Page 60 of A Crown of Lies

“But I don’t have a ship,” her father protested.

“I have the ships,” Rowan said calmly, turning to him. “An entire fleet of them. They may be smaller than what you’re used to, but we can build. Not only that, but this opens the door for an alliance between Greymark and Qet, which could turn the tide of the war with Trinta. We need allies in this fight, now more than ever.”

Rixxis crossed her arms. “And if I don’t want to be your wife?”

“Did you want to be Lewis’s wife?”

She flinched at Rowan’s words. Lewis hadn’t been a terrible man, but they were a poor match. Her feelings for Rowan were… complicated. What if this was just another terrible match? What if she was just as miserable with him as she had been with Lewis?

Rowan stepped around the table. “I understand your reservations, but objectively, this is a good plan. Considering I am the only party in this deal that stands to lose anything, I don’t know why you wouldn’t accept it.”

“What about my happiness?” The words came tumbling out of her with no thought. “What about my freedom? I don’t want to be yoked to some throne or treated like a brood mare whose only purpose is to host balls and make heirs! I don’t want that life! Why do you think I left Qet in the first place? Why do you think I buried Celeste Callait and became Rixxis Amaranth? That life would kill me! I can’t be that ever again!”

Finally, Rowan’s mask of neutrality fell away, revealing the hurt in his eyes. “Are we such strangers that you think I would ever ask you to be something you are not? I would never, ever demand such things from you.”

“Then do not seek to negotiate with my life!” She spun and stormed for the door.

Ieduin moved out of the way, clearing the path. When she passed, he stepped in between the others and the door to ensure she could leave without anyone coming after her.

She fled into the hall and paused, not knowing which way to go. Where would be safe? There was only one place she felt she could go where no one would come to bother her, so she made for the tower stairs, taking them two at a time. By the time she was halfway up, the tears were streaming down her face and there was nothing she could do to stop them.

She nearly tore the door to her room off the hinges when she jerked it open, but she didn’t care. It would serve Rowan right to have to fix a damn door. Wasn’t like he couldn’t afford it.

He was always throwing that around, wasn’t he? How wealthy he was, how powerful. He acted like he was saving her with this offer, but it was just another trap. Another pair of shackles. Maybe he would claim he wasn’t like everyone else, but he was. All men were the same.

Except for Ieduin, maybe, she thought as she threw herself on the bed, sobbing like a child. He would never do that to her. Yet she had betrayed him, lied to him, hurt him. Perhaps even that was damaged beyond repair now.

But Ieduin was in love with Rowan. He wouldn’t love someone cold and callous, someone like Lewis who couldn’t understand that she wanted to live her own life, and not be his dutiful wife. What if Rowan was telling the truth? He had looked so hurt when she made the accusation.

Maybe he didn’t mean for her to have that life, but he couldn’t stop it. He was a king, and marriage to a king meant she would be a queen. Queens didn’t serve in the vanguard. They didn’t fight.

Eris did, argued a little voice in the back of her head. Ruith and Eris had fought side by side on the wall. Never once had the Crow asked her to change for him. It wasn’t impossible. Maybe Rowan would let her.

And maybe she didn’t need a man’s permission to be who she was.

She curled up in that bed and wept, arguing with herself, going back and forth from all angles until there were no more tears left. The shadows grew long, and the day droned on, and still she stayed in that bed, alone with her misery.

The men were probably downstairs continuing their talks, making deals that would see her sold like cattle, used like a commodity, and all because nature hadn’t had the good sense to make her a man. No, instead, she had been born a woman, her worth automatically less for being born into that body. Never mind that she was twice as strong as most men, taller than most men, that she could fight better than most of them. All her life, it was the same thing. She had to work twice as hard, twice as long, to have a shred of the respect that seemed to come to men automatically.

Why did she have to be defined by something as stupid and random as the parts between her legs? Was it so terrible to judge her based on the merits of her accomplishments and her actions rather than those of her father, her husband, whether she could provide an heir?

The door squeaked open and light from the sitting room beyond fell on where she lay. She pulled the pillow tighter against her chest. “Go away.”

“I know you don’t want to talk,” Ieduin said. “You don’t have to. All I’m asking you to do is listen, and whatever you decide, I will back you up.”

He paused, giving her room to object, or tell him again to leave. She didn’t.

“I’ve never been in your position,” he said. “All the awful shit that’s happened to me, I’ve still always had the privilege of being male in a world that rewards that for no godsdamn reason. I can’t know what that’s like. But I know what it’s like to face an impossible choice between securing a future for someone you love and your own freedom. You probably feel like it’s not much of a choice at all. Youalwayshave a choice, Rixxis. No one is going to order you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

She let out a shaky breath. “But if I don’t…”

“If you don’t, your father loses his honor, his business, and his fortune. But he will not stop loving you.” The mattress shifted as he sat down on the edge. “And neither am I. Neither is Rowan. He might be hurt for a while. He’s a lot of things, but he’s not petty. Sometimes he comes off as an ass, but deep down, he cares. So do I.”

Rixxis closed her eyes and an errant tear slid down the side of her nose. “I lied to you.”

“You did, and it sucks, but I understand why.” He placed a hand on her back. “I won’t tell you what the right decision is in this case because I’ve got no place to do that. However, you should know Rowan was incredibly apologetic about how that came out. He was hurt, too, and he’s barely slept. I’m not saying you should excuse him. You shouldn’t. But you shouldn’t dismiss him either. Give him a chance. At least talk to him.”

She rolled over onto her back to look up at him. “I don’t want things to change. I don’t want to be Celeste Callait.”

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