Page 71 of Dare To Free Us

“Matteo, what I’m about to tell you, you are not going to want to hear. Since I’m not there in person to punch you in the face,” Luca trailed off.

I chuckled at the memory of putting Luca in his place during a similar situation, by ramming my fist into his jaw. “Just give it to me straight.” My mother certainly had, and she wasn’t the cold blooded bastard Luca had once been.

“Arianna is right. Your mother is right. And you fucked up big time. Not that you should have packed up and left that night but you should have at least tried to see things Arianna’s way. Because it’s the truth. Your reaction tells me you knew that. I know you felt betrayed when she said those things and even more so when she tried to run. But I also know what it cost her to do it. It destroys a piece of your soul that will never come back. Trust me. I know.” I knew Luca did, I saw it in his eyes when I caught him betraying me.

“No matter what, your kids will suffer because of who you are. You may have been born into the mafia Matteo, but now you are going have to choose between everything you know and everything you could be. I didn’t think there was a difference until I met Becka. And I think you are just realizing that now. We are capable of something more, somethingreal,that goes far beyond the possession of power and money.”

“Fuck, brother, that’s deep.” When did Luca become Gandhi or some shit?

“Arianna still loves you, even after what you did to try and break her down, I have no doubt. But now, if you stay in this life there will always be a distance between you. Just like there was with Becka and I before we got out. The question that you have to ask yourself, because no one can answer it for you is; can you live the rest of your life like this?”

Scrubbing a hand down my face I knew the answer in a heartbeat. I couldn’t live without all of Arianna. To have her always at arms length because she wanted one thing and our world demanded another, made me want to vomit. Roar. Hit something. Or just plain rip out my heart with my bare hand.

“I miss you, brother,” I breathed. Fuck I wished he was there with me rather than on the phone. To be able to put me straight before I let things get so messed up. Luca wouldn’t have hesitated to set me right when I stayed at the penthouse.

“I miss you too, man. I have to go. It’s not safe to talk too long. Goodbye, brother.”

“Yeah. Until next time, brother.”

“Matteo. If you needanything, I’m here.” I got the underlying meaning in his voice. Luca would be there if I needed him to help get us out.

But I wasn’t even sure if that was possible yet.

Setting the phone down I sat in the dark, feeling it’s presence inside me more than around me. It felt like I’d entered an alternate universe or woken up from a dream. Or would it be a nightmare? Fuck, I didn’t know anymore.

All I knew was that Arianna was upstairs probably crying herself into hysteria. Arianna wasn’t one for grand gestures but I needed more than walking up there and saying I’m sorry.

Elbows on the desk, head in my hands, I prayed for a miracle.

16

ARIANNA

Hiccuping sobs caused my chest to rise and fall in shaky waves as the cuffs fell from my wrists. Gripping the cold metal and the key I threw them to the floor, never wanting to see them again.

What happened between us was not any sort of wild love making. Those cuffs now represented Matteo and I being shattered in a way that made my soul scream in agony.

My hair fell around my face as I bent my head down to rest it on my chest, crying big, ugly sobs that turned my hiccups into all out hyperventilating. The remnants of Matteo felt sticky between my thighs, my insides still sensitive from the rough sex.

Pulling the sheets up my chest I never felt so used, enough to make me question if I should have told him no, but knew I never would have. Even in his anger I wanted him. As I told him, I would always want him.

But I wasn’t prepared for how it would leave me. Empty. Hollowed out in a way that left me cold and bare to all the elements of the situation.

You fucking broke my heart. Matteo’s words spilt my heart in two.

It was my fault.I did this to us.Maybe I shouldn’t have been so hasty to leave? Maybe I should have tried to talk to him again? But how? The look in his eyes that night in the studio was evidence enough that he wouldn’t have listened, and to prove that point he had stayed away.

Matteo didn’t give me much of a choice, and at that point it didn’t matter. I made a decision and was now living with the consequences.

Rubbing a hand across my belly I whispered, “I’m so sorry little one.”

Not only had I failed to even get out of the city— pathetic— but now everything with Matteo was fucked up even more. How were we supposed to move on from this? Matteo would never trust me again and I couldn’t blame him. He said I— or we— weren't going anywhere. Did he plan to keep me locked up?

What about our future? A relationship similar to Lorenzo and Maria assaulted my vision. Is that what I brought down on us?

My head snapped up at the sound of a roar so full of anger it caused me to flinch. It beat against the doors of the bedroom like its purpose was to shatter them and the last bit of my resolve.Matteo. The sound faded but the pain of it settled deep in my bones.Oh God, what have I done?

Falling to my side I cried harder. Black surrounded me as I descended into a place full of snarling beasts wanting to tear me apart. Curling my arms around my stomach I did my best to convey the guilt I felt to my unborn child. Not for the trying, but for the failing and what it cost us both.

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