Page 3 of The Wrong Brother

We spend a couple of hours together swimming and talking and snacking under the umbrella. It feels like old times, back when life was uncomplicated and the Simms boys were our closest friends. Rafferty is out surfing and I lie back on my towel, musing that I haven’t even cracked open my book. I’ve been enjoying myself too much to retreat into a story. That never happens. Books are my security blanket, giving me a way to hide when I start to feel anxious without giving away how freaked out I get. They allow me to still appear in control and even intelligent instead of the anxious mess I often am. Mina snags another cookie and stretches out next to me.

“Thanks for coming. Not only because I’m always glad to spend time with you, either. Raff needed to get out of his own head today and you’ve really helped. I probably would have ended up teasing him until he got frustrated and left.”

“Oh no, what’s going on?”

As my sister describes his latest break-up and the string of women who can’t see below his surface and treat him like a piece of meat, I feel ill. Shit. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing. From the moment I spotted him, before I even realized who he was, I’ve been crushing on the boy next door because of his exterior. I’m as bad as all of his exes. Worse, even, because I know what he’s really like. It casts a pall over the rest of the morning. Rafferty deserves better. But now that we’ve been close again, I don’t know if I can turn that awareness off. I think the only thing I can do, to ensure that I don’t become just like every other woman in his life, is to keep my distance. So much for it being like old times. Looks like this can be added in the negative column after all.

3

rafferty

I make my way back up the beach, board tucked against my side, stopping to watch the Brookner sisters underneath the umbrella. They couldn’t be more different—dark and light not unlike me and Griffin. Mina is tiny and fiery, brash and edgy—even her style is bold with her blunt-cut dark hair and double nose piercings. Catherine is long and graceful, reserved and sweet—everything about her is warm. It’s nice seeing the two of them together again, shoulder to shoulder, smiling and laughing.

After setting my board down out of the way, I sit on the towel at Catherine’s feet. While stretching my legs out I brush against hers and she blushes, a light wash of pink rising under her freckles. She’s always beautiful but Catherine blushing is next level.I’ve tried duplicating that exact combination of soft colors and textures more than once but I can never get her right. Those attempts and failures are only for me though, my own personal passion project. I listen to their conversation for a while with no desire to join in, simply happy to be in their company.

I’m leaning back on my elbows, face tipped up to the sun, when a shadow stretches over me, everything darkening like a cloud drifting in front of the sun. Looking over there’s a woman next to me. She’s cute—nice smile, pretty features, rocking her bikini—but she’s no Catherine. Especially when she has the bad luck of being right next to Catherine.

“Hi! I like your tattoos.” She bites her lip and tilts her head. I know it’s supposed to be sexy but all I can see is the calculation behind it and the falseness grates on my nerves.

“Oh, thanks. Me too.”

She reaches down and slips a card between my fingers, still planted in the sand. “Let me know if you ever want to let me get a closer look.” She winks and saunters away. I wince and turn back toward the Brookners rather than watch her, dropping her card on the towel.

“You weren’t fucking kidding, Raff!” Mina scoffs, wrinkling her nose. “It’s like that all the time?”

I shake my head, wishing we could talk about anything else. “All the time. Equal to the likelihood that she would be incredibly disappointed when she found out what I’m really like.”

“What you’re really like?” Catherine asks quietly.

“I’m not sure any of them truly want to know—the reality doesn’t even matter. It’s more that I never match up to their expectations. Who am I is, I don’t know, too much? Too emotional?” I shrug as if it barely bothers me instead of being the dagger that is eternally buried deep within me. “Any cookies left?”

Mina tosses me the container and Catherine chews on the side of her finger, looking pensive. I want to draw her out, but am afraid of me being ‘too much too soon’ driving her away. I sit quietly, watching the two of them while I eat far too many cookies. It’s a good thing my entire afternoon is booked solid with personal training sessions because it’s going to take hours of work to balance out the insane amount of empty calories I’ve consumed, not that I regret a single one. After I catch Catherine’s eye for the fourth or fifth time, I figure it’s probably best if I occupy myself some other way that keeps me from staring. Lying back, I tuck my hands under my head and let the heat of the sunshine dry me while the sounds of Mina and Catherine’s voices drift around me like a familiar, nostalgic song.

