spray.”

“That’s oddly specific.”

“The Dark Temptation one. Don’t underestimate it. It gives him the motivation to bench more. And trust me, he’s a cross-fit douche, so he’ll do all that with his shirtoff. He also Instagrams everything he eats, which is ninety percent protein, and then he washes it down with the unpasteurized blood of human children. You need that kind of tough to adequately manage your level eight crazy.”

“You have a very active imagination.” I smile when he shifts an inch closer, and I feel the warmth radiating from his body. I’m still not sure if he’s even aware that he’s doing that, pushing me away with his words but drawing me closer with his body. “Hey, you know what I just realized? You didn’t tell me about levels one to three.”

“Levels one to three are a rare find.” He changes his voice to sound distant and mystical. “So, apparently, there are only about six of them left in the world. They’re in their late sixties, early seventies, women of a different time. Legend has it that if you ask these women if everything’s okay and they sayit’s fine, they actually mean it. And when you’re going out for fast food and you ask them what they want to eat, they answer decisively. They don’t bounce around between KFC and Mickey Ds for forty-five minutes. Also, they don’t randomly bring up something you did wrong eleven years ago while you’re just eating dinner one night.”

“My mom...” I’m laughing so much I can barely get my words out. “My mom used to do that to my dad all the time. Out of the blue, she’d just start complaining about how he didn’t clean the garage that one time when she asked him to.”

“My mom does that, too. It’s the drawbacks of mere mortals. But these women...Nah, these women are something else. And the most amazing part is when you ask them for cuddles, they don’t say:why don’t you ask that whore I saw you talking to at the laundromat for cuddles?They don’t give you shit like that; they just give you cuddles.” His straight face collapses and he laughs for a good couple seconds before he goes serious again. “But no one has ever met these women, so I don’t think they even exist. Levels one to three are just a myth.”

My response is immediate. “Please let me have your babies, De Lorenzo.”

“How many of them do you want?”

“All of them. I want to haveallyour babies. I just want your little adorkable kids running around.”

He feigns disappointment. “It’s a nice dream, but it’s impossible. You see, I’ve been warned to stay away from you.”

This new information shocks me. “Was it Scott?”

“No, it was a much more powerful being.”

His tone already has me giggling again. “Oh, I cannot wait to hear this.”

“So, when my sister and I were younger?”

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