Page 42 of Moon Shot

The train ride home felt longer than usual, but maybe it was Rowan and Diego’s faces in an advertisement that made it feel that way. Staring at the fake, tiny Rowan was easier to do than confront the real one. I could stare at his smile without butterflies blinding me, and I could look at his hair without the temptation to grab it in my fist and finish the kiss we started in my apartment.

Part of me hoped everyone would forget about our relationship so I could find the next cutest guy and release some of this Rowan-sustained tension. I would’ve done almost anything to have someone just lift me against a wall or lie on top of me, but my body didn’t want just anyone. I wanted Rowan. Pretending anyone could fill that void made me feel slimy and guilty.

When the train stopped, I jerked forward and almost tumbled onto the elderly woman sitting next to me. I hoped she would’ve understood my steamy daydream about Rowan, and maybe she had her own considering how she was also staring at the poster of his perfect face.

A steady autumn rain puddled the sidewalks and splashed me as I ran from the train stop to my building two blocks away. I hated Halloween and running through downtown in a dress and heels while cheerful people walked everywhere in the rain made my night worse.

I told myself not to be so damn negative, and it worked a little. It also helped that I wore all black and called it a costume.

Ethan and Aubrey’s door was open, the sound of their Halloween party blasting into the hallway. Guests gathered in the foyer, the kitchen, and everywhere else I looked. Everyone was laughing, drinking, or talking to someone else. I was happy to be somewhere and not the center of attention or attached to the center of attention.

Ezra was crossing the room when he saw me, rushing over with a humongous hug. I hoped Heather didn’t mind that I couldn’t let go.

“Mer?” He asked, leaning back and trying to lift my face. “Are you crying?” Was I? I hadn’t noticed.

“Hey,” Ezra hushed me, “come here.” He guided us through party guests and down the hall into Ethan and Aubrey’s bedroom. Closing the door behind us, Ezra and I walked onto their balcony overlooking downtown. He pulled out one of their bistro chairs for me to sit in while settling into the other, eyeing me with concern plastered across his face.

“I don’t know what’s going on with me,” I confessed. “I just wanted to see you guys and be here…”

“Need me to run and get you chocolate? I bet Aubrey has some ice cream in the freezer. Wine?” God, I loved him.

“Remind me to tell Heather to keep you forever, Ez.” I smiled at him, getting his bashful shrug in return. I wanted to confess to him everything about Rowan, but then I had to think about why I was making a fool of myself with these feelings. It started when Ezra hugged me and I just felt so safe for a minute. But I couldn’t tell him it wasn’t true. Rowan was his best friend.

“I’m glad it’s not raining for a change,” Ezra distracted me. “We can sit out here all night. Ethan’s mom is in town and I’m trying to stockpile happiness to distract me when she presses her wedding ideas on me. You’re next, you know. She’s already talking about group discounts.” Ezra laughed so hard he almost cried, turning to me as he caught his breath. “Is that why you’re upset? If it’s Rowan, tell me so I can kill him,” he read my mind.

“Yeah.” It wasn’t a lie. “I can’t believe it’s November already.” That wasn’t a lie either.

“Things are getting pretty serious with you two. Aren’t they?”

“No,” I admitted, being as honest as I could. “I’m feeling better just being out here with you, Ezra. Thank you. I almost lost my job, and that’s been weighing on me, and I guess…” I glanced at him, his eyes hopeful and earnest. “It’s hard.”

“What are you doing out here? The party’s inside,” Ethan told us from the doorway. “I’m telling Row to get more beer. You guys want anything else? Perhaps a door that locks, Ez?”

Ethan leaned against the balcony door frame, giving Ezra a hard time. When Ethan had his list from us, he left the balcony and went inside.

“He’s coming?” My throat tightened.

“Yeah.” Ezra furrowed his brows, shifting to move from beneath Heather. “He didn’t tell you?”

I nodded, lying. Blinking a few times to clear my head, I stood up and looked over the balcony. It was raining again, typical for the fall in Portland, and I shivered with the chill.

Heather went inside shortly after Ethan, leaving Ezra and I outside. He was sitting back in his chair with his eyes closed, mumbling something about the kitten and Rowan’s cat, when I saw the bedroom door open inside. Aubrey was waving for us to come in, her cheetah costume tricky to see in the dark.

“We’re being beckoned,” I told Ezra, nudging him in the shoulder as I passed by. Aubrey was waving her tail when we went inside, locking the balcony door behind us.

“You’re not in a costume!” She whined, hugging me.

“I’m a black crayon.”

Ezra snickered behind me as I followed Aubrey out of her room and back into the party. “Black crayon,” he laughed, patting my shoulders as we fell into the crowd of guests.

“Did you see I let Heather borrow my costume?” Aubrey linked arms with me. I was still annoyed that she sent Rowan the pro and con list. But if she hadn’t done that, would he have kissed me and meant it?

“You need to clean out your closet. That thing’s almost ten years old.” I started walking into the kitchen with her attached to me, too thirsty to talk.

“It came in handy!”

“Aubrey,” I turned to her, “let it go.”

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