Page 36 of Cosmic God

“Drink, Tanner.”

Taking a sip, he pulled a face, looking up at me suspiciously. “What the hell is this?”

“Chamomile. It’s calming.”

“It tastes like warm cat piss.”

“You’ll get used to it. Drink.” He took a few more mouthfuls. “Calming cat piss, foot rubs. What else have you got up your sleeve, angel?”

“This,” I replied as I handed him a hardback notebook and a black pen. “I went out with Matt today because I forgot they use funny plugs over here and I needed an adapter. While I was out, I saw this cute French stationery shop, and I went to buy a postcard for Quinn and Shelly…”

“Shelly?”

“My tortoise. Don’t interrupt me and finish your cat piss. While I was in there, practicing my French, badly I might add, I had an idea. You all spend so much time on the road that I thought I’d get you all to keep diaries to help me write. Memories, stories, anecdotes, secrets, that sort of thing. But when you were talking earlier, I realized that part of the reason you’re so quick to anger is you’re overloaded with emotions. Something happens, like your text frombitchfaceand your emotions slam into you like a high-speed train. All of them at once.Wham. You want to make sense of them, but it’s too much, so you shut down.” I watched as his eyes widened as if everything suddenly made more sense.

“Now, I’m no therapist, but I’m guessing your urge to drink tonight was because you wanted to put a stop to all those feelings just as quickly as they steamrolled into you. Drinking, drugs, and even sex, gave you a way to do that. This is me giving you another way. Journal. Write that shit down. Just like you write a song. It doesn’t have to be perfectly written sentences. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be a sentence. It can be just words. Hurled onto the paper at the same speed they slam into you. Your feelings take over because they don’t have an outlet. You drank to silence them. This is you finding a healthier way to let them out.”

He stared at me and then at the notebook. Placing his now empty cup down on the floor, he opened the first page, and I watched as he let his pen release it all. I moved away from him because I didn’t want him to think I was looking at what he was writing. I wanted him to feel safe to set it free. For twenty minutes, he wrote, and as I watched him from the other side of the room, I couldn’t help but think about how he’d been there for me since I met him. How safe he’d made me feel, even in the crazy world of the Cosmic Gods. How I felt when he told me I was beautiful and how my body sparked to life when he was near me. My thoughts led me to one conclusion.

Tanner Hastings is making me feel things I’ve never felt before.

“Ten minutes, Tanner. You good?” Addison asked through the closed door.

“All good,” he replied. “Addi?”

She opened the door.

“I’m sorry. For everything.”

A single nod from her and their argument was over. Just like that. Their friendship clear for anyone to see. “Let’s do this, Tan. Emmy, you coming?”

“Give her one sec, Addi. Can you shut the door and wait for her?”

“Of course.”

He picked up his boots before walking over to where I was standing, pulling me in for a tight hug, before pressing a gentle kiss to my cheek. “Thank you for all of this.”

As he turned to the door, I grabbed his hand, tugging him back to face me. “Have a great show, Tanner. But remember, I’ll be waiting for you when you come off stage. I’m not leaving your side until you tell me you’re back on track. Hour by hour for as long as you need me, rock star.”

He looked down to where our hands joined, and he squeezed.

“See you on the other side, angel.”

Chapter 14

Tanner

Ipouredmyheartand soul into the gig tonight. I didn’t think about my mum. I didn’t think about Emmy and how she looked tonight, how she calmed my rage by just being in the same room as me or how she gave me a way to release my feelings. Most of all, I didn’t think about drinking or getting fucked. I played, sang, and blocked everything else out.

It worked. The crowd was louder than ever… and our audience was loud! The screams, the way they sang back our lyrics when I held out the microphone, the noise when I picked up my guitar. The twins and Frankie grinned at me as we sang song after song, reveling in the fact that we got to do what we loved, which was playing the music we’d written.

We finished our encore, and I beckoned for them to join me at the front of the stage. I spent too long trying to steal the limelight. They were right. I wouldn’t be here without them, and I couldn’t last if they left. We were always a band, and somewhere in our story, I had decided that I was the key component, but being sober helped me remember I wasn’t. We were equal. We all brought our own strengths and intertwining them was what made us the Cosmic Gods.

Frankie and the twins surrounded me on stage as we wrapped our arms around each other, huddling in a group hug.

“Fuck, that was good, man. You were on fire,” Mav hollered over the noise of the crowd.

“Wewere on fire. I love you guys. Forever,” I shouted back.

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