Page 71 of A Crown of Lies

He took her hands. “The situation is not ideal. I would have liked for the war to be over, and to have the chance to court you properly. In a perfect world, we would have many months to build up a stronger bond before such a decision, and there would be no doubts on either side. But the world is terribly imperfect, isn’t it?” He looked down at where their hands were joined. “I suppose what I want doesn’t matter, though, does it? What do you want?”

She thought for a long moment. “I want to be called Rixxis.”

Rowan smiled. “I have never thought of you as anything but Rixxis. This may come as a surprise to you, but you are not the first person to have changed their name and identity over the years. It isn’t a stretch for me to understand, even if I am a little hurt by the lie, Rixxis.”

She lowered her head. “I’m sorry about that. I just wanted…”

“You wanted a life and freedoms that Celeste could never have.” He reached up to touch her cheek. “I don’t know what it’s like to be you, and to face the hardships and suffering you have, but I know what it’s like to be forced to live in a world that you do not belong in. I know how to wear that mask. I know how freeing it is to take it off, Rixxis. To be who and what you really are. The lies we tell ourselves for the sake of others are the cruelest of all. No one—no matter their background—can be happy living a lie. If you say you are Rixxis Amaranth of the Crows, then that is who you are.”

“But it is not all I will be if we marry,” she said, and pulled his hand away from her face. “I never want to be your wife or your queen. I want to bethequeen. I want to have equal power. My word must have the same weight as yours.”

He took a deep breath and turned, pacing back to his desk. “That’s a tall order, Rixxis. Not because I don’t want to give you that, but Greymark may not be ready for that.”

“Pardon, but that’s not really my problem, is it? People will accept me for who I am, or they won’t. Which brings me to my third point. I will not give up command of the Crows.”

He turned, studying her. Rixxis’s expression was resolute. She would not budge on any of these points. “You don’t think that will be considered a conflict of interest? There’s a reason Ruith is handing over command now that he is king of Roque.”

“Do not compare me to the Crow, nor Greymark to Roque. Ruith and Eris have decided to be what they are. I cannot separate myself from this part of who I am any more than you could from being the son of an illiterate potato farmer.” She closed her hand into a fist and stood tall. “You will have all of me or nothing at all.”

He nodded once. “Very well. I can accept those terms.”

“There is one more.” She swallowed. This last one, whatever it was, was the most important to her, and the most difficult one for her to ask.

He seated himself on his desk again and gestured for her to continue.

“You won’t come between Ieduin and me. And I won’t come between you and him. If there is ever any fallout between the two of us, we agree to leave him out of it.”

Rowan’s lips spread into a sly smirk. “I have to say I’m a little disappointed that he got to have you first. I was looking forward to beating him to it.”

Her face blazed bright red. It was a lovely color on her. “He told you?”

“I may have coerced a confession out of him this morning. However, he was also expressly forbidden from sleeping with you first by our standing agreement. Honestly, I expected him to break that rule much sooner. Self-control has never been Ieduin’s strength. But he has such great respect for you, I’m sure it was quite the conundrum for him.”

“I’m not really sure how to feel about that,” Rixxis said, the redness spreading down her neck.

Rowan laughed. “Don’t look at me like that, my dear. It’s all in good fun for us. I like to give him rules, and he likes to break them. It’s foreplay for us. Of course, when one breaks the rules, there must be consequences.”

She shifted her stance, suddenly uncomfortable. For a moment, he was afraid she might try to bolt right out the door.

He tapped his fingers on the lip of the desk. “You’re uncomfortable with that.”

“I understand you two have a special agreement. I just don’t see why anyone would want to be punished.”

“I’ll tell you what, Rixxis. It’s better explained through observation and experience. Ieduin and I have a session scheduled for this evening. If you’re interested in seeing it firsthand, forming your own opinions and finding your own answers, I’ll talk to Ieduin and see if he’s okay with you observing this evening.”

Her eyes widened. “You mean watch you two… together?”

He laughed again and stood. “There’s much more to it than sex, my dear. Though you probably know by now that neither of us is shy. If we’re all to make this work, I presume that will happen, eventually. But you’ll be welcome to leave at any time if you’re uncomfortable. No one must be more involved than they wish to be.”

“I… suppose that would be okay,” she said, gripping her arm and looking away. “If Ieduin is okay with it.”

“Then I will clear it with him at once.” He eyed the paperwork still sitting on his desk.Anything to avoid cramping my hand signing that all day.

Rixxis turned as if to go, but hesitated. “You’re sure this is what you want? That you can accept all my terms. Because if you can’t…”

He crossed the room and took her hand again, this time planting a kiss on her knuckles. “My dear, you have asked for nothing that it does not please me to give. It would be my greatest honor to be your equal.”

“Yes, well…” She cleared her throat and pulled her hand back. “I expect a proper proposal, you know.”

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