Page 35 of The Archer Brothers

God, what’s with the hard, emotional questions already? Can’t we ease into things? Again, I’m sitting here and don’t want to answer anything. Even with Evan sitting next to me, I’d rather just talk to him and not give her an intrusive insight into our lives.

“I was a wreck. I still wasn’t sure that staying together was the right thing for him, and when it was time for me to meet him at his house so I could go with him, I stayed at home. I sat on my bed and cried. He burst through my door and scooped me up in his arms. He was crying, and I knew I had made a mistake.”

Evan clears his throat and I glance at him. My heart aches for the pain I’m causing again. He holds unshed tears in his eyes all because of me. “I asked if she was having second thoughts and that if she was, to not tell me until I came home. I wouldn’t be able to handle basic knowing that I lost her.”

“What’d you end up doing, Ryley?”

“I went. I cried. I held on until it was time for him to go and waved like a lunatic when the bus pulled away.” I clear my throat. “That night, Lois came over and we watched movies and ate ice cream. She said we were treating my aching heart like a bad test grade. Lois reminded me that Evan was returning home, and when he did he’d be a full-fledged sailor with a uniform.” I laugh now, but back then all I could think about was Evan’s uniform and how the thought of him in one made my heart race.

Still does.

LISTENING TO RYLEY TALKabout how she felt when I was leaving for basic training really does a number on me. I’m that tough guy you read about – the one who doesn’t cry or show emotion no matter what’s happening. You learn to be like this, it’s taught to you. It’s what makes you stand out above the weak. But for the life of me, I can’t keep the tears at bay when Ryley relives the time I was leaving. We hadn’t been together a year, and I fully expected us to stay together. By all accounts, our relationship was backwards. It was me who thought about a future when it should’ve been Ryley. She never begged me to stay, only encouraged me to go.

Breaking up wasn’t an option for me. I had a life planned out for us, and I saw Ryley playing the part as my partner, best friend and my better half. Being at basic training with a girlfriend wasn’t unheard of, but a lot of the guys in my barracks didn’t have one so they didn’t understand that I wasn’t whole, that a part of me was still back at home wishing I was there helping her get ready for her senior year. Knowing Ryley was waiting for me is what pushed me to excel. I wanted to make her proud.

I pull Ryley into my arms and hold her. It’s really just another excuse to touch her, but knowing that I’m comforting her helps me try to make everything okay. I don’t regret enlisting. I regret not questioning my last mission, but there isn’t anything I can about that now.

Ryley pulls herself together and removes herself from my arms. The loss is felt immediately, but is easily rectified when I grasp her hand. Dr. Howard smiles, but quickly turns her head away. I’m certain that she doesn’t want to show any sign of approval on what I’m doing, but I’m certain that’s what her smile means.

“Evan, what was it like being away from Ryley?”

I clear my throat and look Ryley in the eye so she can understand what I’m about to tell her. We’ve never discussed my time at basic. It wasn’t something we needed to talk about when I came home.

“Being away at basic training was easy. I had a goal and was going to achieve it. During the day, thoughts of Ryley were the last thing on my mind. I focused on the task at hand. The classes. The push-ups. The runs. I pushed myself hard to succeed. My recruit division commander knew my dad, so he was hard on me. I welcomed it. When I was alone though, or had some downtime, she was all I thought about. Every thought was a memory from the past year and visions of future memories we were going to create. I’d listen to stories of other guys and see if I could picture Ryley and myself in their situation. Some I could and others, there was no way.”

“Like what, Evan?”

“Like her being pregnant and me being away from her. One of the guys had gotten his girl pregnant. He joined the Navy so that he could provide for his family. That’s an admirable thing to do, but it wouldn’t have been for me. I wouldn’t have been able to stay away.”

“But you left when she was pregnant with EJ,” Dr. Howard points out.

“I may have a double standard here, but if I’m eighteen and my girl is pregnant because I didn’t wear a condom, I’m going to stick around and help her. When Ryley became pregnant with EJ, we were trying for a baby and I was already invested in work. My job is just like yours.” I look at Dr. Howard when I speak. “You go to work and heal people. I go to work and save people. Different job, same result. My office is all over the world. You can’t cancel your appointments whenever you want and neither can I.

“Finding out she was pregnant changed my life. It kicked my ass. I asked her to marry me, which honestly should’ve happened years prior to that. As soon as I was done with basic, I should have proposed and we should’ve gotten married. I was taking her for granted. And that’s something I promise never to do again.”

“You’re very noble, Evan.” If I didn’t know any better, I’d call Dr. Howard a romantic.

“I’m not, Doc. I’m a man in love, and I have been in love with her since I was eighteen. Being gone for six years hasn’t changed how I feel about her, regardless of her wearing another man’s ring.”

Ryley shifts when I mention her ring. I’m counting down the days when she’ll be removing it and putting mine back in its place. It’s where it belongs.

“How do you feel about Ryley and Nate?”

I stiffen and so does Ryley.

“I really don’t want to talk about Nate,” Ryley mumbles. I agree with her. He’s not a topic that I really want to discuss. Dr. Howard rests her hands on her desk and looks at us.

“Hard truths will help you pave the path for the future, whether you guys end up together or not. If Ryley or you, Evan, don’t communicate and get all your feelings out now, this could come back to bite you. You’ve both told me how you feel, but you need to tell each other. I’m gathering that neither of you have openly discussed that part of her life.”

I shake my head slowly while biting the inside of my cheek. I’m not sure there is anything she can tell me that will take away this stabbing pain. Each time I hear about her and Nate, I feel like I’m being gutted and a pack of wolves are feasting on me. I hate thinking that she’s slept with anyone but me. I’m not a possessive man, but right now I feel like I am. I want to go all caveman and pound my chest while speaking broken English and pointing out that she’s mine. She always has been and if I have anything to say or do about it, she will continue to be.

“It’s not like I meant for –”

I pull my hand from her and raise it. “Stop,” I say. Truth is I don’t want to hear any excuses. It’s happened. Neither of them can take it back. Her, I’m willing to forgive. Him, I’m not even willing to try. “Anything you say can’t change the way I’m feeling. I feel like a broken record, defending myself over and over again. I didn’t die. I can’t control what the Navy does to me. I went off to do a job and when I came home, you moved on. To me, it’s like you’ve cheated. I know you were told I was dead, I get that, but it doesn’t and won’t change the way I feel about you or this situation.”

I can’t bear to look at Ryley when I hear her choke on a sob. My heart is racing, beating so fast with the energy I’m feeling that it’s making me agitated. My leg starts to bounce and I have an urgency to release this pent up aggression, but I can’t do it here. Not in front of Ryley. The thoughts I’m having about Nate will scare her. The devastation I want him to feel, the anger and hurt that I want him to live with, don’t even come close to what I’m feeling right now.

“Evan?”

---