Page 106 of The Way We Are

Before I can answer her, the whimpered voice of my mom fills the silence teeming between us.

Ivy leaves fall at Savannah’s feet when she drops down from the trestle. “Is that your mom? Is she okay?” she asks, the worry on her face picking up.

I stop her attempt to skirt by me by gripping her elbow. “It’s not my mom. It’s nothing.”

Confusion crosses Savannah’s face, but that’s not the only new expression she's wearing. She is also suspicious.

“If it’s not your mom, who is it?” she questions, the distrust in her voice as high as my heart rate. “Is it the person responsible for occupying so much of your time today you couldn’t answeranyof my calls or texts?”

Her distrust shocks me. This is not like Savannah.Obviously, I’m not the only one having a bad day.

“It’s nothing,” I repeat, a better denial above me.

Noticing I am guiding her away from the person she desperately wants to uncover, Savannah fights against my hold. With the police sirens I hear wailing in the distance growing louder with every second that passes, my grip on her arm is almost deadly. I’m not meaning to hurt her, but I need her to leave—and I need her to leave now.

“Who is it, Ryan? Why are you hiding them from me?” Savannah inhales a sharp breath as the suspicion on her face switches to anger. “Are they the reason you’re wearing a towel? Why were you so desperate to stop me, you couldn’t put on a pair of pants...?”

Her words trail off when her eyes drop to the scrap of material barely covering my modesty. “Is that lipstick...? Oh my god. That’s lipstick, isn’t it?”

Her accusations blindside me, but since I can’t reveal the red smear she's staring at is the blood of my deceased father, I keep my mouth shut.

My failure to answer Savannah’s question in a timely manner adds to her agitation. She yanks out of my grasp with the determination of a ninja before racing for the side gate I only just dragged her through. Gratitude for months of tactical response training slams into me when I curl my arm around her waist and yank her away from my back porch with only a second to spare.

“Let me go, Ryan!” Savannah screams, thrusting against my hold. “Let me go. I want to see who it is.”

“I don’t want you to see that, Savannah,” I mutter in her ear, my voice as devastated as hers. “It’s not something Ieverwant you to see.”

“You promised you’d never hurt me, Ryan,” she sobs, mistaking my confession as one of guilt. “You promised.”

When she pulls away from my hold for the second time, I let her go. My decision is more based on our location than her desire to get away from me. We are now standing in the middle of my front yard, a good dozen or more feet from the atrocity in my backyard.

Savannah angrily swipes at the tears streaming down her cheeks before locking her eyes with mine. I want to pull her into my chest and tell her nothing is as it seems. I want to wipe away every tear falling from her eyes while promising she will never cry again. But since I know she deserves a better life than the one I’m moments away from living, I don’t do either of those things.

I let her believe the crazy notions filling her head.

I let her think I’m hiding a dirty secret I promised I’d never have.

I let her eyes judge me like I am a cheater just like my father.

Because I’d rather her think I am a cheating, low-life scum than have her waste the prime years of her life waiting for me. If Savannah was to discover the truth, she would wait for me. That isn’t a possibility. It is a certainty. She's a nurturer and a protector, just like me. It's the way we are. We don’t know any different.

“Are you... Did you...”

I don’t know if heartbreak is stealing Savannah’s words or confusion. If I had the time, I’d sit down and work it out, but since the wailing of sirens is warning of my imminent arrest, I use a tactic I swore I’d never use on her. I lie.

“The distance became too much, Savannah. I got sick of waiting for you to come home.”

My confession knocks the wind from Savannah’s lungs. “It’s just your new job playing with your emotions, Ryan. It will settle down soon. If it doesn’t, I’ll request a transfer. I’ll take a gap year. We’ll make it work.”

I shake my head, pretending I’m not thrilled by her suggestions. “It’s too late for that. I’ve found someone else.”

“What?” Savannah only says one word, but her eyes ask so many more. “You’re not like him, Ryan. You wouldn’t do this to me. You wouldn’t do this tous.”

When I step closer to her, incapable of ignoring the pain in her eyes for a second longer, she holds her hands out in front of her body, stopping my advancement.

“Tell the truth, Ryan. Tell me the real reason you want me to leave, and I will go. I’ll walk away and never look back.”

I swallow to soothe the burn in my throat before muttering, “I don’t want this life anymore. It’s time to move on.” Because my reply is honest, it comes out sounding that way.

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