Page 59 of Reckless Liar

I slid the book back over to Scarlett. “I wish I could’ve seen that.”

“It was great.” She took a sip of her drink then set it down, fixing her eyes on me. “Now are you sure there’s nothing you want to tell me?”

I hesitated. I’d never lied to Scarlett before. But if I said the words out loud, it’d make what was happening that much more real. How could I talk to Scarlett about Xander? I had no clue what I was doing. “Nothing at all.”

She smiled at me in that knowing way. I think she might suspect what’s going on, but she gave me a pass and didn’t press me further.

Xanderwasn’thomewhenI got back. In the darkness of the empty apartment, I hung my coat and purse in the closet. I could hear the soft buzz of electricity in the walls, the murmur of television in the other apartments.

I wondered what problems my neighbors had. Everyone has secret heartbreaks inside them. I felt like I was a visible wreck, lost between an old friend and the ghost of a lover. I was still alive. I had a future. I still had hopes and could feel. I could lean across a tiny kitchen table and kiss another man.

I found myself on the couch, lying against the pillows and closing my eyes. The coffee I had with Scarlett sent caffeine singing through my veins. My clothes felt too tight, my head was a thundercloud. I rubbed my hands over my arms trying to scratch the rolling tingles on my skin.

I heard the door open and shut. Xander’s boots thudded down on the linoleum. Not moving from my spot, I pictured him as he took off his coat and hung up his keys. Next, he’d pull off his beanie and run a hand through his hair, mussing the curls haphazardly, making them stick up from static in the air. He rounded the corner and halted when he saw me on the couch.

“Why are you sitting in the dark?” He flipped on a lamp, dousing the room in yellow light.

“Thinking.” I stared at the window, trying to make out the lights across the street.

“In the dark?”

I turned toward him. His brow furrowed as he looked down at me. “Yeah, it sort of… happened.” His expression was so full of concern I had to look away. “I came home, and I sat down. I don’t need to turn on a light to think, and it wasn’t that dark when I sat down. Then I guess night came...” I trailed off.

Xander sighed as he sank down next to me on the couch, flinging his arm over the back. His fingers brushed my shoulder, combing through the ends of my hair.

“What’s going on?”

I wanted so badly to look at him and tell him everything I was feeling. I wanted him to know how strong I felt when he looked at me. I wanted him to place his hands on me and never let me go. In the past two years, what had started as clinging together in grief had become a connection more sacred than anything I’d ever felt.

I wanted to tell him how, the entire time I was with Max, I felt like agirl. Part of me will always be that scared little girl sitting on the curb watching the boy she loved walking away from her. The girl standing in the doorway of a house party watching that boy kiss another girl. The girl lying in her parent’s summer cabin, under a scratchy blanket, trying not to cry in pain as she gave herself over to him. Being with Max, I was always going to be that girl.

I realized, I had no compulsion to stay and take care of that boy, because I would never again be that girl.

When I was with Xander, I felt like awoman.The moment Xander told me to make my choice, he gave me back my ability to choose. I was in awe over the trust he placed in me, the way for the first time in my life I felt like I truly had a choice. I felt in charge of my own life. I could walk away from Xander, right that moment. I could pick up and leave Ridgewood forever.

“I was wrong earlier.” I closed my eyes, trying to muster the courage to continue.

Xander turned to face me. “About what?”

“Earlier when I said none of us had a choice. I was wrong. I know that.”

He pursed his lips, not responding. I could tell he wanted to speak but he let me go on, anyway.

“The thing is, it’s so much easier when you can blame someone else for your life turning out a certain way, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I guess so...” he murmured.

“I knew what kind of guy Max was. I may not have admitted it, even to myself. But I always knew, deep down. I knew what I was getting myself into. You know, he tried to talk me out of being with him a few times, when we were younger. It made me so mad.” I laughed at the memory of us in my bedroom, my mother standing outside the door, furious that Max was in my room.

“I knew what I wanted, and I wanted him. I’m not an idiot. I knew exactly what was waiting for me in a relationship with Max. I knew he’d break my heart. I knew he’d hurt me time and time again. I knew. And yet, I chose to love him. I chose to stay.”

“You shouldn’t have,” Xander said.

“Maybe. But the thing is, I did stay. We can go round and round about the how and why of me staying with Max through everything. But in the end, what matters is that I stayed. I’m not the person you have built up in your head.”

Xander leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He scrubbed his hands over his face. “I know who you are, Ana.”

“Do you? I spent so long feeling as if I had no power over myself. As if someone else made my choices for me. I mean, it’s so much easier to be the victim, isn’t it? It’s so much easier to say that he controlled us, controlled what we would become. But I’m just as guilty as Max. There were two of us in that relationship. You can’t act like he took advantage of me. I made mistakes too. I made a lot of mistakes. So many things I should’ve done differently, words I can never take back, or words I never said...” I trailed off. I didn’t want to think about it. I couldn’t go to where my guilt really laid.

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