When I open my eyes, the sun is much higher overhead. I must have dozed off. I turn my head to find Mina alone under the umbrella, her e-reader in hand. Fuck. Did I do something to make Catherine leave? I probably made her uncomfortable with all the staring. I didn’t mean to, but I haven’t seen her in so long and I wasn’t prepared.

It’s a very closely guarded secret, as in I’ve never told anyone ever, that I’ve had a thing for her for a long, long time. It was good that none of us paired off as teenagers—we all needed the friendships more than a brief, immature relationship—but I always saw her. She was beautiful even then with her honey-colored hair and big blue eyes. She’s even more so now, not because of how she’s matured but for the grace and quiet confidence she exudes. Catherine is special. She’s the measuring stick against which every other woman falls short. And now I’ve pushed her away. I don’t want this to be the start of a weekend slump, but I’m not sure it’s avoidable. Fuck.

“Did, uh, Catherine have somewhere to be?” I’m lucky Mina is distracted because that was lame as shit. The last thing I need is her zeroing in on my interest.

“She said she had some things she needed to take care of, but between you and me? I think she’s cleaning. It’s her usual Sunday thing. You know how she is about routine and order.” Mina smiles and rolls her eyes.

A little blossom of hope unfurls in my chest. Maybe it wasn’t my fault. It’s possible Catherine didn’t want her Sunday to get too far off schedule. And now that we’ve reconnected, maybe this will become a regular thing. I can tone down the staring and get myself under control if it means getting to be around her more often. That’s the dream right there—getting to be near Catherine—and I’m pathetic enough to take that any way I can get it.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. Over the next couple of months, I don’t see Catherine at all. I try to subtly arrange group hangs, but she declines. Every. Single. Time. The same thing happens when Mina tries to get the three of us together. It hasn’t been said, but it feels like she doesn’t accept any invitation that includes me. I could be reading into that, it is something I’m very good at, but the evidence is glaring. Even Mina has commented, though, that Catherine has been more withdrawn lately. She says Catherine has been keeping to herself, canceling plans, begging off of dinners, and insisting she’s fine. I wish I could check up on her and make sure she’s ok, but it’s pretty clear she wouldn’t want that from me. It stings but I have to come to terms with the fact that Catherine doesn’t want to be my friend, let alone anything else.

When we run into each other at Mina’s apartment, looking for her separately, and end up spending a pleasant morning together, with Mina, I count myself lucky. The morning started off strange: Griffin was already in Mina’s apartment when we arrived. The vibe was off, he was acting super weird, and then he ditched us abruptly. After that, though, breakfast with the Brookner sisters is nice and they include me in their plans to hang out at Catherine’s place. We’re walking over together when Mina gets what sounds like a work call. She finishes as we walk through the front door, already in business mode.

“Sorry guys, I’ve gotta run to the ER at Kapiolani. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone, I don’t have a lot of details on the case, but I’ll come back here as soon as I’m done.”

I hope whatever child is involved is okay but with Mina as their child welfare social worker, I know they’re in good hands. From my side of things, I’m elated. All morning long Catherine has smiled at me, blushing and laughing and giving me hope I should not allow myself to acknowledge. When the door closes behind Mina and it’s just the two of us, it feels like things maybe, possibly,fingers crossedare finally going in my favor.

4

catherine

Mina runs out, the door slamming behind her, and I’m alone with Rafferty. Not gonna lie, even before I found myself attracted to him, Rafferty has always made me a little nervous. Even when we were teenagers, it always felt like Rafferty saw and understood a lot more than he let on. And he’s much wiser and smarter than people realize. I’m always secretly afraid that so much of who I am is simply a carefully constructed social mask and if anyone could see through me, it’s him.

“Well, Catherine the Great, what should we do now?” He smiles, his words light and friendly.

---