Page 36 of Reckless Liar

I shook off his hand, the absence of his touch burning. “I have to. I don’t know what this is, I don’t know what is happening here, but I have to go to bed before I do something I regret.”

“You won’t,” He promised.

“Don’t say that. You can’t know that. I don’t want to regret you. I don’t want to regret anything about you Xander.” I struggled to keep my voice level. “So please, let me go. Let me think on this.”

His hands dropped between his legs as he leaned forward, letting my words sink in. I turned to leave, my hand on the wall steadying me. I didn’t trust my footing. Behind me he called out. “Just tell me, here and now. Am I wasting my time waiting for you?”

Facing away from him I froze, trying to figure out the best way to answer his question. I didn’t want to lead him on, but I couldn’t tell him to forget about me. I didn’t want him to leave me. I didn’t want him to be with another woman. But I didn’t want to say that what we were feeling was normal, that it was okay. I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”

I was almost to my door when I heard Xander walk down the hall. I could feel him behind me.

“Ana,” his voice was a whisper.

I thought about staying faced away, as if we were some soap opera. I always thought scenes like that were ridiculous. Why would people talk away from each other? But in that moment, I understood why. I couldn’t turn around and face Xander. I couldn’t face the choice I’d be making if I turned to him. My hand would surely come up around his neck and pull his face down to mine, then his hands would grab my hips and bring me into him. My bedroom door would open, and we’d stumble through, our lips still locked together. Then he’d fall on top of me, and we’d come together.

I felt his hand on my shoulder. His forefinger rested on the side of my throat, and I stilled under his touch. “Ana, wait.”

I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to stop or keep going. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. Slowly his finger brushed against the hollow of my throat, and I let out a small gasp, my body warming under his touch. He didn’t try to turn me around, letting me stay facing away as he bent down. I felt his breath against my hairline; a shiver of anticipation coursed through me. My traitor body reacted as he pressed his lips to the back of my neck. His hands dropped down from my shoulders and glided down my arm and to my hips, holding me steady. My insides felt like liquid, and I felt myself relaxing into his touch. Blood pounded in my head as I felt the long-forgotten tingle between my legs. His kiss against my neck deepened as he held me tighter, his fingers digging into the soft spot of my stomach. His hand covered my hip bones, his thumb rested above the top of my pants, pulling them down enough to touch the bare skin of my back. My head came forward, granting him more space to lean into me. I was a live wire under his embrace. I could feel his whole body behind me, strong and warm. He sucked the skin of my shoulder into his mouth, and I wavered on my feet from the sensation. His teeth dragged across the sensitive skin of my shoulder and shocks ran from my center down my body. Heat pooled between my legs, and I pressed my thighs together.

How easy it would be to move into him, to feel that mouth move from my shoulder to my mouth. To feel that tongue against my own. His strong hands held me steady as my hips moved back into him. I could feel the hard length of him pressing against my ass and I knew then exactly how well we’d fit together.

“I want.” His words a breath on my shoulder.

I stiffened at the words. Want. Yes—I did want him. More than I allowed myself to admit. But what I wanted didn’t matter. I couldn’t allow myself to hurt him the way I had been hurt.

He must have felt the change in me because he pulled his lips away, his grip on my waist lessening. If I was going to turn, now would’ve been the time.

He waited me out as I considered what I wanted to do. Every physical part of me wanted to turn to him, wanted him to touch me more, to give him more. A rousing heat surged through me. In his taction I felt more alive than I’d felt in a long time.

But my mind stopped me. How could I turn to Xander? How could I respond to his embrace with my own when I didn’t know what I wanted from him? When I didn’t respond, frozen in my vacillations, he pulled away slightly. Against my neck I could feel his words, moving through me.

“I don’t want to have regrets either, Ana. If I hadn’t done that, If I hadn’t made it clear just how much I want you, I knew I’d regret it.” He stepped away, leaving me standing in front of my bedroom door. I listened as he got to his room and shut his door before letting out the breath I was holding.

My legs felt weak, my whole body was an inferno. I shook as I made my way across my room and into my bed. An unidentifiable feeling came over me. For so long, Xander had been such a big part of my life, that while I never took the time to consider it, he’d been there for me through everything.

I had no idea how I felt about him, about us. What were we, what did I want us to be? It wasn’t as simple as this wantonness between us. It would’ve been so much simpler if it was. I wished I could have met a man I had no ties with—a man who could be a one-night stand.

The ease of meeting a stranger, having a few drinks. The liquid courage to let my inhibitions down. While I had my share of fantasies about sex, even when I’d be lying in bed, taking the matters into my own hands, the visions I had were no longer of a faceless man. They had taken a shape with blond curls, hazel eyes, and strong hands gripping me. The smile I had known for so long—I couldn’t think of how long he’d been on my mind when I would reach my climax.

I wanted the way I was feeling to be because It’d been so long without the touch of a man. I wanted the pent-up lust to have no face or name.

Yes, I was reacting to his touch, but I had no way of knowing what the root of it was. I didn’t want it to be Xander I was feeling this way about. Because he was Xander, he was my best friend, he was my partner in crime. I couldn’t risk what we had for what could be just my lust. It wasn’t fair to him. He deserved so much more than that.

I wasn’t sure how I was able to finally pull the covers over me, or how I could close my eyes. But as I drifted off, the restless ache of lust continued to stir inside me. Something that I hadn’t felt in years.

Chapter fifteen

“I don't know how that candy bar got into my backpack.” -Eloise, age twelve.

WakingthedayafterXander’s date with Sherie, I wished I hadn’t dreamt at all. I couldn’t remember the specifics, but when I awoke it was with a deep longing in my chest, and a sense that I wanted to be near Xander. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hold on tight. I laid there in bed, looking up at the ceiling and clutching the extra pillow to my side. Everything was supposed to feel better in the morning, but in the cold light of day I felt worse.

The stark realization of what had passed between me and Xander haunted me. We lived together, how could I blur the lines so readily when I knew I was taking a chance that could result in losing my home and my best friend in one fell swoop? While Xander seemed more than willing to push the boundaries of our relationship, I knew one of us needed to be practical.

After mulling my options over for a good chunk of time, I got up. I was no wiser on how to proceed with Xander or even what I wanted to say to him. The apartment was empty. I shouldn’t have been surprised, he kept early hours for work. He was probably halfway through with his workday when I woke. I was relieved I had more alone time to figure out what exactly I was doing.

That night, Xander returned as I was getting ready for the night shift. I was packing up my snacks as he walked in the door. Our eyes met and he paused. I could see the doubt there. I had all day to think about it and I was no closer to figuring out what it was I wanted from him.

“You’re leaving?” he asked, dumping his keys into the little bowl beside the door.

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