Page 11 of Into the Light

I sat up straighter, not expecting for her to go for the jugular so soon. But it got it out of the way. I never spoke about my mom and I had started to think that was a problem. Because instead of moving past my grief, I pushed it down, forced the memories away. I looked out at the water again. Took a calming breath.

“Yeah, that was painful. I miss her a lot.”

“Of course, I’m sorry.”

I took my hand out from under hers and used it to lift my glass for another sip. Because I couldn’t talk about it. Especially not with Annie.

“I really am sorry, Raf. For everything. But especially when I heard about your mom. I know she loved you more than anything,” she said, with the kind of look people give when they want to say something consoling but feel awkward about it. I just nodded.

“She did.” I couldn’t admit that my loving mom grew to hate me toward the end. How she couldn’t even look at me after everything that happened.

“How’s everyone else doing?” I didn’t really care, but it was better than talking about Mom.

“Oh, I don’t really keep in touch with the old crowd. Not really.” She looked down at the table and picked at her straw wrapper. “I, um, do see Heath sometimes. He delivers food for Pacini’s Pizza. Sometimes we order it at my office and he’s been the one…” Her voice trailed off.

“Damn. I thought he’d be an engineer by now.”

Annie shrugged, and now it was her eyes that flitted away to watch the harbor.

“He dropped out of MIT not long after everything. But he’s doing better now, from what I see. He had a rough time with it. Got deeper into the drugs for a while. Not just weed and coke, either.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah. I lost touch with him, and then everyone else went their separate ways, too. But he looks healthy now.”

I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t really want to think about any of this. Horror stories from my past—things I’d long since locked away deep inside—swirled through my mind.

“You can’t blame yourself for any of it, Raf.”

I wasn’t surprised Annie said those words, but I didn’t want to hear it. Because she was wrong. I could blame myself, and I did. Every damn day since it all happened.

“Melissa made a choice. It hurt us all.”

“She needed help, and I ignored her.”

“That’s not how it happened, and you know it. Melissa was… She was hurt. She was sick. She made mistakes, and it pushed us away. We all felt the guilt of it. But none of us could have stopped it from happening.Shemade that choice.”

“I could have stopped it, and I chose to not answer her call. I chose to give up on her. That’s on me.”

And it was. We broke up and I abandoned her when she needed me most. It doesn’t matter how it got to that point, it doesn’t matter how tough she made things. I should have picked up the phone. I should have gotten her help long before she shot herself in the temple.

The guilt ate me alive for years, and it still does sometimes. Hearing about Heath’s issues didn’t help. But nothing could be done now. Except make sure it ends with them.

My whole life people around me got hurt. I was like some sort of magnet for shit luck and pain. A curse. Years ago I told myself I’d never let anyone get close to me again. And the first year away from Boston, I’d kept it that way. I stuck to myself, did my work on the water, went home alone to a roof over my head. It was a simple life. It worked.

But through the years, I’d made friendships. I’d gotten close to people again and forgotten my place. Ellie’s face flashed in my mind and I shook my head. I wanted her more than anything in this world. But beyond the fact that her brother would kill me if I touched her, I was clearly no good for her. My past is proof. There was no way I would subject her to my cursed life.

I wouldn’t survive it if something happened to her.

Regret for my past, and my present, consumed me.

Heath ruined his life. Melissa killed herself. My mom was dead. And all of it was my fault.

I couldn’t let it happen again.

five

RAFAEL

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