Page 1 of Dirty Crown
CHAPTER1
I layon the concrete floor of the empty office building several storeys below my Kings. They must think I lost my mind. If they even cared about my mind, that was.
After what they’d seen, I wouldn’t blame them for never wanting to see me again.
I’d gotten my legs under me and made it a few levels lower, but had pushed the door into an empty, unfinished floor like the one we’d used for Maksim’s holding. I hadn’t made it far, though, because I’d fallen against a massive pillar and slid down to where I was now. I was staring out at the darkness beyond the floor to ceiling windows with my face pressed against the cold, rough floor.
I wasn’t crying now, that was an improvement. I despised crying, the way my head filled up with pressure and the way my tears left streams and streaks across my skin. Mostly I hated how stuffed up I was, how I couldn’t catch my breath or draw one in through my nostrils.
I was calm now. Well, not really calm but more like numb. I had locked all those feelings away again and I was able to be still and unfeeling even though the horror of what had just happened still enveloped my senses like inky black suffocating self-loathing.
It was the sheer terror I felt that had crippled me and left my emotions broken and non reactive. The terror that my Kings would find me just to express their absolute disgust at the things I’d done. That they would feel betrayed by my actions and they would hate me for them.
I couldn’t face them.
I knew I’d been a coward before, especially when Maksim had broken me down, but now I was a fool on top of it. I should have gone to them first and confessed everything. I should have told them what I’d done and let them make their judgement in private, away from Avery and Maksim. If they had chosen to break it off, then I could have retained some of my dignity and gone back to handle this whole Ivan and Amara recovery on my own.
Now, if they dumped me, then it would be in front of everyone. I would be exposed, flayed and vulnerable with no way to deny what had happened.
Avery would mock me.
Maksim would come after me and there was be no reason for me not to go through with the wedding. I would be forced into a life of misery, all because I hadn’t fought harder when he forced himself on me, and forced Avery to do those things to me.
I could still feel the way the gun felt pressed into my skin. My temple, under my jaw and into my neck, and my...
I couldn’t even think about the other place he’d shoved the gone or I would dissolve into a mess of tears and snot again. My life was falling apart around me and I didn’t know where to start to fix it. It felt like one thread had been pulled and now everything was unraveling. I couldn’t escape the emotions I’d hidden for so long, and I couldn’t pretend everything was okay when things hadn’t been okay in the past. Trauma was a heavy burden to carry, and the longer you left it on your shoulders, the heavier it got until you stumbled once and the weight of it crushed you to the ground.
I sighed and a groan unintentionally left my mouth. My lungs were full of air, and I let the rest out so I could make it louder.
It echoed in the large space and I pushed myself off the floor. The cold had leeched into my flesh and was threatening to hit my bones if I didn’t change my position.
“Fuck,” I said and enjoyed the clapping echo of the word. “Fuck!” I repeated it louder, letting it dance all around me on sound waves.
I finally stood slowly, stretched my legs and walked to the window.
I was lower now, halfway down the building, and just barely over the lights of the city. They were still beautiful and still spread out ahead of me. If I hadn’t just had my heard shattered, I could let myself enjoy this moment. The peace of it, the solitude as I sorted through my possible life choices. They were laid out before me like the lights of the city, close but not so distant that I couldn’t touch them if I wanted.
I looked down at the street and saw headlights as a few cars wound through the maze like roads and I thought about what I had to do.
I had to prepare myself for the inevitable. The moment I saw it on the Kings’ faces. The desire to leave me, to push me away and never see my disgusting, unfaithful, incestuous self again.
I took another deep breath and pressed the palms of my hands onto the window. I enjoyed the cool glass for a moment before turning and heading toward the stairwell once more.
I opened the door and half expected to hear them calling for me, but there was nothing. Disappointment raced through me like shock and I knew they hated me then. I knew they wanted nothing to do with me.
So I wouldn’t face the facts just yet. I couldn’t.
I would sneak down to the street level and find myself somewhere to go. Somewhere far from the pressures of being hated by the men I loved. Far from the expectation of keeping my father and Amara alive and rescuing them. Far from giving everything up just to juggle the pressures of family, boyfriends, and my future.
I took my phone out and turned it off. I popped open the side of it, pulled out the SIM card and threw it on the floor. I cursed it under my heel and slipped the phone back into my pocket. Once I was a few blocks away, I would look for a throw away, something nobody could trace me with. Something I could call my own.
I felt relieved and insane. I couldn’t tell if I was relieved or having a breakdown.
And I no longer cared.
* * *
One partof my big plan that I hadn’t though through was the simple fact that I spoke no Czech. Not a single fucking word of it. I wasn’t in a tourist area, either, where they would cater to North Americans and all speak English. I had to be in the kind of place only locals would know about or visit, either for work or entertainment.
