Page 30 of Into the Light

“Well I don’t know how it was because you never explain it!”

“I’m sorry, El. I’m just… I’m no good for anyone.”

“You’ve said that but I don’t believe you. It doesn’t make sense.”

“I’m just no good!” I’d never really heard him raise his voice, but I know it was out of frustration toward himself and not toward me, so I let him continue. “I’m… I don’t know, I’m cursed, okay? Everyone who gets too close to me gets hurt. And I’d die if that happened to you. You’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted. The only one I really care about. But if I ruined you, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. So, yeah, my guilt because you’re my best friend’s little sister is real, but it’s way more than that.”

I stared at him, unsure what to say. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream. He wanted me, but he couldn’t have me. He could have me, but he’d ‘destroy’ me, so he didn’t want to risk it. I was torn between pity and anger and love.

He shook his head, a slow reckoning. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

“Did you mean it?”

“Mean what?”

“That I’m the only woman you want?”

“Of course.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you want me? If it’s just because of the thrill of me being off-limits or whatever bullshit, then yes, you should feel bad. But if it’s because you like me for who I am, then that’s nothing to feel guilty for.”

“Of course it’s because of who you are. You’re the most incredible person I’ve ever known.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. My heart hurt from the exquisite pain. The pleasure of finally hearing those words, only to know that it’s all for naught. I didn’t know what else to say, and if he wasn’t going to explain why he was so cursed, then there wasn’t anything more to hear. A tear fell from my eye, sliding down to my cheek. I knew he saw it, because his face looked even more pained.

“I’ve waited my whole life for you. For you to see me, for you to want me.”

“Wanting you was never a question.”

The stabbing pain in my chest splintered off and shot through the rest of my body. I didn’t know love could hurt this badly. I didn’t know I could be a casualty in a war I never agreed to.

“You should probably go, Raf.”

He didn’t move, but he didn’t fight me on it. Just kept looking at me, at my face, as more tears streamed down it, softly. Resigned.

But then I turned away first. I knew I needed to. And a moment later, I heard the door open and close.

He was gone.

I slid down to the floor and let myself cry for this man one more time. They were quiet tears of confused anguish. After a few minutes, I collected myself and counted the till, put the money in the safe, and turned off the lights.

I normally locked the front door from the inside and went out the back door to my apartment door in the alley. But tonight I wanted to wallow in baked goods again, so I went out the front, locking it behind me, and walked down the street toward the Witch’s Brew. It was already dark and Harbor Street was mostly empty.

As I walked, I got the sense that there was someone following me. I didn’t often feel nervous in town. I walked almost everywhere and knew almost everyone. But tonight, it felt different. I stopped to pretend to look into the window of a dress shop, and then casually turned my head back to see if anyone was there.

I didn’t see anyone, but it was hard to tell in the darkness. Normally the street lights were bright, but two of them had recently gone out and hadn’t been replaced yet.

I told myself I was being silly and started walking again. As soon as I reached the Witch’s Brew, I threw the door open and hustled inside.

“Ellie, you look like you’ve seen a ghost! Are you all right?” Sara asked.

The place was empty except for a couple at a table in the back. I walked up to the counter.

“I don’t know, I got a weird feeling. Like someone was watching me. Or following me.”

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