Page 56 of Help Me Remember

“But…you remember her name?”

“Huh. I guess I do. I didn’t dream about her though, or remember, whatever you want to call it.”

He snorted. “Call it either or both if it helps you talk about it.”

“I remembered…being friends with you back in school. What it was like to come home and find my house totally empty. You would always call me and act like you were bored, even though I knew you loved reading all the damn time or watching those crappy soap operas. But I knew you were doing it so I wouldn’t have to be home alone. I never told you I knew,” I told him with a smirk.

Eric’s shoulders eased, and he tilted his head. “I didn’t want you to think I was like…taking pity on you or something. You could be so proud sometimes, so stuck on being Mr. Independent that you wouldn’t have accepted anything else.”

“That…sounds about right,” I said with a shrug. “Not everything has come back. Just enough to know how important you were to me, how much you meant. That’s why…”

Eric’s brow furrowed. “Why, what?”

“That’s why I put distance between us,” I said, trying to recall the dream. More importantly, I was trying to remember the exact reasons and events that led me to that decision.

“It was intentional?” he asked.

“Yes, but I’m not sure why. I know I did it because I wanted you to be safe and didn’t want you to know what I was doing. And…for selfish reasons.”

“Okay, those first things definitely sound like you, but what would have been the selfish part?”

This was probably a conversation my former self would have balked at having, probably horrified it had even come up in the first place. The thing was, everything the old me hadn’t wanted to happen had happened. It seemed his life, my life, had found its way to Eric’s doorstep and dragged him along for the ride. Whatever he’d wanted for Eric didn’t matter anymore, and perhaps his secrets…my secrets didn’t matter as much anymore either.

“Because I knew I was going to be doing some rough things,” I said with a frown. “I knew I was headed into a dark place and wanted to have some things that were good, bright and warm. Something I could hold on to when I had to face awful things, just something to keep me balanced or at least sane. I didn’t want the world I had with you to bleed into the new world I was going to. I wanted you safe, but I wanted to keep you firmly in the light, at least in my head, so I could have something. That was one reason I came to see you on campus.”

“That was the last time I saw you until I found you in your underwear at the clinic,” he said quietly. “I remember replaying those couple of days over and over in my head. I was never able to shake the feeling you were saying goodbye.”

“Not really goodbye,” I said with a wince. “More like maybe goodbye. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me.”

“And you didn’t think to tell me you were going into something dangerous?” he demanded with sudden heat.

“I was being selfish,” I told him. “I wanted to have…one last time with just you and me, where everything between us was good, where I was good. I didn’t want it ruined by telling you what was going to happen.”

Eric’s lips thinned. “And what was going to happen?”

“I don’t know,” I said with a shake of my head. “I remember getting into a fight with you on the phone a while after that. I did that with a bunch of Russian guys sitting nearby, and I did it on purpose.”

Eric snorted, turning his face away from me. “God, I told myself I was being paranoid, but goddammit, I knew you provoked me. I knew you were being a dick.”

“Look,” I said softly. “I wish I had more answers. I wish I could remember what I was doing. I wish I didn’t have to depend on you believing I’m a better person than it looks like I am right now. I really do. And I wish I could give you a proper apology.”

Eric sniffled, and I realized why he’d turned his face away. “Apology?”

“Because…I don’t know if what I did was the right thing, and I don’t want to apologize if I won’t end up meaning it,” I told him softly, refusing to let go of his hand. “But I can say now what I couldn’t say back then. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for being such an asshole to you. I thought it was necessary at the time, but the idea of hurting you, then and now, bothered me more than I can explain.”

He sniffled again. “That’s a pretty shitty apology.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said with a sigh. “But it’s the best I’ve got right now. It’s the best I can offer you.”

Eric turned to face me, his eyes swimming with the tears he’d been holding back. “I’ve also heard worse. At least now I know I wasn’t crazy back then. My instincts were right.”

“And even though I don’t have the full story, I also figured out I didn’t actually know I was into guys when I was living in the city,” I said sheepishly. “Maybe more will come back to me, but I’m pretty sure I was in the closet even to myself.”

“When did you figure it out?”

“I don’t know. But it was after I left and before I came back for that last visit. I don’t know how I figured it out, or if I tested it out, but I knew…and I also knew that…”

My nerves threatened to fray before I finished the rest of my explanation. It was beyond me how I could sit there and admit to the man the shame of lying to him while still having to acknowledge that I couldn’t explain how I’d become a part of a Russian Mafia but couldn’t tell him how I felt. Apparently, while Eric was terrible at hiding his feelings, I wasn’t the greatest at expressing mine.

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