Page 9 of Still His

“Was that a question?” He smirks at me.

Always so damn bossy. I see some things really never change. Not that I’d want them to, not where he’s concerned. Except, you know, him wanting me the way I want him.

“No.” I sigh and lean my head against the back of the seat before rolling it to look towards him. “The flight was good. Quick.” I take another breath. “A lot better than the way I got there,” I mumble and his eyes narrow.

“Well, who’s fault is that, hmm?” He can be such an arrogant asshole sometimes.

“Alright, that’s it.” I sit up straight and pin him with a look. “You want to talk about why I left, let’s talk, Dad.”

He curses and runs a hand down his face. “Fine, Catherine. Why don’t we start with why you left without even a goodbye? Seems as good a place to start as any.”

Ouch. He had to go for the throat straight out the gate.

“Because it was too hard. You never would have let me go.” I swallow as his face darkens with pain and anguish.

“Was being near me really that bad, Cat?”

“No!” I rush to assure him, but wasn’t it? I was too in love with him to see him every day when he pushed me away. Kept me at a distance. “At least, not for the reasons you’re assuming.”

He nods. “And what do you think I’m assuming in this situation, Cat?” The way he keeps saying my name is setting alarm bells off in my head that I’m too tired to pay attention to right now.

“That you think I hate you.”

“Do you?”

I shake my head as tears start to build.

“I could never hate you, Dad. You’re everything to me.” He sucks in a breath and looks back out the window, breaking our eye contact as the first tear falls down my cheeks.

“I was terrified when you left.” He doesn’t look back at me, like saying the words while seeing me would be too painful. “I was angry with you. With myself.” I suck in a breath. “I pushed you away because of the feelings you had for me instead of confronting them.” His head turns back to me, his eyes red with exhaustion and emotion. “I blamed myself for pushing you away.” He looks back to the window before continuing. “The only thing in my life that I loved and cherished, and I ruined it. You. I hurt you and I couldn’t live with myself.”

I’m speechless as he opens his soul and hurt to me. A hurt that I caused when I left without an explanation or a goodbye.

Maybe it would have been easier for me to open up about how I was feeling so he understood why I had to leave. Why I felt like I didn’t have a choice back then.

At least I can try and explain it now.

“When my parents died, you became everything to me. You raised me, watched me grow and taught me so much.” The tears are falling freely now as I look out my own window, desperate to avoid eye contact knowing it will break me right now. “You taught me how to ride a bike, how to swim. How to climb a tree without breaking my arm.”

His hand reaches for mine in the middle of the back seat, and I gladly give it to him, both of us looking out our windows.

“At some point, I started to go from hero worshipping you to feeling these…things. I didn’t understand it at first. How I could be attracted to you when you were my Dad, my everything?” His hand spasms in mine and I give it a squeeze. “Anyways, when you started to push me away because I was showing how I felt, it got to be too much.”

There’s a long pause as neither of us talks. The sound of the cars around us on the highway the only thing to be heard over my own racing heart.

“I’m sorry I pushed you away, Cat. It’s because I didn’t know how to handle your feelings in the right way.” He sighs and I tilt my head, trying to figure out what he means.

“I know it’s not a normal situation, Dad. After a few years of crushing on you and knowing it wasn’t okay, I knew I had to leave. I had to try and move on from the overwhelming desire I had for you.”

He makes a choked sound before turning back to me. “I could have handled it in many ways, Cat. None of them include the way I did handle it.”

I nod, dragging my lip through my teeth, the bite of pain a reminder to breathe. “I felt like I ruined your life.”

His eyes snap to mine as his hold on my hand tightens to an almost painful degree.

“You are a lot of things to me, Catherine Vans, but none of them are bad.” He takes a deep breath to try and calm the emotions I can see waging a war inside of him. “You are my daughter, my girl. The reason I get up every single fucking day. You have never and will never ruin my life. You hear me?” He’s stern, his grip still tight on my hand and I nod.

I can’t process the feelings I’m having into words, but he’s so adamant that I didn’t ruin his life that I believe him.

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