Page 57 of Lost in You

“That’s not why I’m here. You sign this and you’re free to go. No charges will be filed for assaulting an officer and everything goes back to the way it was before you crossed paths with Miss Carter.”

Everything goes back to the way it was.

Everything.

No more Hadley. No more wondering if she’s with someone else. No more beating myself up over why she’s with me. I continue being the nobody that I’ve always been and she continues being everyone’s sweetheart. She continues to live her life while I suffer the heartache of letting myself love her when I knew it was a mistake.

“This is what Hadley wants,” Jessica says as she pushes the paper forward.

I reluctantly scribble my name and set the pen down and count. Ten seconds and the piece of paper is in her briefcase, the pen in her hand and she’s up and out the door without even looking at me.

I get up and follow her out. “Wait,” I yell, but she doesn’t turn around. I see Hadley, she’s there signing something at the counter. “Hadley?”

She turns and looks at me, before turning back and taking keys from the desk clerk. She doesn’t look at me again as she walks toward the door of the police station flanked by Jessica and a man I don’t know. She turns briefly before exiting, but gives me no sign that everything will be okay.

The door slams, sealing her off from me.

Chapter 30

Hadley

Hearing Ryan call my name was almost enough for me to nix this whole deal, but when I looked at him, battered and bruised because of me, I knew I had made the right decision. My heart, though, definitely isn’t agreeing with my head. I can’t close my eyes because when I do, all I see is him. His face, sad and tear-stained is staring back at me asking me why, begging me for an answer. I want to ask the lawyer who’s driving to turn around so I can go back to him and tell him that I’m sorry, that I didn’t mean it, but I can’t. I’m nothing but poison to him. I should’ve known better from the start. Clearly my relationship with Coleman is the prime example of how screwed up everything is when I’m around. He’s nothing, but I couldn’t even keep him happy.

I hand my keys to the lawyer. I’m so bad I don’t even remember his name. I know he told me when he slammed his briefcase down on the table and started ranting about how he’s up at the ass crack of dawn to come save some spoiled brat. I didn’t argue because it’s true. I had no choice but to call Ian. My parents couldn’t get me out of this jam; only he could. When I told him what was going on all he said is that he’d take care of it. I expected him to yell and say ‘I told you so’, but he didn’t. I don’t think he even sighed or said my name. Moments later this guy walks in and my life changes.

He gets out and retrieves my bag from the rental. I refuse to drive the car back to the airport. I’ll pay the fine. I don’t care. I can’t get into that car. Not after everything that happened, and everything that didn’t. He stopped us, not me. I was ready and didn’t care. I wanted him. I needed him. I still do, but I can’t have him. Not now, not ever.

I can’t look at the church either, too many memories. That’s what I see. The two of us standing under the tree with him leaning into me. Holding me as if I’m the most precious thing he’s ever seen. I am to him, at least. To me, I’m nothing but trash. I don’t deserve the decency I’m being afforded right now. These highly paid suits coming in to make everything go away because of who I am. That’s not right. Breaking his heart shouldn’t have been just a simple piece of paper. I should’ve had the guts to walk up to him and tell him I’m leaving. Give him an explanation about why we aren’t going to work and how the age thing is just too much. But I’m a coward. I know he’d say that his birthday is soon and we can hold out. He’s right, I should be able to, but I can’t.

We stop at an area rest stop so I can freshen up. I have no doubt my arrest has hit the social media sites. I guess Ian is at least prepared for it. I found it ironic that the officer who interviewed me is Dylan’s dad. Of course, I only found out after he told me in the interview room how upset I made his daughter when I started dating Ryan. I knew she liked him, but there’s a difference between her and I – Ryan loves me and I love him – I just can’t show it right now.

I’m changed and somewhat cleaned up and back in the car. I’m being dropped at the airport where I’m to catch a flight to New York to see my parents. We're having a family meeting without Ian. He’ll fly in tomorrow sometime with Cole so we can start this tour. I can’t imagine what Ian has told my parents. I don’t really care, because honestly, I think they're going to be disappointed with me regardless. It won’t be so much about Ryan, but about the way I handled myself. I know better and should’ve acted with more maturity and not let my hormones dictate what I did. I could’ve easily waited until he turned eighteen and just come back, but no, I had to have him, keep him like he was some type of souvenir.

After stopping at my apartment to shower and change, I pull into my childhood home. I was hoping Alex would be here, but she’s with her mom. I know if I called and told her what I had done, she’d be waiting, but I can’t do that to her right now. Her mom needs her. The drive to my parent’s house happens in a blur. I can’t stop crying. I want to crawl up into a ball and bury myself under the blanket of misery that I’ve created.

I walk into the house, expecting it to be empty. My dad, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, is sitting on the couch. He’s waiting for me. His hands are folded and resting in his lap and he’s looking out of the window. It’s the way he used to sit each time I’d leave for a date or for a show, always worried.

I set down my keys on the small table just inside the front door. “Is Mom home?” I ask, breaking the silence.

“No, sweetie, it’s just us.” His eyes are kind when he looks at me. He stands, opening his arms. I can’t move fast enough. I collapse into his arms as he holds me tight in his embrace. I don’t care how bad I’ve screwed up; a girl always needs her daddy and I’m so thankful for mine.

He rubs my back, shushing my sobs. “It’s going to be okay.”

I shake my head. “No, it’s not. I messed up so bad, Daddy.”

“Everything will be fine. Come on. I’ll make you some lunch and we’ll talk.” He wraps his arm around my shoulder, guiding us into the kitchen. He pulls out the stool for me, just like he does for my mom, and waits until I’m seated before walking around to the other side. I watch as he looks through the cupboards and refrigerator searching for something to make. I can’t help but smile when he pulls out the makings for tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.

I like watching my dad cook. While I was growing up, he would cook once a week. Mom and I would get pampered and served dinner. He’d set the table with candles and flowers and it didn’t matter what he served, Mom always said it was the best meal she’d ever had. That’s what I see when I look at Ryan – a lifetime of memories waiting to be discovered.

When I close my eyes and think about him, I see him walking around our kitchen, the morning sun shining through the window. He’s in boxers and a white undershirt standing at the stove, cooking. If I let my imagination wander, I see a little girl running and attaching herself to his leg. I stand off to the side and watch. That vision will never happen, especially after what I’ve just done. He’ll never forgive me. I won’t ever forgive myself.

Dad sets a bowl of soup in front of me and a plate of quarter-cut sandwiches in between us. He hasn’t cut my sandwiches since I was ten years old, a time when everything in life was so simple and my one dream was to become a singer. Now my dreams are a pile of nothing because the one person I thought I could share them with, isn’t here and it’s my fault. Even if I apologized I don’t expect him to forgive me. I did the one thing I asked him not to do: I broke his heart. I could see it on his face when he called out my name. It pained me to not smile at him, to hold back from running into his arms.

“Ian called,” he says this in a tone that would suggest Ian calling is an everyday occurrence and it may have been at one time, back when he was trying to sell my brand, but I can’t imagine he keeps my parents up to date on me. That’s my job and recently I’ve been failing.

“I figured.” I take a deep sigh, turn and look at my dad. “I fell in love and made some terribly wrong decisions.”

“You’ve been in love before.”

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