Page 50 of My Debacle with De Lorenzo

Then again, it’s not like he hasn’t said things along those lines before. He told me I should be Brandon’s problem because he’s a tough cross-fit douche who can handle me. I took that as a joke, but he was dead-ass serious this whole time. He sees me as aproblem, one he can easily discard, toss away to some other guy. I can acknowledge that I’m a walking disaster and I fully understand why he wants to keep his distance. That’s all fine, but the kicker is that he says this to meafterhe just kissed me.

I kind of feel like a fool now. I have genuine feelings for this guy that I’m struggling to contain. I’m just bursting at the seams because I like him so much, and to hear him say all that makes me realize how stupid I was to think those feelings would be reciprocated. It pains me to admit this, but Charlotte was right.

He seems to regret saying the words the second they leave his mouth because he shuts his eyes, rubbing his hand over his jaw. “I’m sorry.” It takes a few moments and a deep breath before he’s ready to look me in the eye. “Shit, that was such a dick thing to say. I’m so sorry, Bella.”

Despite the heaviness in my chest and the tightness closing my throat, I give a small nod. “It’s fine.”

“It’s not. Don’t say it’s fine when it’s not fine.”

“No, it’s really fine.” I swallow to get rid of the shakiness in my voice. “I understand now. You’ve cleared up all my confusion.”

“Bella?”

“Our ten minutes are over, though, so I’d better get to class.”

I walk out of the bathroom. No. I storm out at a furious pace, and he follows right behind me.

“Bella, slow down.” Even when I increase my strides, he’s hot on my heels. “Can you stop and talk to me?”

I’m halfway down the corridor when he eventually grabs my elbow and brings me to a halt.

“Just stop...stop.” He grips both my arms. “I shouldn’t have said that, okay? I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I’m sorry for that. That was thoughtless, and it was rude. I never should’ve said that to you.” He waits for me to respond, but I’m too hurt to speak, and I don’t trust my voice right now. “Please say something.”

After a long while, I’m finally able to articulate my thoughts. “It really is fine,” I whisper. “I can see that you’re sincere and you meant every word of that.” Taking a step back, I slowly pull out of his grasp. “But you also meant every word you said in the bathroom...and the one doesn’t negate the other. So, even though I accept your apology, this is where I’m drawing the line. No more mixed messages for me. No more unnecessary drama for you. These are things we both clearly hate, so maybe it’s time we cut them out of our lives.”

He reaches out for my hand, and I take a further step back. “Bella, c’mon...please. Don’t?”

“I thought you were different, De Lorenzo.” My voice falters, and I pause to pull myself together. “Every guy just uses me and after he gets what he wants, he discards me like I’m nothing.”

“I didn’t use?”

“I’m talking.” I raise my hand to silence him. “Today, you proved to me that you’re just like every other guy. It may not be sex, but you’re still using me, and once you get what you want, it’s so easy for you to just toss me aside...to be some other guy’s problem.”

He shuts his eyes as if those words stung him as badly as they stung me, and his jaw clenches. “You’re taking everything I said out of context?”

“Slow your roll. I’m still talking. See, De Lorenzo, today I was hit with a harsh reality. You confirmed for the umpteenth time that our five-hourchaton Saturday was not a date. And it’s not like you didn’t tell me that going in, but I guess my delusions came out to play because there were a lot of things that made me believe itwasa date. I mean, it was the whole package—food and hugs, and let’s not forget the deep, emotional soul-baring.”

“Bella?”

It matters not that he’s growing more irritable each time I cut him off. I’m past the point of caring. “I have never exposed myself toanyonelike that before. I told you things I haven’t even told my sister because I thought you were different. I thought we were friends. I thought...I thought you cared aboutme.” I bite down on my lower lip to stop it from quivering and only continue when I feel like I can get through my next sentence without shedding tears. “But you don’t care because today I also found out that we’renotfriends, so I guess I’m just cheap comic relief each morning, a fun way to start the day.”

“What the fuck are you saying?” The words drop out of him in a staggered whisper. His face has drained of color and he’s visibly shaking. Usually, I have trouble reading him, but his expression is an open book right now, showing me how tense and distraught he is. “That’s not what I meant at all, not even close. You’re twisting this into something so ugly, and you’re not even giving me a chance to explain?”

“Don’t worry about that. As I said, you cleared up all my doubt, helped me decipher all those mixed messages, so no further explanation is needed. I get it now. I mean nothing to you outside of those ten minutes.”

“My God, you’re impossible!Nothingcould be further from the truth.” Looking stressed, he runs both hands through his hair. “Don’t make it seem like I don’t care about you. I do...That’s exactly the problem here. Icareabout you, which is why I can’t just sit back and watch you self-destruct. And, yeah, I said it in a way that was cold and callous, and I’m sorry for that, but that’s all I meant. It’s not easy for me to see you do that to yourself. I don’t want to be a witness to that.”

“Well, the good news is you don’t have to be. I only indulge in these self-destructive habits well after our ten-minute window has expired. By that time, I’ll probably already be somebody else’sproblem.”

His fist clenches again, and he’s back to thumping it against the wall. “Please, just stop.”

“Aw, you threw a littlepleasein there and because you asked so nicely, I’ll stop.” I pinch his cheek as if he were a toddler and, boy, does that infuriate him because he glowers at me, his eyes turning dangerously dark. That scowl is enough of a warning for me to know that I’ve pushed him to his limit. I quit while I’m ahead and drop my hand. “This has been fun, but I must be off, De Lorenzo. Don’t want to eat too much into your drama-free time.”

He’s too pissed off to continue talking. He doesn’t argue. He doesn’t say one word. Gritting his teeth, he exhales a heavy breath as I turn to walk away.

I fluctuate between anger and hurt until lunch. I meet Lana at our usual spot outside. She can sense something is wrong, but she doesn’t ask me about it in front of Charlotte. Instead, she hands me her water bottle and I gulp down half its contents in one go.

“Slow down, girl,” Lana giggles. “Leave some for the rest of us.”

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