Page 14 of Into the Light

“You know me now, but you don’t know all of me. Trust me, it’s better this way.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Her eyes showed off her pain at my words. And I’d give anything to be able to open up to her. Tell her everything. Let her comfort me. Take my shot, and see if she wanted me even a fraction of the way I wanted her. Visions of me holding her, her arms around me, my lips covering every inch of her skin, floated across my eyes. It was almost painful. Being this close, wanting her so much. And knowing it could never be.

Yeah, I wanted to open myself up to Ellie.

But that would be too selfish. I was no good for her and I had to keep my distance. That’s just how it was. Another fractured piece of my cursed life.

* * *

Later that night, I got home and banged my head against the wall. Or at least, it felt like it. But when I passed by my kitchen table, I saw the gift bag Ellie had given me, tissue paper peaking out, still unopened.

I’d wanted to open it with her, but it just hadn’t happened. And if tonight was any indication, it probably wouldn’t happen any time soon. I needed to keep my distance, I kept reminding myself, like a mantra I repeated over and over again.

I grabbed the bag and went to sit on my own couch, thinking too hard about the whole situation. There was something intimate about being given a gift. Maybe that sounded crazy to other people, but I could never get used to it. Not that it happened often, anyway.

But add on the fact that this was from Ellie, and it made it all too real, too important. Ellie, the only girl I ever loved—holy fuck, I loved her—how had I not realized that before now? My hands shook as I processed the realization, the tissue paper crinkling.

I reached in and found a simple black box with an M on it, the McClintock’s logo. I ran my thumb along the edge, wondering why it was so hard for me to just open the damn thing. Finally, I lifted the box lid off and all the breath wooshed out of my lungs.

A pocket knife sat nestled in silk, the mahogany handle polished and gleaming under the light of my ceiling fan. Inlaid with gold was an anchor, a symbol of my work, my ocean, my life. Ellie knew it. She also knew I’d lost my old favorite pocket knife on the boat during a storm. But what Ellie didn’t know was that my mom had given me that knife when I turned eighteen. She knew I wanted to work on the water one day. She knew I loved it. It killed me that she never got to see me make that dream a reality, and it killed me to lose the knife.

But this one was beautiful. And far too nice for a dirtbag lobsterman like me. I pulled it out of the box and opened it, the steel shining so brightly, I could see my reflection in the blade. It slid open and closed with ease, and the handle was a perfect fit in my hand.

But damn.

The meaning behind it, and the meaning Ellie didn’t even realize it held, meant so much to me. I felt a lump form in my throat and I swallowed it down, not wanting to be overcome with emotion. Missing my mom, the pain from my past—especially made all too real with the visit from Annie—and Ellie’s thoughtfulness… Ellie…

My thoughts came too quickly now, emotions I normally kept in check, kept hidden deep down underneath a calm exterior, bubbled up to the surface. They all washed over me and overwhelmed my senses. Tears I didn’t realize had come were now dripping off my face and onto my jeans as I bowed my head.

I didn’t know how long I sat there like that, rubbing my thumb along the knife handle as I cried for the first time I could remember in over a decade. But as I breathed in deep, I felt a release. Nothing was fixed and nothing was changed—it was all still heavy as hell—but I carried a little less of it.

At some point, I stood up and walked into my bedroom, taking off my clothes and getting under the covers. I set the knife on the nightstand next to me, and picked up my phone. I hit the first speed dial number and waited.

“Hello?”

“Hey El.”

“It’s late.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. I was just reading. What’s up?”

“I just wanted to thank you. I opened your gift.”

“Took you long enough, jeez.” Her light giggle drifted through the phone and soothed me. I saw her radiant smile in my head. “I hope you like it.”

Jesus, she was perfect. “I love it. El, seriously… it means more than you know.”

Rustling sounds came through the speaker. “It’s not a big deal.”

“No, trust me. It is.”

“I just saw it and thought of you.”

There was so much I wanted to say. So much warring inside of me. Knowing that I should stay away from her, but not being able to. I wanted to confess my love. I wanted to tell her about my past. I wanted to go to her and hold her in my arms if she’d let me.

But I couldn’t do any of it. So I just sighed and leaned back against my pillow. She stayed quiet too, as if knowing I just needed to sit with her for a moment.

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