Page 107 of My Secret Bandit

Would he be a total fucking mess like I was?

God, what if he fell?

The questions stirred up more sobs, and I lost myself in tears until Xander came back outside with a pained expression covering his face.

He opened the car door and squatted next to me. He ran his hands through his hair and let out a sigh, “You want me to take you home?” Tears tracked down as I looked up at the house that was supposed to be my home now. He lifted his hand to wipe the tears from my cheeks.

I shook my head against his palm. I wanted to leave, but I knew Mateo needed someone with him too.

“What if we call Sierra?” he asked, and I handed him my phone.

He walked closer to the house as he talked, and a few minutes later he returned.

“She’s on her way.” He was quiet for another minute before he lifted his eyes from the ground and looked at me. “You know he didn’t mean it, right? That he’s sorry, and he loves you. I don’t want to make excuses for him, but this version we’ve seen, it’s not him. Between the pain and the pills and resentment, he’s not himself. You’ve spent the most time with him since he got hurt, so you know that better than any of us.” He shook his head, unsure of what to say next.

A sadness played across his face that mixed with disappointment and anger.

Excuse or not, it was the only thing that made sense. In my heart I knew that, but that didn’t mean Mateo’s words hurt any less or left any shallower of a scar.

“What’s he doing? Is he okay?” I asked.

“Last I checked, he was punching a hole in the wall.Fuck.I should probably go check on him. Will you be okay?“ He took off for the house after giving him the go ahead.

Ten minutes of waiting, I decided I couldn’t wait anymore. Even the outside of the house caused a blazing pain to run through me. I needed to leave, even if it meant passing Sierra along the road between here and my house. I checked my pocket for my keys only to come up with nothing.

Shit.

I laid them on the table by the front door when I walked in. I left the comfort of Xander’s car and headed that way. Taking a deep breath, I reached a trembling hand for the handle.

Nope. Can’t do it. I’ll wait my miserable ass right here before going in there again.

But then again. If I’m not staying here, I’ll need clothes and my laptop.

With a deep, unsteady breath, I opened the door.

The men went silent at the sight of me. I didn’t have the strength to look at them. I spent all that energy just getting the door open. I climbed the stairs and entered the closet. With clothes and my work supplies stuffed into a couple of bags, I made my way back down.

My eyes found the fist-sized hole in the wall at the base of the stairs. Water streaked down and pooled onto the floor with shards of glass and pieces of drywall. The hollow space of the hole matched the hollow space in my chest.

I used every ounce of conviction left in me not to drop on the last step and cry some more.

“Jamie, don’t,” Xander called out softly when I stopped in the foyer and removed Mateo’s key from my keychain, laying it on the table.

I stepped through the front door without ever glancing at the one person I needed to make this all better.

Mindful enough to know sobbing shouldn’t be mixed with driving, I retreated, walking down the driveway toward the street.

Like a fresh breath of blonde hair shining through the windshield, Sierra pulled up. She didn’t even have the car fully stopped before I opened the door and got in.

“That bad, huh?” She smiled sadly at me. When I said nothing, she grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “It’s okay, my love.”

Sierra stayed with me that night and the following three nights after that. I told her what happened at the game, why everyone was fighting, what Mateo said at the house, and she held me when I broke down randomly throughout the day.

I went back to the office only for Jeffrey to tell me to leave again after giving me a hug that seemed to last forever. “One more day,” he said. “Take one more day. Cry your eyes out then come back ready to work.”

When I got home, Xander sat on the steps of my front porch. I welcomed him with a hug and opened the door so he could go inside.

“You look good.”

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