Page 54 of Help Me Remember

But just as I had to accept that my past and present lives were separate for my own good and the good of people like Eric, I also had to accept that missed opportunities were gone for good. My life and his would never mingle, not without blood, pain, and probably death.

Eric deserved better than the life I led.

“I really need you to mind your own business once in a while, Eric,” I told him coldly, ignoring the shooting pain in my chest and the ugly knotting of my gut. “If I wanted you to know, I’d let you know, alright? I don’t get up in your business.”

“Fuck you,” Eric snapped, and I could hear his hurt feelings feeding his anger. I had started a fight that would bring a rift of silence between us.

Afterward, I tried to make it feel like a victory, even with the bitter taste in my mouth.

* * *

“No,” I groaned as I felt myself drop before unexpectedly landing on a firm but not hard surface. “Didn’t…didn’t mean to…sorry.”

“Not your fault,” a warm but worried voice told me from somewhere out of sight.

“Was…” I said, feeling sluggish and desperate to reach back in time and take back what I’d said and done. Maybe it had been for the best, but handing out that kind of hurt and pain had just been…too much for me.

“Okay, but I need you to lay there. Don’t you move, you understand? I can’t help you if you start thrashing around.”

“Sure, yeah,” I said dully, thinking that was a pretty easy promise to keep.

At least until I felt my entire side light up with what felt like an inferno of pain and heat. My back arched, and I fought against the urge, pushing myself back down. It did nothing to help with the agony ripping through me, and I felt myself tip back into darkness.

* * *

I caught sight of him before he saw me. He had grown his hair, making him look younger than when I’d seen him a few years earlier, just before I left Port Dale for good. He had a book bag thrown lazily over one shoulder and was peering down at his phone, giving it a little shake as though in frustration. That little gesture made me smile as I stood beside my car, hands in my pockets, waiting patiently.

I had planned to come back for a surprise visit but meant it to happen months ago. Time was a weird thing and had a habit of getting away from me if I didn’t pay strict attention to it. As a partner, Life had decided to take a strange turn as well, and now all the original plans I’d had were out the window.

Eric brushed away a stray lock of his hair, which was pretty pointless considering how windy it was. I watched him, content to let my heart ache as I took in the sight of him, allowing myself to mourn all the things that could have been and probably should have been in another lifetime. I had intended to come back and show him everything my life had become, how far I had come, to show that I really had gone out to be the person I’d always wanted to be.

But plans changed, whether I wanted them to or not, and this might be one of the last times I would be able to see him for quite some time. I wanted to see him before I began what I knew was a slow descent into the dark, so I could have this one bright memory to hold on to.

Taking a breath, I pushed all those black thoughts away and sent the text I’d typed but had held on to. I would undoubtedly mourn again when I was gone from Port Dale. When I had spent my few days with the best friend I’d ever had, a man who I’d only recently come to realize I was in love with. My feelings would remain a secret, along with so many other things, and I needed to be living in the moment while I was here.

I saw the moment Eric saw the text, his eyes going wide. He turned around rapidly, and when his eyes fell on me, I laughed softly at the comical surprise that made his eyes huge and his mouth fall open. He dropped his phone in his haste to shove it back into his jacket pocket, scrambling to scoop it up as he darted toward me.

The look of sheer joy on his face and the way he hugged me without hesitation would stay with me for years, a precious memory among all the others to carry me through the dark days.

* * *

I still ached when I woke up again, but my head felt less foggy despite the throb coming from what felt like the center of my skull. The room around me was dark save for a shaft of moonlight peeking through the curtains. I took stock of the room, realizing I was lying in the middle of a bed. I also saw a dresser, a chair, and little else. The walls were bare, and there was only a lamp on the table beside the bed. Other than that, there was nothing to distinguish the room. No personality or color.

“Fuck,” I muttered, trying to sit up and look around. My head felt stuffed with my ‘dreams’ and the memory of the last few seconds before I’d first lost consciousness.

I winced as I felt burning pain light up my left side and brought my hand down to touch the stiffness of bandages. The sight of them and the pain was enough to bring back the sharpness of what had happened. My eyes widened as I remembered swerving and heading straight for the woods next to the road. “Eric?”

“Whazzat?” I heard from somewhere off to my left before Eric popped up, peering around the room blearily. His attention turned to me, and his eyes widened. “Oh! You’re awake, thank God!”

“What’re you doing on the floor?” I asked in confusion.

“Getting some sleep,” he said, pushing himself upright and leaning on the bed to examine me. “How do you feel?”

“Like shit,” I told him, trying to look him over to see how badly he was hurt.

Eric frowned. “Yes, that makes sense, but I mean specifically. You have to be specific.”

“I feel like I got shot and crashed a car,” I said, reaching up to brush my face, which still felt raw. “Face hurts too, though not as bad as I thought it would.”