Page 77 of Lost in You

“What is it?”

“Five years.”

Dr. Patrick adjusts in her seat, uncrossing and re-crossing her legs. “Five years isn’t that big of a gap, Hadley. Many people have an age difference larger and make it work.”

“He was seventeen when we dated.” I drop my eyes before I can see the look on her face. I don’t need to know that she doesn’t approve even though she doesn’t know us. I can hear her pen moving across the page, that’s how quiet it is in here. There isn’t the sound of a clock with its tick tock, tick tock to break the silence. Not even a bird outside chirping. Just the sound of writing as she puts down all the questions she’s going to ask.

“How did his parents feel?”

I rub my hands down my pants. They’re sweating and I know she’s going to judge me. I should feel ashamed, but I don’t. I love him. I’ll wait a lifetime to see him again if I have to. “Only his mom knew, but she didn’t approve. No one approved except my friend, Alex, and she still had her reservations. Like I said, we were doomed from the moment we met.”

“When was the last time you spoke with him?”

“That’s just it,” I say, shaking my head. “We got arrested when I went to visit him and my manager made a deal with the police, or whoever, that they wouldn’t charge Ryan with assaulting an officer. In exchange, Ryan signed a no-contact order stating he couldn’t contact me until he turned eighteen.”

“When is that?”

“Six months ago.”

Dr. Patrick sets down her notepad and leans forward slightly. “So what’s keeping you from reaching out to him?”

I readjust and sit more comfortably on her leather couch. I know why doctors use couches: it’s so you can lie down and tell them your woes and feel better about yourself while you’re encased in fine Italian leather.

“I had bought him a phone and turned it off so I wouldn’t be tempted. On his birthday, I'd had enough and needed to hear his voice, but he never answered. He never replied or read my text messages. The message is clear, I just can’t let go.”

“What about going to visit him?”

“He ran away the day after all this happened.” I shake my head, fighting the tears to no avail. I wipe at my cheeks, roughly, needing the pain to feel human. “I don’t know where he is. I lost him because of the people in my life. My manager made him sign that stupid form and I lost him.”

She stands and hands me a tissue. I’m surprised I’m able to smile and thank her.

“Tell me about your manager.”

“He’s my uncle and he’s an idiot. His contract is up soon and I’m really thinking it’s time we part ways. He’s good at his job, but he’s like a spoiled child and does the most unbelievable things when he doesn’t get his way.”

“And Coleman?”

I clear my throat. “I love him, but not the way I love Ryan. When I look at Cole, I see a friend who has been a part of my life, but not my future. I wish I did because being with Cole could be so easy. I know everything about him and can easily fall into a routine with him, not to mention we are in the same field. But he’s not what I want.”

“Here’s what I want you to do. Write down what it is you want and when we meet next week, we’ll talk about the healthiest way to achieve that goal, okay?”

I nod and dab at my eyes.

I breathe in deeply when I’m outside, taking in the sounds of the city and wonder where Ryan is and if he’s happy. I hope that he is. I hope he’s getting everything out of his life that he wanted and making a name for himself.

Chapter 41

Ryan

Graduation.

I can’t believe this day is here. My mom will be there today, in the auditorium, watching me walk across the stage to receive my diploma. I still haven’t spoken to my dad. Mom never brings it up and he doesn’t try. Apparently I meant nothing to him. I think my feelings would be hurt if it weren’t for Mr. Ross.

After Dylan and I broke up, he saw that I was down and started taking me to the gym. Working out has been my salvation. It gives me something to do. I also got my driver’s license. Once I turned eighteen, I didn’t have to take driver’s education and Mr. Ross insisted I learn to drive. I don’t have a car, but Mrs. Ross lets me drive hers when I need to.

I stare at the ceiling, biding my time before I have to get ready for graduation and reflect back on the last ten months. So much has changed since I started my senior year that it’s hard to believe I’m the same person I was at the end of August. No one but Dylan knows about Hadley. We don’t talk about her or what happened or how I made the biggest mistake of the year by even thinking I had a chance with her. I do think that if I hadn’t met Hadley, Dylan and I would’ve never taken our relationship to the next level. A relationship that we haven’t exactly stopped, we just aren’t dating. ‘Friends with benefits’ is what she calls it. She’s had one boyfriend since me, but that didn’t last very long.

I ended up taking Dylan to prom and we had a blast. Our prom was held at a hotel in Jackson. At first Mr. Ross was adamant that we not go, or go and come home. He even offered to pay for a driver, but Mrs. Ross said it was just one night and we were about to move to New York, so what was the big deal. The night of prom, Mr. Ross reminded me that he had a gun and I wasn’t to touch his daughter. If he only knew, I may be dead now.

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