Page 71 of Reckless Liar

“Did you mean it?” I asked.

Xander straightened, looking over at me. “What I said to Eloise? Of course. You know I don’t say things I don’t mean.”

I thought back to when he told me he loved me, and the fervency in his gaze. The way he insisted I let him take care of me.

“I do,” I whispered.

In the dark of the living room, I stepped closer to him. The only sound was the dull roar of cars on the street outside our window. We stared at each other, and the silence stretched out into a palpable form. He was first to look away as he rubbed a hand over his face.

“I should probably...” he trailed off, motioning to his room. I nodded at him. It was a good idea for us to sleep separately for the rest of the night. We might be able to fool a drunk Eloise but, in the morning, she’d see right through our lies.

At his doorway I grasped his arm and waved my hand in the direction of the living room behind us. “Is she right? Do you think what we’re doing is wrong?” I asked softly.

“No. We can’t think that way.” He hesitated, looking away from me. “Though, I got to say Eloise’s words hurt. I mean, I know I’m never going to be Max...”

“I don’t want you to be Max,” I murmured, leaning forward. I laid a hand on his neck and lowered my voice, the words coming out before I could catch them. “That girl who fell in love with Max hasn’t been me for a long time.”

He looked down at me, surprise coloring his face. Our eyes locked as he cupped my cheek, his thumb slowly ran over my cheekbone.

“For over fifteen years I didn’t let myself admit the truth. You were everything I wanted but I could never have you. I couldn’t let myself think of you that way,” Xander whispered.

I stood on my tiptoes and rested my cheek against his jaw, my lips inches from his ear. “I’m here now.”

He wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me up off the ground. “You are, aren’t you?”

I pulled his face down to mine, pressing a quick kiss to his lips. “I’ll miss you in my bed tonight.”

Chapter twenty-six

“Nothing will ever hurt this much.” -Ana a week after Max died.

Eloisewasgonethenext morning. The couch cushions were askew, and the blanket was balled up in the basket under the side table. I’d hoped we could talk, but she sent each of my calls to voice mail and wouldn’t return any of my texts.

I wanted desperately to explain what was going on. I needed to tell her I still missed her brother every day and that I loved her as a sister.

I wanted to tell her that for the first time since Max died, I had flickers of hope that maybe I could get back some of the happiness I had when he was alive. She needed to know that the emotion I felt was different. It was a calmer sensation. Being with Max held an edge of fear. When he and I were together, I knew I was in constant danger of being cut down.

Xander wasn’t any less intense and I had a deep desire to be with him and touch him. But there was a reverence to what Xander and I had, that I never felt with Max. I wanted to tell Eloise how I felt safe with Xander. No matter how much I loved Max, he never made me feel safe that way.

For so long I thought I didn’t need something safe. I thought safe meant boring, that practicality was the enemy of passion. Xander stirred something in me.

I wanted to tell her so many things, but I knew I couldn’t. Eloise would see me and Xander together as a monumental betrayal of her brother. I think she could’ve handled it better if I was dating some random guy, but Xander was different. I knew she felt it too. By being with Xander wasn’t I betraying her as well?

If things kept going under the cloak of secrecy, it wouldn’t be long before everything imploded. Neither Xander nor I were capable of any true deception. Though somehow, I’d managed to hold on to the last vestige of my guilt over Max. I had good reason to.

What Xander and I had was a dream. But the moment he found out what I was capable of, he’d leave. I’d have to face the world without Max and without Xander.

The night before it seemed like a good idea to sleep separately from Xander with Eloise in the apartment. I hadn’t factored in how large a bed can feel when the other side is empty. In the past month I’d gotten used to having him next to me—the weight of his arm around my waist and the warmth of his body against mine. Without him there I couldn’t get comfortable. I didn’t realize how used to having him next to me I was, until he was no longer there.

I sat on the edge of the couch, pulling the balled-up blanket from the basket to shake it out. As I was laying the blanket across my lap to refold it, Xander walked into the living room wearing a pair of basketball shorts. He scratched his bare chest sleepily, his eyes still bleary. I watched him silently as I smoothed the fabric under my fingers. The moment he walked into the room my heart started beating faster and blood rushed to my cheeks.

“Where’s Eloise?” he asked as he grabbed an apple off the breakfast bar.

I focused on making smooth creases on the blanket as I spoke. “She took off, I guess. She was already gone when I woke up. I tried texting but she hasn’t answered me.”

“Good. So, I can do this now.” He walked over and bent down to give me a soft kiss. His lips felt so good against mine. In the hours we spent apart I’d missed him. I wanted so badly to pull him down on me and to feel his skin against mine.

With my mind a flurry of conflicts I pulled away ducking my head. “She didn’t even leave a note.”

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