Page 69 of Written in the Oceans

I turn on my heels and take one long step in the direction of the cameras. I don’t see faces, just the intrusive lenses that poke at me like I’m a circus animal. Like they’re attempting to wake the crazed lion inside me, setting my rage broken and free.

“Come on, Rhylan! Let us get a picture of you two kissing!” they continue to taunt. They start to laugh, encouraging this demand in hopes they can get what they came for.

My hands move on their own, like I don’t even control them anymore. My anger is in control now. I reach behind the wall of outstretched lenses and grab the first thing my hand touches, the collar of a man half my size. When I pull him to me, nose to nose, the panic in his eyes wipes off the smug smile on his face. From the corner of my eyes, I can see that the other photographers have the same look on their faces, shocked and dazed. But then the clicking becomes louder. In the absence of the clamoring of voices, the clicking sounds violent. And everything slows. My breathing and pulse start to echo in my ears.

I stop myself, realizing how this must look. I’m not a violent person. My intention was for them to leave Ellie alone. I never intended to hurt anyone. I let go of the man. He runs his hands down his shirt, smoothing the fresh wrinkles I just made. He steps out of the crowd, stumbling over his feet, clearly traumatized by the encounter.

“Please, just leave us alone,” I say in a calm voice. My eyes stay on the ground as I close the passenger door and round the hood of the car to the driver’s seat. I don’t look at Ellie. I can’t. I can’t even begin to reason with what happened. I did this to her. It’s all my fault. This was theI told you somoment that I’ve been waiting for. The moment that keeps creeping in through the shadows, waving the words in front of me like a piece of meat. I feel so fucking stupid. Why did I think that even for a second, I deserve to be happy when all I do is hurt people?

Without saying a word, I peel out of the parking lot, my tires screeching behind us.

We drive in silence. I don’t know how to tell Ellie that I just ruined her life. How I tainted the image of her by keeping her by my side, and now the world thinks she’s some homewrecker that broke Bella and me apart. None of it is true. There was nothing ever going on between Bella and me. Ellie is the furthest thing from a homewrecker.

But I know I can’t keep doing this to her. I can’t keep her by my side, exposing her to a world that’s so unforgiving and works unrelentingly hard to break you down. I don’t want her to end up like me, broken and detached.

“Rhylan, are you okay?” she asks softly. I glance over at her and see her pained expression full of concern that I don’t deserve. Her eyes are wide, twinkling as the tears begin to pool and threaten to pour. I can’t believe that I’m the one that made her feel this way. My heart breaks knowing that even if I told her she shouldn’t worry about me, that I don’t deserve it, her kind heart wouldn’t be able to help it.

“I need to take you home. Is that okay?”

“That’s fine. But are you going to be okay?” She lowers her face towards her lap. Her hands are clenched together in front of her, and I see a lone tear drop onto the back of her hand.

I turn my attention back to the road in front of me. I don’t know what to tell her, soI nod. If I speak, my voice might give me away.

I told myself that I wouldn’t hurt her, that I couldn’t for fear that I may lose her. But now, I realize keeping her close means hurting her. I can’t live with myself if I continue to abuse the heart that she so openly gave to me. She’s broken down her barriers and let me in. And I’m already betraying my own promise to keep her heart safe.

THIRTY-ONE

ELLIE

We drive in silence. And it is deafening. Every crevice of his car is filled with the words that we aren’t saying to each other but want to.

I’m sorry.

Everything will be okay.

We still have each other.

I need you.

Don’t go.

Rhylan pulls up to my house and puts the car in park. He can’t even look at me, no matter how much I urge him to meet my eyes. I look at his profile. Even with the blissful daylight outlining his features, he’s rigid. His expression is hard and doleful. I miss the playful Rhylan that was full of humor and flirtatious innuendos. I wish I could erase the last hour of our day.

I speak first.

“Rhylan, I’m so sorry,” I whisper quietly, my voice trembling. The tears continue to fall, trailing down my cheeks and dropping off at the edge of my chin. I can’t rein them in at this point, but I don’t care. All I care about is that he won’t leave me. That this isn’t the end of us.

His jaw clenches as he squeezes his eyes shut before a shuddered sigh blows through his mouth. He feels so far from me. I want him close again, holding me, affirming that we’ll get through this one way or another. I reach for his face in an attempt to soothe his pain.

“Ellie,” he whispers as he melts into my hand, my fingers caressing his jawline. He’s relenting, but I don’t know how much. And I don’t know if it’ll be enough.

He turns to look at me, and our eyes finally meet. The look on his face is like a dagger to my chest. I feel every bit of his pain, the aching in his heart that he placed on his chest, unable to cover or hide it.

“You don’t have to apologize.”

“Rhylan, if I hadn’t been there, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“No, it’s not your fault,” he replies. “They were just trying to get a reaction out of me. They wanted to see me lose it, and I did.”

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