Page 58 of Breaking Free

Taking Knox to the appointment today didn’t seem to make a difference. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard her blatantly argue with another adult like she did with the doctor, and she didn’t say much on the ride back home.

It’s a beautiful day. The air is cold, and I wish I had brought a jacket. Still, the sky is blue, and I love the way the sea smells in late fall. I step onto the boat, not intending to go anywhere. I just want to sit here and cry, nestled in one of the seats. I want to talk to J.R., too, so I pull out my phone and dial his number.

“Hey, Rach,” J.R. answers. It’s noisy in the background, wherever he is, and I’m sure I’ve called him at the wrong time.

“Can you talk for a few minutes?” I ask him. I try to hide the fact I’m crying.

“Rachel, what’s wrong?” His tone is serious, and he knows I’m crying. “Hold on. Let me get somewhere quiet.”

I can’t hide anything from him. I’m not sure why I still try.

I wait. I hear the background noise begin to disappear and a slight rustling noise. I imagine he’s holding his phone against his chest, the fabric of his shirt rubbing against the speaker. His breathing grows a little heavier, too, and I’m sure he’s running down a long hallway to get somewhere quiet. I’m not even sure where he is today. Dallas, maybe?

“Rach, what’s wrong? Is the baby okay?” He finally comes back.

“The baby is fine, J.R.,” I say softly. “I’m just…I’m not having a good day.”

“Is it Knox?” He sounds relieved that the baby is okay, but he’s careful not to downgrade the situation.

“She argued with the doctor today on the validity of the baby. He even let her listen to the baby’s heartbeat, and she argued that it was even a heartbeat.” My head aches just retelling it. “She’s…she’s not happy. I tried, J.R. I tried to talk to her.”

“I’m sorry, Rach,” he says with a sigh. “I wish I were there. I’m sorry.”

I imagine he’s running his hands through his hair, and I think he’s probably also wondering what in the world he can do about my bad day hundreds of miles away.

“She’s angry with me, J.R. About our past. How I kept you two apart.” I cry softly. “I wish I had made better choices.”

“Don’t go back there,” he says to me. “We just got out of there. Don’t go back.”

“I know,” I whisper.

We’re quiet for a moment, and then J.R. speaks again. “I miss you.”

I laugh softly between my tears at his not-so-subtle change of subject. “I miss you.”

“It’s going to be okay. All of it.”

I sigh. “I hope so.”

“It will be.” I hear hesitancy in his voice as he says, “I have to go, Rach. I’ve got a sound check. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I just needed to hear you. Have fun.” For the first time ever, I wish I was far away from here with J.R. and the Band, having fun, too.

“I love you, Rach.”

I hang up, and I stare out ahead of me into the sea. The breeze dries the tears from my face, and I fold my arms across my chest to keep warm. I think about Knox. We’ve always had a great relationship. It was something I worked hard at because of the relationship with my own mother. Of course, we haven’t been perfect. We’ve had our arguments, but I can’t recall a time when she stayed this angry with me. This new attitude that she’s adopted has caught me completely off guard, and I think that I’m just not sure what to do with it.

Maybe I get it. Maybe I don’t blame her for being upset with me. It doesn’t make it any easier, though. I want to feel happy about this baby, but I’m not. I can’t. Not with Knox feeling the way she does. Maybe J.R. and Kelley are right. Maybe she will get over it. Eventually.

***

It’s almost Thanksgiving, and I can hardly believe it. I haven’t made any plans for Knox and me, but I think that I should. With J.R. gone and Kelley visiting her own family, I’m at a loss of what to do. I’m not a great cook, and it wouldn’t make sense to make a traditional Thanksgiving meal for Knox and me to share. There would be so many leftovers, we would eat on it for weeks. Kelley invited us to have Thanksgiving with her family and Adam, but I declined. I feel like I’ve mooched off Kelley and her parents for far too long. I don’t want to crash another holiday dinner. Besides, I really don’t want to spend Thanksgiving with my boss. He wasn’t fond of the opinion piece I submitted on why the world won’t end on December 21, and I’m quite sure the only reason he didn’t let me go was because of Kelley.

Knox still isn’t talking to me much, and I even find myself avoiding her. This is not a healthy relationship, and I know I should try to talk to my daughter, but what do you say to a child who is this angry over a new sibling? I know J.R. said that she would snap out of it eventually, but it’s been weeks now, and I don’t see an end.

Maybe I should take her to a therapist. Maybe she needs someone who can help her through her thoughts. Someone who isn’t me. She doesn’t care much for what I have to say.

I’ve finally gotten myself in bed for the night. I’ve developed a terrible habit of staying up late since J.R. left, but I’m working on getting back on track. It’s so easy to stay up all night, watching movies, and drifting in and out of sleep on the couch. Easy, but not healthy.

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