Page 30 of Our Offseason

I ponder how to ask someone about his absence all day.

By dinnertime, I bite the bullet and ask my dad.

He doesn’t even look up from his meal. “He left for juniors, honey. He’s skating out in South Dakota this year. He went early because…”

I don’t hear another word he says…

Because with those first two sentences, the bottom of my world falls through.

It feels like I just took a punch to the stomach.

Because how could I be so stupid?

I was planning everything in my head around him… And the whole time, he was planning on leaving.

And I wasn’t even worthy of a goodbye?

His absence in my world is like a huge hole.

Life just isn’t the same.

There’s no little thrill in my chest when I see him at school or the rink.

There’s no one to compete against.

There’s no one to look at when something’s funny.

There’s just loneliness.

And it’s suffocating.

I suddenly need to leave. I need to change. I cannot be here and be the same anymore.

So, I do change.

10.Duke

I tossed and turned all night… well, as much as I could while trying to keep my fucked-up foot flat on the bed.

I just couldn’t seem to shut off my thoughts. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was that hurt look on Claire’s face, and it gutted me.

God. I couldn’t stand that I hurt her. I hated myself for it. I wanted to make it up to her. I wanted to show her that I did care about her, and she was important to me. But I couldn’t fully do that…

While I wanted to grab her up and kiss her deeply and never let go… Deep down, I knew that would only be leading her on. I would still never enter a serious relationship, and with her, it would be impossible to break it off after only three weeks.

I did not possess the kind of willpower that would take…

In the dark, I bit my lip and shook my head. I had no business flirting with her like I had after yoga class either.

I couldn’t go there with her.

But I also couldn’t stay away from her.

I knew my eyes would go straight to hers in every room I ever saw her in.

So, Friendship.

That would have to be the answer. I could give her that. But only if she accepted it.

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