Page 93 of The Archer and his Rosebud

Halfway through peeling his orange, he asks, “Does it not make you sad having Clem here?”

I force myself to continue slicing the cheese into squares. “What do you mean?”

“Dad, I’m turning twelve in seven days. I know you and Willa broke up. Do you not like her anymore?”

Setting the knife down, I lean my elbows on the counter so we’re eye level. “No, bud. I still like her very, very much.”

“But she doesn’t like you? Does she like someone else?”

If it weren’t for Nolan telling me all about how some girl in his class broke up with his friend Jack on the playground Monday, telling him they can’t be friends anymore since they’re not boyfriend and girlfriend, I’d worry about where these questions are coming from. As it is, I fear that if fifth graders are this dramatic, what is high school going to be like?

“Can I be honest with you? Since you’re almost twelve,” I say, and Nolan nods. “Love is complicated.”

Picking the stringy veins off his fruit, he sighs. “I miss them.”

“Well, Clementine is right there, Nol.” My ever-cautious child frowns. “Go visit with her. I know she’ll be excited you’re here. Did you not see her squirming like a worm trying to get to you?”

He half turns but doesn’t move. I push harder. “Remember what I told you about seeing Nana and Pop Pop, Aunt Paige, and all our family and friends back in Texas? Even though it makes you sad to leave them, you shouldn’t keep your distance. Missing people when you can’t be together is a part of loving them.”

I doubt the wisdom of my words, but they work. Nolan wanders over to sit on the rug, and after a few apprehensive moments, his hand finds its way toward Clem’s, and when she takes hold of his finger, the clouds hanging over him break.

While they take turns playing with Clem and eating their snacks, I ponder the gray skies and pull up Willa’s number.

“Hey, it’s Archer.”Obviously.“I wanted to let you know Clem is good. Everything is fine. I saw the winter weather heading this way and, um, you don’t need to worry about rushing to pick her up. Just maybe, if you can, will you give me a call and let me know you’re safe?”

Willa grew up in Michigan. She knows how to drive in snow, but this is the first snowstorm Vermont’s had this winter. Maybe it’s not my place to worry anymore, but her being on the road makes me nervous. Then again, what do I know? She could be on a date with a man who didn’t lie and risk her losing her child. She could be at a movie or eating dinner, drinking wine and enjoying herself. Yes, I’m stupid. She wouldn’t ask me to babysit so she could date someone else. I know her better than that. I knowusbetter than that.

Yet, the later it becomes, the harder it is to have optimism about our future. As I sit at my desk in the dark, staring at the snow falling outside, a thought hits me—maybeI’mWilla’s Leah. The person who ruins her life out of love. If Leah had been honest when she felt discontentment sinking into our marriage, we could have fixed things, and Bo Grimes would be alive. Nolan never would have seen a man die. He never would have lost me for those years. Eli could have been born into a happy home.

Am I Leah?Could my love for Willa and Clementine cost them happiness? As beautiful as she looked today, she also looked drained. I asked her to fight Ty, but maybe she shouldn’t. He’s being an ass right now, but he is Clem’s biological father. Maybe they need Ty more than they need me.

Or maybe I’m just so scared of losing again that I’ll entertain ridiculous thoughts to make it seem okay.

* * *

The light knockon my front door propels me from my computer, and a shivering Willa greets me on the other side. While her arrival stops my gut from churning with fear, the bleeding of my heart picks up.

“Hi.”

“Hi?” I balk at her carefree tone. “You didn’t tell me how long you’d be, but I was worried once this front moved in. I tried calling a few times. Did you not get my messages?”

“I’m sorry I’m so late.” She lifts an apologetic smile, brushing snow-covered hair out of her glowing eyes. “The storm slowed my drive. I hoped I’d be here an hour ago, but there were a couple accidents along the way.”

“Yeah, of course, that—” I snap my mouth closed so I won’t ramble on about her safety. All that matters is she’s here safe and sound and looking less burdened than she did earlier this afternoon. I step aside and usher her into the foyer because, damn, it’s cold, and apparently, she left her gloves and coat in the car.

Willa sets her keys on the table by the door. “I didn’t want to chance looking at my phone while driving and cause another accident, so I didn’t see your messages. I’m sorry you were worried.”

“It’s not a problem, really.” Pushing the door closed, I walk up the stairs and move toward the second bedroom. No sense in dragging this out. “I’ll get Clem. She was pretty tuckered out because we didn’t give her a chance to nap, so she’s already asleep in the porta crib I bought before Christmas. Fed and changed.”

Willa latches on to my elbow. “Archer?”

I recoil at her touch, unable to face her as dread eats at me. She’s about to take Clementine and leave again. It could be weeks, maybe months, before I see them. Hell, she could be ready to move off to Michigan tomorrow and didn’t want to tell me. Losing them hurts so damn much.

“I know this is selfish to say right now, but I can’t lose you two, Will.” The words burn my throat. “I don’t think I have the strength to accept that kind of loss again. I—”

“I love you.”

My spine stiffens. Her finally admitting her feelings is like the nail in the coffin of saying goodbye. I brace for the tempest of emotions to pull me under.

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