Page 26 of Help Me Remember

I actually heard his breath catch, as though his throat muscles had seized up so hard they’d cramped his lungs. His eyes went wide, and he instantly stepped back, drawing his hand away as though he’d been burned. “Dylan, that’s not what—”

“I know you aren’t trying to do anything,” I told him gently, turning slowly so I didn’t startle him. “I just wanted to know.”

His fingers curled and uncurled in rapid succession. “How the hell did you figure it out now when you were blind to it for so long before?”

“Who says I was?” I asked, finally turning around enough to face him. “Maybe I was the type not to say anything.”

Eric’s hand had drawn up close to his chest, and he let out a faint snort. “Since when? You were always the one to speak.”

“Maybe,” I said gently, hating the way he was pulling away as though he expected trouble or harm from me. I reached out slowly, taking hold of his hand and pulling it from his chest. “Or maybe I knew, kinda like I do now, that it wasn’t easy for you to talk about or even hear.”

Eric’s shoulders sagged at my words. “That…yes. I tried to keep it from you. I didn’t want it to…affect things, you know? After you found out I was gay, you never treated me any differently, and I didn’t want to give you a reason to.”

I was tempted to tell him I wouldn’t have treated someone differently just because they developed feelings for me, but I couldn’t make that promise. For all I knew, the man I was before would have been more than willing to turn his back or put distance between him and a friend out of awkwardness and worry. Hell, for all I knew, I could have been the sort who was willing to tolerate a gay friend so long as they “didn’t hit on me.”

But I found myself staring at our joined hands and suspected the only reason I would have acted awkward about Eric being gay was if I was too scared or in denial about my own feelings about other men. Of course, I couldn’t say whether or not I had felt that way about Eric in the past, but I was certainly feeling something in the present.

That same thing must have shown in my eyes because I saw Eric’s widen as he looked me over in wonder. “Uh…Dylan?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you…have you…are…are you…?”

He was stumbling and repeating himself, but I thought I knew what he was asking me. I hadn’t brought it up before because…well, I didn’t know why. He had been trying to help me piece together who I was ever since the first conversation we’d shared in the clinic, and even though it might have come as a surprise to him then, maybe knowing I was gay would have helped one or both of us put more of the puzzle together.

Yet I had held back, just one more thing I kept on the back burner among all the other stuff. Every time I tried to make sense of what I was and wasn’t feeling, my head filled with constant static, jolting me no matter what direction I turned or how safe I tried to be.

“Pretty sure,” I said helplessly.

“You were…you were gay the whole time?” he demanded in shock.

I thought back to the day before when my eyes had followed a pair of joggers I’d stumbled across in a park a few blocks from his apartment. Just as it had been with Eric, my eyes had swept over the couple, instantly logging what I appreciated seeing. Neither the man nor the woman was aware of my analysis, and I hadn’t given it much thought save that it had been a nice sight before continuing with my day.

“Not…not gay,” I said with a frown, realizing that the moment had possibly been more important than I’d given it credit for at the time.

“Bi?”

“Pretty sure.”

“The whole time?”

“The whole time I’ve known you…well, this version of me anyway. I don’t know what me before was like or felt.”

Eric sighed. “I know some people like to debate it, but as far as most people are concerned, you either are or aren’t something when it comes to sexuality. So you were probably bi back then too.”

“Probably,” I added helpfully.

“Christ,” he groaned, his hand gripping mine tighter. Considering how distracted he was, I wasn’t sure he even realized we were still holding hands. “That presents so many questions I know you can’t answer.”

“Like what?”

“Like when you figured it out. If you knew even when we were close and just didn’t bring it up. Because I adore you and all, Dylan, but you tended to keep things to yourself.”

I thought about the things I hadn’t told him yet, like the little voice that had kept me cautious and paranoid since I’d woken up in the abandoned building. The same voice I was pretty sure my fighting instincts had come from. Or about the dreams filled with confusing, clipped sensations of smoke, blood, and pain.

Maybe I wasn’t all that different from who I was before.

“And it makes me wonder if you were actually dating when I wasn’t paying attention, when the whole time I was beginning to suspect you weren’t into anyone ever,” Eric continued, apparently oblivious to my quiet guilt.

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