Page 49 of Lord Tristram's Love Match

“If you think you can make me foresworn, you are mistaken. I always keep vows. You burnt this one, I’ll have another made,” he said in a voice which was utterly cold.

Judith held herself straight, staring at him without flinching.

“I do not care at all for the vow you must have made in front of men who mean nothing to me,” she said laying emphasis on every word she uttered. “God is wise, and does not wish for people to suffer unjustly. The penance is unjust, and it stops now. If there’s someone who deserves a penance for what happened between us, I am the one. I take it fully upon myself. And it’s only upon you to bestow it on me.”

“I will chastise you for this. But then I’ll keep my vow,” Tristram said in the same cold voice.

“Fine. And I will burn the next penance shirt you mean to wear. And then the next,” Judith said with a shrug. “Chastise me all you wish!”

“You’re saying so now, but we shall see,” he countered.

“If you are looking for the birch, it still lies in the corner where you last tossed it,” Judith told him, feeling light-hearted and unconcerned.

She would bear his anger and whatever punishment he resolved she deserved for having doubted his love. Yet she would never bear that he should suffer for her sake ever again. Still, there were things which needed to be said before she accepted her punishment.

“Before you chastise me,I need to say true words it’s best to utter before the punishment,” Judith said and her voice sounded firm and self-assured.

Tristram tried to still his laboured breathing, understanding Judith now meant to stir his anger. He clenched his fists, knowing too well the next words his wife would utter would still be words of sheer defiance. However, it was not words of defiance that Judith spoke to him now.

“I beg forgiveness. And I’m not doing so in order to escape your punishment. In fact, I welcome whatever you wish to bestow upon me.”

She bowed her head humbly, and although Tristram had kept telling himself he would rejoice in seeing Judith truly humbled, it made him uneasy to think he was the one who’d brought her to this state. She kept her eyes downcast for a long while, her body still, her hands clasped and her head still lowered in humility in front of him.

“Look at me, wife!” he ended up telling her artlessly, not knowing what else to say.

He would always love her. And no matter how hard he’d tried to tell himself he no longer cared for her, the truth was different. She would always have his heart, however little she actually cared for him – that was a thing not even God above could change.

“Forgive me, husband!” Judith now entreated him, and her melodious voice sounded so heart-breaking that Tristram simply wanted to weep.

He’d fancied hearing the words so many times before, because he’d been so angry with her for how she’d behaved. Yet once she’d spoken the words, he found he was the one who was supposed to ask for her forgiveness. He’d been harsh to her and ungentle. Through his disdain, he’d sought to punish her for spurning his love, but she was not to blame for not loving him. He was the one to blame for loving her and for clinging so stubbornly to that love.

“Hush,” he muttered. “These are not words I wish to hear from your lips.”

“I see. It’s different words you want to hear, and I know now what they are. I should have spoken them sooner. Far sooner than this! I love you.”

He turned his gaze away from her, hating the way his heart started to thump like mad when she uttered the words he’d always craved to hear. And then he stared at her, unable to look away. The way she’d spoken the words in the voice he would never have enough of hearing… they rang true. Did they ring true only because he wished them to be true?

“I love you,” Judith repeated in a steady voice. “For so long I believed myself unworthy of your love. So I made myself unworthy of it. And this is how I behaved. I doubted you. I was afraid to tell you of my love, and I was too blind to see what plainly lay in front of me. But if you think I can make myself worthy of your love again, then I…”

Tristram closed the distance between them in two quick strides. He took his wife in his arms and kissed her passionately. And he spoke against her lips urgently.

“You’re never to say such things again!”

“What? You do not ever want me to say I love you?” Judith muttered as she languidly pressed herself against him.

He gave a rueful laugh.

“Nay! Not that. That you can tell me as often as you wish. Those other things you said... It is I who need to beg your forgiveness. I truly thought you didn’t love me at all. I was so angry over it. And harsh. And ungentle…”

Judith shook her head, and her hand came to cup his cheek.

“Harsh perhaps, but never ungentle,” she said, bestowing an ardent kiss upon his lips.

Their loving afterwards was very sweet, and Tristram found himself recalling all those times he’d spanked her hard. He had been ungentle to Judith, no matter what she said. At the time, he’d told himself the spankings meant to ensure her obedience were the only way to make his cousin and those around them believe his wife had been well and duly chastened. Still, he had revelled in those punishments. It was a thing he needed to confess to her.

“Iwasungentle. I spanked you hard and made you sob in pain. And I rejoiced in it,” he told her, knowing they would have to be entirely truthful to one another. “I took pleasure in all those times I chastened you.”

Yet, as he said that, he couldn’t help but recall Judith’s own soaking quim after the punishments, and the sounds of rapture which had been mingled with sobs and tears. As if in echo of his thoughts, Judith now muttered, “AndIalso took pleasure in those…”

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