Page 47 of Breaking Free

“I’m going to go to my room,” Knox says. “You don’t have to come. I want to be alone.”

I giggle. “Okay. Don’t cry too much. He said he would call before he gets on the plane.”

Knox runs off to her room, and I’m left standing alone in the foyer of our house on that burnt orange rug. I take a deep breath, and I decide that I won’t cry. Not this time. Things are different now.

28

June 2012

“I think I’m going to go see J.R.,” I told Kelley. It was late on a Friday night, and we were sitting in my living room binge-watching episodes ofFriendslike two old hens. Moving out of Kelley’s apartment after Knox was born didn’t change things too much. Kelley still spent many nights with us. I think she liked it better this way. She could come and go as she pleased. When Knox and I were living with her, she couldn’t escape us.

Kelley looked at me sideways. “For real this time?”

It was true. I had said this to her at least a hundred times since Knox was born. I meant it this time. Knox needed her dad. Sure, we were a tight, little family—Knox, Kelley, and me—but I couldn’t expect Kelley to fill the parent role for Knox forever. I was pretty sure she didn’t sign up for that when we first became friends so long ago.

“It’s now or never, right?” I asked her. “He doesn’t have to take me back. He could be married now, for all I know. J.R. should know about Knox, though. It’s time.”

“Don’t you think he’ll be angry to find out he has a kid who isn’t still in diapers?” She always enjoyed playing devil’s advocate.

“He’ll definitely be angry. But I think he’ll want to know her.”

“He’ll probably ask for a paternity test,” Kelley mumbled.

I rolled my eyes at her. “She looks just like him. Even he can’t deny the resemblance.”

“You should talk to Knox about this, Rach.”

“I will,” I agreed. “She’s been asking about him a lot after finding our photograph. I think…I know, it’s time.”

We sat quietly for a moment before Kelley spoke again. “It will change everything, Rach. Weekends with Dad. Summers. Christmas. She won’t be just yours, anymore. You’ll have to share her.”

I nodded my head. I’d thought about that part a lot, and I had always felt sorry for kids who had to split their time between mom’s and dad’s. Even as terrible as my mother was, at least I had one place to call home.

“Knox is resilient. She’ll adjust.” I was trying to convince myself as much as Kelley.

Kelley looked at me. “I’m not worried abouther.”

“I’ll be okay. I have to do what’s best for her, and what’s best for her is what’s best for me.”

“Do you have a plan?”

“I think I’ll just show up. It’s definitely not a phone call type of announcement.”

“Just show up? That’s your plan?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Should I send a letter?” I asked sarcastically.

Kelley rolled her eyes at me. “Fine. When are you planning on going?”

“Soon,” I replied. “I’ll go see him soon.” I hadn’t planned that part out yet, but I would go. Soon.

29

Present

The night J.R. and I were engaged, he moved me back into our bedroom. I had gone into the music room to prep my air mattress for bed, only to find it gone. I didn’t ask questions. I knew what the absence of the air mattress meant. So, when I crept to our bedroom, I wasn’t surprised to find J.R. sitting in bed already, a smile on his face. I did wonder how long he had been sitting like this. I had taken quite a bit of time to get ready for bed that evening.

It was the first night we had slept together since the night before I left him so many years before. Every time with J.R. had been like the first time, but this time, especially, had been exceptionally magical. It had felt familiar and new all at the same time. Only briefly had I thought that we shouldn’t go all the way. A part of me wanted to save that, but there was a larger part of me that needed to be close to him again like this. To be part of him again. To be connected this way again. That night, the missing piece to the puzzle was found. We became whole again—which is why no one was more surprised than me when I realized that my period had not started yet.

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