Page 5 of Into the Light

“Ellie, wait!” I tried to follow, but the crowd of people next to me at the bar started shifting and I lost sight of her.

This birthday party was going great.

* * *

More people came and went, mingling and wishing me a happy birthday while drinking their fill of beer and champagne. I socialized as much as I could, but by ten-thirty, I was tired of talking so much. I sat down next to Theo and Sam, nursing a Sam Adams and listening to them complain about the World Series.

I’d seen Ellie throughout the night, but she hadn’t gotten close enough to me to talk to… To apologize for being a dick. But the interaction was just one more sign that I needed to keep my distance from her. Friends or not, every time I was around her, I got close to going off the rails in one way or another. Maybe she was right and I had no reason to be so protective. But I’d be damned if some douchebag frat boy staying at his parents’ vacation home was going to get a free look at her ass.

Ellie’s words got to me, though. Did she think of me as just another older brother? Probably. I’ve tried my best to act like that over the years because there was no way I could speak the truth or show that I wanted her. But part of me, a deep-seated part that I hid under as much nonchalance as I could, hated the idea.

I didn’t want Ellie to look at me like a brother. I wanted her to see me like the man who wants her. For her to give me a shot like she gave to all those douchebags she dated over the years. I wanted her to want me.

But she deserved so much better than me. So much better than those douchebags, too, and I’d always let her know it. But I couldn’t just pretend like I was any better.

As much as I didn’t want to stir the pot, I felt like I had to bring it up so I could apologize and clear the air. Not the fact that I wanted her, but the other stuff. That I shouldn’t be so protective, but I couldn’t help it and maybe she should just appreciate the fact that I’ll always look out for her.

Okay, now that I said it in my head, I realized it wouldn’t go over well. I’d come up with something better.

Not that she was giving me a chance tonight. She’d been avoiding me the entire time and I was ready to call it. I’d hung out with my friends, I’d seen my acquaintances. There was nothing else for me here, and my bed was waiting for me at home.

“Man, you need to get laid.” Theo blurted out.

I coughed as I choked on the beer I’d just taken a sip of.

“Sorry, what? You talking to me?” I asked.

“Yes I’m talking to you, Deniro. You’re sitting here all quiet, looking bored on your own birthday. Why don’t we find a chick for you?”

“Theo, calm down. Not everyone needs to hook up all the time.” Sam chimed in.

“I know that. You know I don’t hook up anymore, but my man here doesn’t have a hippie of his own, so maybe hooking up with someone will help him find one.”

“Nah, I’m good, man.” I smiled, but shook my head. Theo had been the ultimate king of one-night-stands before he got together with Sara. He was known for only wanting to hook up, and making that clear as day beforehand. No one had any expectations of him being something more than a few hours of fun. All that changed when he finally admitted his feelings for Sara.

Once again, a small part of me, one buried away underneath all the logical parts, thought with great optimism that maybe, just maybe, if I admitted my feelings to Ellie—like Theo had done with Sara—then somehow it would all work out. She’d want me too. Sam wouldn’t kick my ass. Somehow I’d redeemed my past and earned the right to someone so perfect. And we’d live happily ever after.

But that was just a stupid daydream. So when the thoughts appeared as I sat there in the Anchorage, I shoved them down deep. None of that could, or would, ever happen.

“Dude, when’s the last time you’ve hooked up? When’s the last time you’ve had any kind of date or situationship or whatever the kids are calling it these days?”

“When did you become one of the town gossips? Why do you even care so much?” Sam laughed, fake-punching Theo in the arm.

“I’m just saying, a man’s gotta get his dick wet sometimes.” Theo pointed at me. “And he’s not. So what gives?”

“Oh, that’s lovely,” Sara said as she appeared at Theo’s side with a glass of champagne in her hand. And awesome, Ellie and Alex appeared right behind her, hearing the whole exchange too.

“Sorry, babe,” Theo said, pulling Sara down onto his lap. “I know it sounds crass. But it’s true.” Theo dug in his heels. “Raf is in the prime of his life.” He turned back to me. “If I was a girl, I’d fuck you.”

“Uh, no. I would definitely not be interested in Theodora, but thanks anyway.”

Everyone laughed, Theo gasping in mock offense. But Ellie just looked around, as if trying not to engage in the conversation. And that confirmed she was still pissed at me.

“I don’t think he has a problem finding women. I think he’s just far more choosy than some people used to be,” Alex said, pointedly at Theo.

“It’s true, I hear girls at the cafe all the time talking about him.” Sara casually mentioned, as if I wasn’t in the room.

“Wait, really? Who?”

---