Page 103 of Written in the Oceans

“This,” he finishes. “I didn’t want me to be the reason that you kept drowning. I couldn’t go on knowing that I was the one that kept you underwater. You deserve better.”

His hand threads through mine, and our eyes gaze at the tangle of fingers in front of us. The way they knot together, it looks intricate, no exact point where he begins and I end.

“But I love you too much to stay away,” he says. “Whether it’s us on a secluded island or against the world, it has to be me and you. I can’t live any other way.” When he tells me he loves me again, it rings more veracious than it did the first time. As if he’s saying it to prove a point rather than simply confessing his love.

When I stay quiet, the silence slicing through our pain, he doesn’t urge me to say anything. Instead, he stands, carrying me to his room. He lays me on his bed as he wraps his arm around me, pulling my back against his front.

He loves me.

I have a hard time accepting it, having faith that he didn’t say those words in the heat of the moment, even through the conviction of his words. So it lingers as a question, not a statement of fact.

When night finally falls and the rain calms to a light sprinkle, I turn to look over at Rhylan. He’s fallen fast asleep, his breathing steady, a quiet rise and fall of his chest showing that he’s in a deep, contented slumber.

I lift myself from his bed in the dark. The only light comes from the dim lamp sitting in one corner of his large room. I’m exhausted, utterly spent. My emotions are everywhere, far and wide, openly splayed, making it impossible for me to collect them.

I quietly dress, my clothes still damp and smelling of rainwater, and tiptoe out the front door. By the time I’m outside, the rain has stopped completely. The only thing that remains is the moist ground and the wet air, and a sense of perspective. It’s not hope, because my heart doesn’t feel optimistic enough. Instead, I feel an overwhelming sadness for it. For the broken pieces that remain scattered in my life, unable to come together for it to be whole. But was it ever whole to begin with?

I call an Uber to Rhylan’s house. I need some distance, time to think about us. When the Uber pulls up just outside Rhylan’s gate, I climb in slowly. I don’t go home though. Instead, I go to Claire’s apartment, and during the ride to Claire’s house, I text Rhylan.

I need time.

* * *

The narrow hallway leading into Claire’s apartment feels thick, my feet moving slowly and dragging on the carpeted floor. My knock on the door is heavy. I’m holding everything in, the cries, the anger, the hurt. All up until Claire opens her door and I see her face, and I can’t hold it in anymore. Everything pours out of me, my body growing limp from exhaustion, from the strength that I had to exert to keep everything at bay.

“Ellie!”

I look at her, the tears welling up again and streaming down as I slump to the ground as soon as she closes the door behind me. Claire rushes to wrap her arms around me, and I lean my head into her.

“Ellie, what happened?”

“He told me not to give up on us,” I cry.

“Ellie, he came to your house looking so desperate. If I felt that he was going to hurt you, I would have told him to fuck off,” Claire says. “He told me he loves you.”

I face her, confused but not completely disbelieving. As if I didn’t hear those same words from Rhylan himself. I don’t know why they still don’t ring true to me. Why Istillquestion his love.

“Do you love him?”

I don’t answer her, but she knows. She knows I love him even if I don’t say it out loud. But it’s not enough. My love for him, his love for me… It’s not enough to hold us together. To look past our pain and look forward to the future.

I stay with Claire for the rest of the night, sitting on her soft couch with a blanket draped over me to keep me warm. She’s a busybody, ordering takeout and keeping the conversation going to keep my mind off Rhylan. But it’s useless. He’s all I can think about.

“Ellie, if you want to forget Rhylan and move on, I support you one hundred percent. But if you do, you have to move on. Don’t let him dictate your future.” Her voice is sudden after a long stretch of silence. The lone french fry that I’ve been twisting between my fingers finally snaps and falls on my lap, leaving behind a fresh oil stain.

I nod. Her words of advice are sound, reasonable, and just, but that doesn’t make my heart any less heavy. She leans her head against my shoulder as I lean my head against hers.

I don’t belong to anyone.

Except me. He belongs to me now.

Rhylan returning into my life has brought on a hard slab of confusion. Decisions that I didn’t know I had to make are being presented, and I’m not sure if my heart has the strength to even consider them. I wish I knew what to do. I wish whatever decision I make about my future, I can also know that it’s the right one. All of the what-ifs twist and turn in my mind. What if he breaks my heart again? But what if, justwhat if, he loves me, and I love him, and that’s it? Just uncomplicated and unconditional love that we can live off of.

“Can I tell you something?” I ask Claire. “And maybe you don’t judge me?”

“I would never judge you.”

“I know, but just…” I pause. “Maybe hold off on any reactions or opinions.”

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