Page 52 of Written in the Oceans

After our detour to the community pool, I drove Ellie home in silence. The quiet music coming from my stereo was the only thing filling the silence. I watched from the corner of my eyes as Ellie wrung her hands in her lap, tugging down on the still damp edges of her dress. I reached for the dials on the dashboard, turning on the heat to warm her. My hands moved between us, but I didn’t look at her. I couldn't.

I wish it was as easy as sayingI can promise you the world, like a cheesy chick-flick where the guy sweeps the girl off her feet, and they live happily ever after. But it’s not that easy. Mylifeisn’t that simple. It’s complicated. And messy, and everything in between. I don’t want Ellie to be a part of that life.

But I can’t end this now, not when I’m in so deep. Not when I’ve gotten a taste of her. When I’ve seen how happy we can be when it’s just us two. Not when I’ve fallen this hard for her.

I keep picturing the two of us on a secluded island. Me chasing her on the sand, us splashing water at each other. Spending our days lazily lying on the sunny beach, our bodies always touching. I picture it without the shame of forged optimism because it’s just that. An idea of us that I want to dream into reality, knowing that I’m being ignorant.

I pulled up to her house, coming to a sudden stop. I dug deep to find the will to watch her walk away and trust that she’ll come back, knowing that she shouldn’t.

“I had fun today,” she said, her tone teasing and playful, with a soft smile. She let out a small sigh, and I could see her already reminiscing about the day we had. Memories that I wish I could imbed in our minds and live off forever. Memories that I wish could fuel what we have so that it could be something great.

“I did too,” I said. I finally smiled. I couldn’t help it. Looking at her, watching her face and the way it expressed every thought she was thinking, softened my resentment. I couldn’t help but think that if my chance of happiness were to ever present itself, it would be through her. “I can scratch ‘trespassing’ off my bucket list.”

“And I can scratch ‘riding a yacht’ off of mine,” she rebutted.

I took her hand and kissed the back of it. My intention was to leave it at that, not go any further until I was able to calm the raging war that had been pulling my heart into two different directions. But when she looked at me expectantly, I didn’t know if I could watch her walk away without the last touch between us being our lips. I leaned in towards her, bringing my hand to her cheek. Before she had a chance to stop me, I guided her face towards me and kissed her. Not a quick brush on the lips but a deep kiss that kept me wanting more. Her full lips parted as she welcomed my tongue gliding across the ridges of her mouth. I moved my fingers to her neck and gently gripped her nape, grazing my thumb against her chin to her jaw. She leaned into me, deepening the kiss and giving a moan so soft that I felt I had imagined it.

I couldn’t let go now. It was a kiss, meant to be nothing more, but it was so much. It was everything.Everything.

I pulled away, rested my forehead against hers, and clenched my jaw. The tightness that had balled and knotted in my chest relented to a pain that spread to my stomach.How was I going to walk away from this? How was I supposed to move on and act as if Ellie didn’t exist in the same world that I did?

I didn’t know how to retract, to reel in everything between us to make it mean nothing. To act as if every moment that we shared was a moment that I shared with everyone, meaningless and generic. Because that wasn’t the case. None of our time together was meaninglessorgeneric. It was like those moments were custom-made for us, tailored and meant only to be lived and experienced by us two. If anyone else, it wouldn’t make sense, and all the pieces that should fit would fall apart.

Everything in me was telling me to drive off. To safely leave her behind and never look back. I wanted to believe that doing so would be in our best interest. An easy way not to get hurt. While all these thoughts swirled in my mind, I watched her walk away. I watched as her small movements shifted her body to face me. She wiggled her small fingers to wave goodbye before disappearing into her house.

Now, in the reality of my own home, I come face to face with the gravity of what transpired between myself and Ellie. I try to reason with my stubborn doubt. I want to tell it to stop being so uncompromising and to give love a chance. A chance to find something that’ll bring me back to life. But this conflict is one that I can’t seem to settle.

With a towel wrapped around my waist, I turn to look at my phone. An alert for a message pings. It’s from Ellie.

Ellie:Thank you again for today.

Along with the message is an image of us on the boat with the wind blowing wildly around us as the ocean water waves rapidly in the background. Our smiles are wide, and our faces are infectiously bright, sundrenched, and drunkenly sated on bliss. Ellie’s arm is draped around my shoulders, and her face is pressed close to mine so that we could both fit in the picture. Even through the blurriness of the image, she’s beautiful. I don’t mean an obvious beauty that women generally carry with them, although her attractiveness has always been obvious to me. Her beauty illuminates from her soul, shining through the tightly bound layers she uses to protect herself.

I can’t help the smile that creeps across my face.

Me:You’re welcome.

My fingers continue to hover over the keyboard as I think about what else I want to say to her. So many words that I’m keeping bottled up with the strongest dam that I can muster. And then it hits me. I’m becoming addicted. Addicted to this feeling of no longer being shrouded by a dark cloud that seemed to follow me everywhere. That cloud had now separated, and I only see sunshine. She is my sunshine, and I want to incessantly drench myself in the warmth of the sun forever.

Me:Ellie.

I carefully consider my next words.

Ellie:Yes?

Me:Please be patient with me.

I’m repeating my words, but they’re my plea. My way of bargaining into her heart so that I have a reason to be there other than my own selfish reasons. Because I don’t want to let her go. That’s why I had initially said those words to her, to buy time. To stall so I could decide what we meant to each other. Now that I’m starting to figure it out, I need the time to prove to her that whatever trials we face, having each other is enough. We are enough for each other. To the bitter end.

My phone buzzes in my hand.

Ellie:I’m not going anywhere.

It’s enough to quiet the battle in my already fragile heart, even if it’s only temporary, while giving me the conviction and courage to not push Ellie away. Until the roaring of my own qualms, fighting this constant conflict, takes over.

TWENTY-FOUR

ELLIE

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