Page 3 of Beautiful Crazy

“Yeah, I guess so. So, you want to eat take-out and binge some Netflix tonight or do you feel the need to drink yourself to sleep?”

“Oh, I think there’s definitely going to be a little of both.”

“Okay. I think we have a little tequila left in the bottle. Other than that, we have…” She walks over to the liquor cabinet and opens the door. “Whiskey, Bailey’s, margarita mix, six bottles of wine, vodka…”

“Vodka goes in anything. Let’s drink that. Let me grab my phone and I’ll order us some take-out and then help clean up the chicken bricks.”

___

“Jeeee-sus! What the fuck, Emily?” I nearly choke on a bite of sweet and sour chicken. “Are you trying to kill a guy while he’s down? Nobody’s penis is that big. What did you just make me watch?”

I swallow another shot of vodka – vodka because we already finished off the last of the tequila, and vodka because I just saw one of the biggest dicks I think I’ve ever seen on a human, and now I feel the need to feel sorry for myself - and watch Emily as she laughs herself breathless at my reaction.

“Sorry!” She giggles, gesturing to the television after swallowing another shot of vodka and fruit punch. “Everyone on TikTok is doing it. The Sex Life challenge has been trending for days and some reactions I’ve seen are priceless. But oh, my God, Emmett, they say it’s real and not a prosthetic, and if that’s the truth then holy cheese and rice, how does it not puncture her lungs when they’re going at it? And how the hell does he wear pants every day? Does he hang it down one pant leg?” She mimes stuffing something down her pants and then swirls her finger. “Does he curl it up like a cinnamon roll in the front?”

Ouch.

I’m pretty sure my balls just receded inside my body to hide from the thoughts of my roommate. I point my finger at her.

“Okay, I have to stop you right there. First of all, cinnamon roll penises,” I tell her, shaking my head. “Not a thing. And if that’s what you’ve been asking the men you’ve gone out with lately, then I think it’s safe to say that’s why you’re single. Secondly…” I gesture to the TV. “I hope you don’t see a dick like his and get your hopes up because most of us are normal men. Not unicorn stallions like that guy. Though he’s definitely got it goin’ on down under.” I try for an Aussie accent with that last part, but I fail miserably.

Emily throws a pillow at me from the couch. “Hey, I’m just trying to add more penis facts to my memory bank. A girl needs to know these things! We’ve lived together for two years now, and you’ve never once shared your penis knowledge with me.”

“And you’re welcome for that.” I nod. “It’s called mutual respect. That’s why I don’t walk around here naked…but if that’s what you want, it can definitely be arranged.”

Did I seriously just say that to her?

Walking around naked in this apartment with Emily Chesney living here?

That would be a first.

Maybe it’s time to stop drinking.

For a hot second, I panic that she might actually say yes, but she doesn’t, so I continue.

“And anyway, I don’t remember seeing it written somewhere that roommates are supposed to talk about their junk around each other.”

“Yeah, but if I was a guy, you would,” she notes.

I nod, taking another bite of my dinner. “Yep. Probably.”

“And I’ve seen you in your boxers before.”

“Yeah, but you’ve never seen my junk.” I swallow my bite and turn my head, eyebrows perched. “Do you want me to show you my junk Em? Is that what you’re asking?”

She covers her eyes and squeals along with a fit of giggles. “Ew! No! We live together for fuck’s sake.”

A lazy, drunk chuckle escapes me. “So, what? What does that have to do with anything?”

“Your…” She gestures to my nether region from the other end of the couch. “Junk…is not for my eyes. I don’t need that thing swingin’ around here like an elephant’s trunk.” She holds a finger up in the air. “On a related note, did you know an elephant’s penis can grow to a little over three feet in length and when erect it’s usually in an S shape?”

I take another shot of vodka and sit up taller, prouder even. “So, now you’re comparing my penis to that of an elephant?”

She shakes her head. “What? No! That’s not what I said.”

“You just said you didn’t need my dick swinging around here like an elephant’s trunk and I’m pretty sure those are longer than three feet, soooo…” I look down at my junk and then back at her waggling my brows.

Emily throws her head back in laughter. “Oh, my God. You’re too much. You know what I mean.”

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