Page 70 of My Infatuation with Isabella

“The idea isinconceivable,” she fires back.

“Jesus.” My dad covers his mouth with his hand, trying not to laugh because that was a solid comeback. Quick, and to the point while simultaneously making fun of my infertility. “You’re an awful human, Lorraine.”

“That was a good one,” I admit, chuckling as I give her a high-five. “You’re still an asshole, though. And, Dana, you just lost this round like the loser of all losers. You?” I’m silenced when I hear glass shattering and a car alarm going off. “What the hell was that?” I race out the front door of the restaurant and find the side mirror of my Lamborghini lying on the sidewalk. “What the fuck?” I look up and find this fiery, mad as hell, batshit crazy woman climbing onto the hood of my car. “Bella, what are you doin’? Get down from there.”

“What are the odds of finding a matte black Lamborghini Urus outsidePiatto Pieno?”

Well, it looks like she had no trouble finding me. “A hundred percent. I work here.”

She’s dragged up a fricken garden spade with her and it scrapes the paint off the hood as she lifts it about chest high.

“Would you watch it? You just scratched my car.”

She smiles. “Do you know how many fucks I give about your car? About as many as you gave about my celibacy.”

My eyes widen. “Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Please don’t.” I watch as she lifts the spade higher. “No, no, Bella, don’t!” And with all the force she has in her, she rams it into my windshield. “NO! Fuck! My car!” Another forceful ram and the glass shatters. “Bella, stop! What are you doin’?” I turn away, raking my hands through my hair because I can’t watch this.

My parents and sister come out to see what all the commotion is about. There aren’t many people around, but those walking by have stopped to watch the drama unfold as well. One would think that the crowd would deter her, but Bella never shies away from an audience.

“Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. De Lorenzo,” she greets pleasantly, looking slightly deranged because her smile is so fake. “How are you doing today?”

“We’re doing okay,” my mother replies as if she doesn’t see her on the hood of my car with a fucking garden spade in her hand. “How are you, Isabella? We haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I’m a little mad this morning.”

“I can tell. You want to come in and have something to eat when you’re done?”

“No, I’m good, thanks. I’m just gonna have a quick chat with your son, and then he’llneversee me again.”

I understand fully what she means by that, and I can’t lose her again. “Please come down from there and we can talk about this.”

“You just left me there. I woke up, and you were gone.”

The pain in her voice is killing me. “I’m sorry. I can explain.”

“Okay.” She uses the spade as a balancing beam, casually resting her forearm over the top of the handle as she waits. “Explain.”

I look over at my sister who doesn’t know what happened yesterday, then look back at Bella who also doesn’t know what happened yesterday, and my parents are glancing warily at each other, wondering how I’m going to handle this. Spoiler alert: I have no fucking idea how to handle this.

This situation with Dana needs to be treated with care, and I can’t just tell Bella what happened when my sister has no recollection of the entire event. Shit, this is a fricken disaster.

“I’m waiting,” she says, and all I can do is stare at her in silence. She lifts the spade again. “That’s what I thought.”

“No, no, no! Bella, wait! Just wait!” I watch as she takes a wild swing at the front this time, busting my headlight. “Shit, my car!”

“Do you want me to talk to her?” my dad offers.

“No, it’s fine. Please, can all of you go inside? I’ll handle this.” I wait for them to reluctantly go back into the restaurant before I face her again. “I swear I was gonna come back.”

“But you didn’t.” My windshield shatters further when it takes another hit.

A woman on the sidewalk a few feet away whips out her cell phone. “I’m calling the police. She’s a hooligan.”

“Lady, put your phone away, alright? This doesn’t concern you. Just go about your business.” I look up at Bella again. “Can you please come down from there? You’re causing a scene. All these people are watching. That guy over there is filming on his phone. You?”

“Oh, you don’t want anyone to know your dirty little secret? You don’t want Fran finding out about us?” Metal screeches as she bashes the spade straight into the hood.

“Stop! You know, insurance doesn’t cover level eight crazy.”

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