Page 42 of Reckless Liar

We were sprawled across the floor in front of the TV, watching the end of some World War Two documentary. It was the first time in weeks we both had a free night. When the documentary ended, Xander handed me the remote, letting me pick the next show to watch.

As I flipped through the options, he cleared his throat. “Do you remember that time we were hanging out at Scarlett’s house?” Xander asked, his arm resting against mine. I could feel his warm touch through the fabric of his thermal.

“Senior year. It was spring break.” He paused, his eyes growing wistful.

It was during the brief time Max lived in Idaho, when he’d left me, and I wasn’t sure I’d see him again.

“Yeah, I remember.” I replied. The three of us watched an action movie in her basement. Scarlett stretched across the love seat, leaving Xander and I on each end of the couch. At some point in the movie, our feet rested against each other, but neither of us moved away.

“There was a moment...” he trailed off and I knew what he was talking about. Scarlett had fallen asleep halfway through the movie and when Xander got up to cover her, he grabbed a big blanket for us to share. I watched as he tucked the blanket around Scarlett tenderly.

I asked if he missed being with Scarlett and he laughed, saying that her dumping him was the easiest rejection he’d ever had. I asked him what the worst rejection he’d ever had was, and he got quiet. He sat next to me, his hand on my foot as he gazed at me. “I’m still waiting on that.”

We sat in silence looking at each other, the cacophony of two actors battling it out in a kitchen, a low buzz in the background.

Neither of us moved toward the other, but there was a charge between us. Something drawing me closer to Xander. I don’t know how long we stared at each other, neither of us getting closer than our seated positions, but a palpable longing hung between us. Xander was the first to look away, his eyes settling on the television. He didn’t look back at me the rest of the night.

Looking at Xander all those years later, I couldn’t help but think of that moment when he stared at me from the other end of the couch and how I thought,if he tries to kiss me, I’d kiss him back.

Xander cleared his throat. “I’ve thought about that day a lot.”

I couldn’t look at Xander. I didn’t know what to say, or even how I felt about what he was telling me.

“No matter how much I wanted to kiss you, it wouldn’t have made a difference. Max came back. He couldn’t help himself with you.”

“What does that mean?” I whispered.

Xander glanced over at me and back at the ceiling. “I told him, before prom. I told him that I was going to ask you out. I told him that if he really cared about what was good for you, he’d stay away. That he needed to allow you to move on.”

I rolled over on my stomach to face him. “That wasn’t your choice to make, Alexander.”

“And it was yours?” he smirked at me, but it didn’t feel cruel, more sad than anything. “Anyway, he didn’t take my advice. It probably made him come back sooner to be honest. I think he could handle the idea of you dating some stupid collar-popping friend of your family. But me? No way.”

My forearm lay next to his arm, our bare skin touching. I thought of moving away but I didn’t, instead I leaned a little closer to him. “Isn’t there a guy rule about that?”

“That has nothing to do with it. If the situation was reversed, he’d have swooped in as soon as I left town.”

I wanted to tell Xander that he was wrong, but I knew it wasn’t true. Max knew what he wanted. When he desired something, he went for it. It wasn’t always a good thing. It made him a tragically impulsive partner. There were so many times I had to apologize after Max. But being around someone who had that level of confidence was intoxicating. He never doubted himself, he always acted as if he deserved everything that came to him, and then more. For someone who lived in a perpetual affliction of self-doubt, it was a heady sensation to be in his presence. I fed off his confidence to bring me up.

“No, it wasn’t some morality issue. He couldn’t stand the idea of you thinking of me that way. Because he knew.” Xander turned his head to look at me for what felt like the first time in our conversation. “He knew that I’d be better for you, that I could make you happy. He knew that and it terrified him.”

I shook my head at him, frowning. “That’s an awful thing to say. Max loved me. You act like he didn’t want you to win or something. Like I was the spoils of your war. I wanted to be with Max. I loved Max.”

“Ana, I know you did. I’m not saying you didn’t love him,” he whispered.

“Then what are you saying?” I snapped, annoyed.

He rolled over on his side to face me, propping himself up with his arm. “I’m saying that I told him as much. I told him that I knew I could make you happier. That I cared about you. That if he really loved you, he’d let you find your way back to him. You know what he said to me?”

“What?” my voice low. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear it. I felt like all I had of Max these days were revelations and denouements of the man I thought I knew.

“That it didn’t matter if you would be better with me. That you belonged with him. That you belongedtohim, and he wasn’t going to let me try. He said that if he wanted you, he could have you.”

I thought about his words. They were identical to the ones he’d used the morning he showed up on my porch with a bouquet of lilies.

You belong with me.

We belong to each other.

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