Page 10 of Beautiful Crazy

Her brows pinch together. “What? No. Not a sex thing. It’s an anus thing.”

I stare at her for a quick second and then wipe my hand down my face, crossing my arms over my chest and tilting my head. Even at almost three in the morning this girl never ceases to surprise me with the things that come out of her mouth.

“I’m sorry, but I’m either partially deaf and not hearing you correctly or I’m just still asleep and therefore not following you at all. Did you just say raccoons is an anus thing?”

Don’t laugh, Emmett.

Whatever you do, do not laugh at her.

She sighs like she’s frustrated that I’m not following. “Emmett, the human anus can stretch up to seven inches before becoming damaged.”

Oh God.

“Okaaaaaay…”

“And a raccoon can squeeze itself through a hole as tight as four inches…”

She didn’t…

For the love of Christ, do not laugh!

“So technically you can take almost two whole raccoons up your ass. That’s impressive, don’t you think? I mean can you even imagine a butt plug that massive?”

I can’t hold it in. I just can’t. I double over in laughter, my arms now leaning on the back of the couch. “And you thought seeing my dick was bad?”

“What?”

“Em, did you seriously tell a guy who was just about to have sex with you that two raccoons climbing up his ass would be impressive?” Oh fuck, I can’t even ask her that question without laughing. This is just all too good. I can only imagine what my brothers would have to say, except I’ll never tell them this story because it would embarrass Emily.

She looks at me, dumbfounded, as if she’s hearing all the words she just said for the first time and is now replaying them in her head. “I mean…” Her big brown eyes look up at me from underneath her long lashes as her voice comes out like a tiny squeak. “Yes?”

I don’t say anything in reply. I simply take a few big breaths and give her my best sympathetic smile. Finally, her shoulders slump and she pulls her hat off her head, defeated.

“Ugh. You’re right. I should’ve saved that little tidbit for a special occasion.”

I cringe and rub the back of my neck with my hand. “I mean is there a special occasion that warrants that conversation? Really?”

She giggles and finally realizes the ridiculousness of her entire night. “Listen, if it were like, raccoon night at the zoo or maybe one of those sex-toy parties…”

I step over to her and start unbuttoning her coat for her as she slips off her mittens. “I guess you’re right. If one of those two very specific events ever happens…you will be woefully prepared with the perfect knowledge to share.”

She steps out of her coat, and I take it to the closet to hang for her. “Thanks Emmett. For making me laugh. I wasn’t laughing at all until I got home. I’m sorry I woke you.”

I give her thoughts a dismissive head shake. “Don’t ever worry about waking me up, Em. As long as you made it home safely and didn’t get hurt other than maybe a little ego bruise, that’s all that matters. Come on, you can snuggle with me tonight if you want. I finally pulled out my big down comforter for the winter.”

“That sounds heavenly. But you’ll keep your pants on, right?”

“No promises.”

She shoots me a warning glare, but I laugh and scoop her up into a big hug, wrapping my arms around her waist. Her perfume permeates my nose and I have the incredible urge to inhale against her neck and kiss behind her ear.

Show her a real happy ending.

But I can’t.

Because we’re just friends and friends don’t kiss behind each other’s ears.

“I was kidding. Of course, I’ll keep my pants on. Come on.” I flip off the lights and lead her down the hallway. “I need my beauty sleep.”

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