Page 1 of Total Ship Show

CHAPTERONE

ADRIENNE

“I was only expectingfour to six inches, but he gave me the full twelve.”

Joaquin chuckles with a raised eyebrow as I plop down in my chair and pull my turkey sub sandwich from my take-out bag. Offering him half of my sandwich, he shakes his head and gestures to his own bag.

“Gracias, mi amiga,” he says with a smile. “But I brought my own today. Save it. It’ll keep if you don’t eat it all.”

Dove, one of my best friends and current roommate, tosses her fast-food tray onto the table in front of her seat, her fries spilling out of their box. She looks at my sandwich and flips me off with a laugh.

I feign shock even though nothing she does shocks me anymore. “What was that for?”

“You and your turkey and swiss on wheat.” She rolls her eyes. “Let me guess, the guy making your sandwich was hot and you wanted to impress him with your look-how-healthy-I-am lunch needs?”

I shake my head with a smirk. “It was the guy behind me actually. I wanted a double meatball with all the cheese they could give me and even thought about half a dozen chocolate chip cookies.” I notice them balking at me. “To share with you guys, of course.”

Joaquin nods. “Of course.”

“Anyway,” I continue. “The guy behind me complimented my dress and after that I was done for. I don’t even know how it happened but turkey and swiss on wheat sort of just vomited right out of my mouth before I could stop myself. But hey…” I hold up the other half of my sub. “The guy gave me twelve inches instead of the expected six, so I guess I won’t complain.”

Dove snickers. “Don’t think any girl would ever complain about getting twelve inches instead of six, Ade.”

Ade…that’s what my best friend has called me for years now. She never uses my full name.

Joaquin shakes his head, frowning. “Ladies, if a guy ever tells you he’s got twelve inches to offer you, he’s lying.”

Dove chuckles. “Says every guy on the planet with less than a twelve-inch dick.”

“I’m just saying, in all my years, I’ve never seen any man with a twelve-inch dick. Oh, except for maybe that guy on that Netflix show you made me watch. That guy was hung like a steed.”

“Sex Life?” I ask with my mouth full of sandwich.

He nods. “Was that what it was called? Should’ve been called steed-man gives girl new esophagus.”

Dove and I both nearly spit out our food. Wiping her mouth with her napkin, Dove announces, “And that’s why you don’t work in the movie industry my friend.”

“No, but I do cook for celebrities from time to time so that’s sort of like working for the movie industry.”

I give Joaquin a high five. “Whatever helps you sleep at night Babe. Also why are you the celebrity chef but I’m sitting here eating turkey and swiss?”

“Porque amiga,” he laughs. “Even head chefs need a day off to eat shit that isn’t good for them. This is that day.”

Dove shakes her head as she watches our interaction. “You guys are going to have so much fun together next week on your cruise. I’m totally jealous that it isn’t me going with you, Ade, but I’m positive your college friends are going to drool over your sexy hot Spanish friend.” She winks at Joaquin. “Those girls aren’t going to know what hit ‘em.”

I turn to smile at my dear friend who agreed to act as my boyfriend and plus-one on this cruise adventure. When my old sorority sisters invited me on this trip, I knew they weren’t going to accept a no from me. Usually, I would’ve been fine with a ladies’ trip, but this time they chose to plan a trip on Festival Cruise’sHeart of the Deepfor one of the cruise line’s Love at Sea adventures. That basically translates into either a giant orgy on the ocean as single millennials flaunt their private parts in order to connect with members of the opposite sex…or same sex if that’s what they fancy, or old married couples looking for a way to relive their younger years wearing suits they probably shouldn’t be caught dead in and groping each other under the water in the pool as if the entire ship can’t see what they’re doing.

Spoiler alert – we can all see it. We all know what you’re doing.

Anyway, there is no way I’m going on this trip alone. I would be forced to not only admit I don’t have that special someone who moves Heaven and Earth for me, but I would have to worry about how many men have shoved their vessels into someone else’s port. I’m eternally grateful Joaquin agreed to accompany me and pretend to be my boyfriend. At least I know we’ll have a shit ton of fun together as we shove our faces with chocolate, sip fancy fruity drinks, and judge every Tom, Dick, Harry, and Karen on board. I mean, an adults-only cruise with all you can eat buffets and free drinks constantly flowing?

Yes please!

As I catch Joaquin’s eye, I notice the wincing look he’s giving to Dove like he doesn’t want to be talking about the cruise.

My eyes grow large. “What?”

He snaps his head toward me. “What?”

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