Page 95 of A Manny for Christmas

‘It’s not just that,’ he says. ‘Believe me, I’m pretty fucking terrified at the prospect of doing any of this, and I’m doubting myself. But the main reason I want to make a go of it with you guys is… they’re worth it. Honestly, Mol. They’re such fantastic little kids. I want to do it, and I’m as surprised by that particular revelation as you are.

‘I want to be a part of Toby and Daisy’s lives, and play whatever part I can in steering them through life and being there when they need an adult who isn’t their mum, because they’re worth it.’ He shakes his head as if he’s bewildered by his own admission.

‘Do you hear me? They bring me so much joy. Not joy—purpose, I suppose. Those two are so fucking special that they’re worth every ounce of heartache I may have to suffer. Just like their mother.’

34

MAX

The light has gone from the sky, and this beautiful room is lit just by the flames in the wood-burner, the dainty white lights on the tree and a smattering of candles.

I reach forward and pop one final chocolate in my mouth. I hope my poor, swollen stomach can make room for it, somehow.

This afternoon is proving to be exactly what we needed. What I hoped for when I booked it. We’ve just polished off a massive spread from the comfort of the large white sofa. The remnants of our food-fest adorn the huge coffee table: chicken and leek pie, mashed potato, wilted greens, and several puddings, none of which were necessary and all of which were delicious. I’m biased—Molly’s team made most of them—but fuck me, the perfectly moist apple cake and ice cream hit the spot particularly well.

Sex.

Sleep.

Food.

We’re hitting that bathtub next, and we won’t emerge till we’re basically prune-like.

But despite the above, the single most important thing we’ve done this afternoon is talk.

Really talk.

Talk about the most important issues there are, like how we feel about each other, and what we want for our futures, and whether she’ll trust me enough to let me step up and be there for her and Toby and Daisy.

I’ve had some serious explaining to do, because what I’m proposing goes so far against everything I’ve ever told Mol. From where she’s standing, I’ve done a complete one-eighty, and it’s come out of nowhere. And of course, a large part of my shift comes from Toby and Daisy being a reality in her life. They are her family, and I’m not.

I gave that privilege up, long ago.

But seeing her with them, these past few weeks, has been a homecoming of sorts for me.

To the UK.

To the woman who holds pride of place in my heart.

To a family unit I didn’t know I wanted until it was served up to me on a fucking silver platter.

I could kick myself. I have been kicking myself multiple times these past weeks. It’s as if she was right all along, as if she knew how good it could be, how right. She painted me a picture, a million times over, of how our lives could be if we created a family together, and I couldn’t fucking see it. I didn’t have her vision.

She was right all along.

What a vision it is.

So, what’s evolved for me since I’ve inflicted myself on Molly and Daisy and Toby really has been an epiphany of the heart, not of the brain. I’ve fallen in love with Molly’s vision for her life made reality, and if I walk away from the three of them, I know I’ll leave a piece of my heart, ofmyself, with them.

Fuck, that sounds so naff. But it’s true.

It’s also true that she’s done the hard work to date, and I can’t help but feel like I’m waltzing in and enjoying the fruits of her labour. But that stops here.

If she gives me a chance to prove myself, I’ll do it a thousand times over. I want this challenge. Need it. I want to be the man in their lives when Daisy gets dumped—I will go fuckingnuclearwhen she dates, but that’s not the point. Or when Toby needs a role model who doesn’t advocate fucking off and abandoning the most important people in his life.

As far as I can tell, we’ve reached a cautiously optimistic agreement. While we won’t be saying anything to the kids yet about our relationship status, I’m essentially on probation.

Stepfather probation.

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