Page 138 of A Crown of Lies

Marry him. Marry Rowan and tie himself to Greymark forever. Gods below, forever was a long fucking time. How was he supposed to know what he wantedforever? He was barely capable of knowing what to do tomorrow, let alone forever.

The inside of his left wrist itched, and he scratched it absently before he winced at the feeling of the old scars burning on his skin like brands. That was the last time he’d ever thought aboutforever.

Forever was a scary word. It was a black void of time, indefinable.

How long would it be before Rixxis tired of him? Before Rowan did? How long before he got them killed? Everyone he’d ever cared about had left or died.

His parents, Madam Nushala… Various lovers he thought he had some kind of connection with. He was a curse. A living, breathing curse on the people that came to care about him.

And he didn’t know what he was doing. Not commanding the Crows, not with Rowan and Rixxis, not even when he was buried in Rowan’s books, trying to fix months of bad ledgers. Why did so many people think he had his shit together? It was all bullshit. An act. A shot in the dark. He got lucky sometimes. That was all. And when people found out the truth, that he wasunlucky, that everyone around him died or got hurt, he’d be alone again.

Forever.

He lifted his arm and pulled back the sleeve, staring at the scars running down the inside of his arms. I deserve these. All of them and more for what I’ve done.

“There you are,” said Rowan from behind him, ducking under a tree branch. “I was worried.”

Ieduin quickly dropped his arm and tugged down the sleeve, but he wasn’t fast enough. Rowan’s eyes were keen, even in the dark, and they snapped to the exposed scars he’d spotted once before.

Their eyes met.

Rowan paced forward in silence, bending to pick up some rocks. Silence stretched before he cast one out into the river. “I know you said you didn’t want to talk about your scars, but if you did, I’d want to listen.”

Gods above, how was he supposed to be angry with Rowan when he was so godsdamned understanding?

Ieduin hugged himself and watched Rowan throwing rocks into the river. “They’re not what you think. I didn’t do it because I wanted to die or anything. I never cut that deep.”

Rowan hesitated before throwing the next stone. “Then why?”

Ieduin’s shoulders rose and fell. “Different reasons. Sometimes it was just to prove to myself that I was real and alive. That I could bleed.”

“Why would you think…”

“Sex toys don’t bleed,” he said, avoiding looking at Rowan. “Sometimes, that’s all I felt like I was. Other times, I did it because it felt like I’d explode if I didn’t. Like the stress would kill me. All day, every fucking day, all I ever did was make sure everyone else was taken care of. From the time I got up and made my sisters breakfast, to all the customers I had to service, to going home to finish chores and put them to bed. I needed to scream, but I couldn’t. I needed to feel, but I didn’t. So, I cut.”

He sighed and turned away, closing his eyes. “But most of them are because I thought I deserved to be punished for hurting people. For disappointing people. For not being good enough.”

The last rock plopped into the river loudly.

“Ieduin.” Rowan was right behind him.

Ieduin flinched when Rowan’s fingers brushed against his ear. Not because he didn’t want to be touched. He needed touch, even if he was afraid of what it meant and where it would go. Needed it in a way he didn’t think anyone else could ever understand. That’s why the work hadn’t been so bad when he was younger. Even if it was messy, dirty, and morally reprehensible, it gave him a few minutes of the illusion that someone wanted to touch him. It was only once he got older and understood how replaceable he was that it bothered him. If all he ever amounted to were the holes in his body, some part of him must’ve reasoned that making more of them would increase his value. What a stupid thought.

Rowan came around in front of him, holding onto Ieduin’s left arm. He gave Ieduin a questioning look that Ieduin didn’t fully understand, and then lifted the arm, pulling back the sleeve. Even in the dark, some of the worst ones were visible, but he didn’t need to see them to know they were there. He knew seventeen pink lines marred his left forearm like uneven stripes. There were twelve on his right arm, three across his stomach, and five on each thigh.

Ieduin swallowed. “Don’t you know I’m poison? Everyone that’s ever loved me is gone, Rowan. They die, or-or they leave, or terrible things happen to them!”

Rowan’s hand fell away from his face. “I could say the same, you know. I lost my da in a slow and terrible way. My mum, too. And then Ambra she…” He choked and had to take a deep breath. “She left me too. Now, Ewan is gone, and I don’t know if he’s alive or dead.”

Gods below, how could Ieduin have been so selfish? Rowan was in pain too, and he’d just walked out of there, abandoning him.

“And Rixxis too,” Rowan continued. “Her mother is gone. She’s just lost her father. She was so convinced that no one would love her for who she was that she lied about it to everyone. But here we are. Three unlovable people who’ve found each other. Wholoveeach other.” He took Ieduin’s face in both hands and held him. “You are not poison. Don’t you see? You two are my very heart, and you are our heart, mine and Rixxis’s. We belong together, Ieduin. If you don’t want the ring or the crown or the wedding, that’s fine. I didn’t mean to force it upon you. But I want you—as you are—for as long as I live.”

He couldn’t fight it anymore, the overwhelming feeling that had been growing in his chest. If he didn’t do something to ease it, he might explode. Ieduin threw his arms around Rowan and put his head against Rowan’s shoulder, squeezing his eyes tight.

“I want that too,” he said, fighting tears again. “I want to be yours, and hers, and to be here, and be loved. To build a new life with you and Rixxis. I want it more than anything.”

“Then say yes,” Rowan whispered, holding him close. “All you have to do is say yes.”

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